Struggling to give my husband what he needs
I'm not sure how much I am allowed to put in this forum so I'll keep it as brief as possible.I did ask this elsewhere online but people thought bad of my husband which was never my intention. I have been with my husband for 11 years, due to abuse I suffered as a child it was long time before we had a sexual relationship. it took a lot of fighting between usfyor me to realize that I was allowing my past to get in the way of his happiness and eventually I stopped resisting. Although it hasn't been as frequent as he would like I have done the best I can. Recently however he has been expressing how he wants to try something different with me. (I won't explain that bit on here as may b a little graphic ). The thought of this terrifies me if I'm honest as when it happened as a child it was one of the things that troubled me the most. I have tried to explain to him how I feel about it but it's causing problems and he says my abuser is ruining his life. I know that it will end up happening really soon as he keeps dropping out comments about it. Does anyone have any suggestions to block out flash backs from the past? I'm desperate as I don't want to keep letting him down.
I have tried counselling many times but the therapists have said I'm not ready to deal with the past- I think it's more cus I dont feel comfortable talking face to face with them.
Sorry to hear you were abused that must be very tough for you. You say it was time to realize that you were allowing your past to get in the way of 'his' happiness, but it is also yours. And he says your abuser is ruining his life? Your abuser has ruined your life. Nobody will understand that unless they are abused including your husband. You are married 11 years, why all of a sudden does he want to try something now that very clearly terrifies you.
It's not as if you are not having sex at all, plus he knew what happened to you and still married you I'm assuming because he loves you so much.
And what about him letting you down? if you have been coping all these years but just barely, as the therapists said you are still not ready to deal with the past, then how might that affect you? Pushing you backwards instead of forward.
Yes he is your husband but it is your body and your mind, and if you are not 100% comfortable with what he wants to do, or is similar to what happened to you, well I don't think you should just be looking to block out flash backs.
Have you tried going to counselling together? It might help you both. And if you are not comfortable talking face to face there are sites with professional counselling and advice. This forum can give help and advice I know, but I mean professional therapists. Perhaps there are some who visit here, I'm not sure. But try searching for some of those and maybe you can tell everything in detail and you might find it easier to do so online.
Best of luck
Thank u for your reply,
I didn't realize I was only referring to my husband's happiness when I posted my problem, but I guess if he's happy then I will be too. His reason for trying something new after this many years is because he has been so unhappy with our sex life for so long. I do really want to sort this out as I know all aspects of our marriage need to be correct for our relationship to survive. I owe him this as it was by getting into a relationship with him that allowed me to move further away from my abuser. (Although the majority of the abuse happened as a child further attempt were made each time my abuser and I crossed paths- I hope that makes sense how I've explained it)
My husband is very 'old school' when it comes to the abuse, he feels that it belongs in the past and that it should not b brought up again, also for this reason he sees counselling as a waste of time and money. I know I have to sort through this alone as its obviously my issue I just don't know how to do it.
The abuse didn't happen to your husband. It happened to you. If you need therapy to sort this out, then you should go for talk therapy. He may think it's a waste of time and money but how would you know if you don't try? The key is to get a good therapist that you can trust and click with.