This is a long post/vent, so if you have the patience to trek through this, I appreciate your input. I have been with my SO for 3 years, we are both 30. Lately my SO and I haven't been on good terms. And I am feeling like I am building up a wall and ready to shut down. I love my SO very much to have been together for this amount of time but lately I am feeling more and more detached. We had an incident a few months back where we got into an argument about me telling white lies. The dog had an accident and I cleaned it up before he would find out because previously, he would tie the dog up all day. And I felt this is cruel, so I did what I did to prevent the same thing from happening. He found out that I had lied about it, and then said why did I lie about a petty thing. And I explained this to him and he said that I care more about the dog's comfort than his own. And following that fight, he didn't speak to me for 4 days. Letting me hash out my wrongs, teaching me a lesson on not lying. Fast forward a few months. I was making a dish that we both enjoyed. And he mentioned to me that the next time I make it, I should make it in a larger quantity. When I made this again, I remembered to make more this time around I followed the recipe in terms of the spices and ratios but then remembered to add more veg. He had some and said to me "are you not tasting the food again" I said "I followed the recipe so I felt that I didn't have to" He said "If you followed the recipe, why does it taste so bland?" I said I remembered last minute to put in more veg. And he said I was once again lying, because why would I say I followed the recipe, when in fact I really didn't, because the ratios were off. So that turned into a fight. His lack of patience is also getting to me. Anything that I do, it's never quick enough. Example: He picks me up from work almost daily, which I appreciate and say thank you every time. I would tell him a pick up time, but sometimes I get held up at the office with things that are not under my control. He seems to lack that understanding and is always texting me to hurry up etc. I mean it's not a ridiculous amount of time, I'm talking about 15 minutes MAX, ONE TIME! It gets so bad that he's even texted "if you aren't out here in 5 minutes, I'm leaving" Like ZERO patience. This drives me nuts and I have addressed his lack of patience and he just says that just who he is. And I mean he has no patience for nothing or nobody. Even if I stop off at the grocers to pick up things for dinner, if he feels that I took longer than what should've been, I will hear about it. If I get out of the car too slow, I will hear about it. If I take too long getting out the door, I hear about it. It just like having this parrot on your shoulder telling you to hurry up all the time, it is very annoying and frustrating. I cannot even tell him about my day without him interrupting me to hurry up and get to the point. Maybe I just communicate differently, but it's like I can't even be myself and communicate to him in a way that feels natural to me without having to feel pressured. I mentioned this to him that I can't talk to him and I feel that I cannot be myself around him. He says this is absurd and that I can be myself and half the time he does it to mess with me. I've told him that this makes me feel like I'm not worth being heard and that it hurts my feelings. He said he would stop. Another example: I was making us tacos one night. I made 6 for him, made sure that I made them nicely, told him to eat because they will get cold he insisted on waiting for me. I made myself 3, so one could assume it would take half the time. After the 1st one he was already rushing me. I was super upset at this point and I gave him attitude and voiced how I felt. Well, that did not go over well. He became spiteful. I do everything for this man, and do not ask for much in return. I mentioned to him that I felt disconnected and we need more couple time (outside of the mundane daily things) and that we have become lazy in this part in our relationship and that we need to try harder. He agreed, and said that every Sunday would be our date day. I said to him let's start off with at least once a month, because in the past, he would make all these promises and never follow through, (which is an issue we have discussed before) So I settled for a compromise, so that give him and us a chance to follow through. So this happened one time. And ever since this most recent fight, he has been a complete douche bag. Having something snippy to say to me daily, making comments that I'm not cleaver so I should stop acting like I am, how he hates girls that are stupid and that I am acting like one. Just mean comments like that snipping at me piece by piece. I said to him why is he acting this way towards me, then he says that he cannot believe that I have the audacity to even ask why. It was because I told a petty lie (about the recipe thing) and that why should he be nice to a liar. I mean I get him on the petty lies, his mentality is "if she were to lie about something so small, what else could she be hiding" But, I mean, really? I deserve this punishment for however long he decides to be a dick, because I said I followed a recipe (in my eyes) but in reality didn't. As I said I do many things from him, cook for him (he complains if it wasn't a gourmet meal, but has never offered to cook) he complains about the laundry (but he has never done laundry in his life) He complains about cleaning the house (but he has never cleaned in his life). Ask him to take the trash out, it sits there for a week, probably weeks if I didn't get fed up with asking. Sexually, he gets what he wants, the rare time I refuse. (Then gets upset, and says he doesn't care about being intimate anymore and that he will never initiate sex ever again, and maybe won't talk to me for the day). He gets a lot of "just about him" nights, but there are never "just about me" nights. And when I ask for those, he says that I'm too demanding and it is always about what I want. I just feel like all these things are building up, and I am starting to resent him more and more. Can anyone share some advice on how I should deal with his lack of patience, his childish tantrums, and his lack of insight into what I need from him? Thanks.
Your problem is that your SO has stopped contributing to your relationship. He is selfish and self centered which possibly has come from his past but one things for certain, he has no respect for you and most certainly has none for himself.
While you state you do everything for this man, you need to look at what's coming back from him...just about nothing. No wonder you feel detached from him. Your efforts to re-ignite your relationship has basically failed because while you have initiated (the effort), he has put very little into it to keep it going and therefore, you are basically alone.
His actions are speaking and you are continuously trying to keep him happy while making yourself frustrated and resentful. In any successful relationship two people contribute constantly 7/24/365 to a two way street by using communication, love, trust, honesty and respect.
You don't need to deal with his ill mannered childishness, rather you need to be true to yourself and look at what you would expect from a successful relationship and then compare what you are experiencing now.
He's a narcissist, for sure.
And you - my love - are in the role of a doormat.
It all gets tiring, doesn't it?
Patience is not your problem. Low self esteem is. his behavior is mental abuse. There is a saying"you deserve what you accept" STOP accepting this behavior. You must love your self!! Get out of this marriage. When women accepts abusive, demeaning behavior its never going to change, until you do.
Get a back bone! this guy doesn't deserve your patience, he need to be told what you will no longer except, but you must really mean it. It's up to you and if you continue to accept this awful, mean, hateful behavior, then you have no one to complain to. I think you have always known what you should do, but lacked the courage. Most women don't leave because of finances, if this is an issue for you, then plan for! No one deserves to be treated like this.