I am new to this so bare with me, I only signed up as in a none dramatic way I don't have anybody in my life I find suitable or comfortable to share problems with.
The reason for this is my whole person is an act. I embrace an open personality. Happy, charismatic, humorous and confident. However because of this I feel no body really knows me and through living this lie for so long I am now suffering.
I have been unhappy as long as I can remember. I have researched anxiety disorders and types of depression and much more, however I have not found a true meaning to my feelings.
I present myself as the "honest"/slightly controversial one of the group of friends. There for others and like crowds and attention.
This May be the stereotypical role of a Taurus (which I am) but this is all false.
In the honest part of my being I really hate people. I hate crowds, socialising, parties, and having to tolerate people.
As selfish as that sounds I wish I could explain it. The only way I can think this has become is because I was never close to anyone in my childhood.
My father left when I was 6 years old and had access on weekend's but would constantly make plans and let me down at the last minute.
My mother always preferred my sister and I was left to my own company. So being alone was never an issue for me.
I had friends of course, lots of them. I think this is where the front started as I just wanted to belong so much I changed myself to the opposite person of myself.
However I let the front take over the darkness in the honest part of my mind. all my friends know me as the life and soul and for that I can't open up to people.
I think I also can't open up as I never had someone to open up to. With my mum being too busy and preoccupied with anything to do with me I learned how to bottle up.
After my dad left my mum really started to hate men. She treat me as someone to take her emotions out on, especially rage, anger and guilt. Even though nothing physical, she liked to make me feel belittled. Such words as useless, thick, stupid & "too soft" really affect a child more than you may think.
I was never an academic and still don't class myself anywhere near one even though I'm studying a degree at the moment I know no body is any better than anyone else and we all equal.
I have never actually sat and typed my feelings on to a screen and feel out of place even doing so. If anyone's question is why then I am afraid I can not answer that.
I feel so lost although I have always been considered to open one. I know I'm not the only person with problems. However I I have found myself reaching a recent phase of temper, anger and my partner is noticing this in me.
I would never hurt her and love her to the moon and back. Despite how my mother was I have always respected women and never blamed anyone else for how I feel. I just bottle it up with the rest inside of me.
As you may have predicted due to bottling this whole thing up I have contemplated taking my own life. I find life a chore and everyday obstacles a nightmare to handle. Work is even worse as I do work with the general public which may have increased my hatred towards people.
given that and the childhood let downs from both parents make it hard for me to connect truely with people. I know how am supposed to be a friend but I never really let people in.
I don't know what I am and I'm scared to know if I ever did find out. I would rather end before I am my true self around others because they wouldn't like me.
I hope someone can understand.
i think you don't know who you are because your not being yourself. I change my persona in accordance to a hang out with but still stay true to my beliefs and values. everyone does this. sounds like yours is worse. im nti social and feel forced to act this way.
I understand a lot of how you feel. They have counselors at school if you wanna go see one (they should be even open over the summer). I know tons of ppl who went to counseling while in college.
You're not alone! You're smart enough to know something is a little off inside and you want to set it right. That's a great first step. Second, do you have any outlets for your your anger? Like write about it, scream, get a punching bag, running, working out, praying?
Also, i had a hard time letting ppl in too. But the more comfortable you get in your skin (which you will), you'll find it easier. But it takes time.
Your mom's issues got in the way of your relationship and the stuff she said was not right. You are none of those things--just from you writing, I can tell you're intelligent, sensible and a genuine person.
I think most ppl go through times like these--where we handle everything well or ok but then somehow it all just gets too much to handle. You're definitely not alone and you will make it through this. I rly think a counselor can help you.
I might know how you feel about putting up a facade of your personality because I have done that. Then I snapped and became the opposie of my old self. I don't know when it happened or how but when I relized it I couldn't change back to who I was and all my friends are just acquaintances now. I recommend getting help or opening up to someone before its to late. I don't know if it will help. Try acting like how you want to or it will get harder as time passes. Good luck I guess.