PeoplesProblems Logo

Frustrated

Default profile image
Relationship advice This is my 2nd marriage, his first. My first marriage lasted 19 years and produced 3 kids. My husband has no kids and doesn't want any of his own. We have been married for 3 years, together for 7.
For the past two years I've been asking my husband for more attention (especially in the bedroom.) This results in a fight. No matter how I approach it. I try to be sensitive. I try not to be insulting. I think his medication is effecting his sex drive and he says he's discussed it with his physician. Nothing changes. We end up fighting.
I think I am a normally sexually active person. I'm not asking for it every day, just more than 3 times a month. When we were dating, we were very well matched as far as our sex drives. Now? I feel like I'm constantly asking for attention. There's always some excuse. He's tired. He works hard. It's always something.
I brought it up Saturday morning, and of course, we argued. We finally talk through it and I feel like we get somewhere and we're right back in the same boat tonight.
There's so much background. He's bi-polar. I stuck with him through are discovery of that and him getting help and on meds that help.
Then he was an alcoholic. He stopped drinking. I stuck with him through that.
Now there's just no closeness. I feel like he's constantly complaining about my kids. My kids are very well-behaved. But he nit-picks. My oldest is 18. She was home alone and we came home and he immediately complains that she left her recycling in the kitchen. She unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and ran it...but that goes unnoticed. I try to get him to focus on the good, he only sees the bad.
I am tired of feeling like I have to defend my kids.
I am tired of begging for attention in the bedroom.
I am tired of WAITING to have the relationship I want. I waited through the bi-polar stuff. I waited through the alcoholism. Now I've been waiting for 2 years for a sex life I can enjoy. When do I stop waiting?

Frustrated

Default profile image
Well I read that bipolar disorder can affect sexuality and sexual activity but Viagra or something similar can be prescribed if necessary. When your husband discussed it with his physician was that an option?
And I'm not familiar with bipolar, I don't know anyone who has it so I'm not sure how the mood swings affect. But you do, so do you think him complaining is part of his disorder? or do you think that he's moaning and nit picking and so believes that you will put it down to his disorder and so it gives him a green light to say anything he wants and he can easily put it down to his bipolar?
It seems you have been with him through thick and thin, his alcoholism and bipolar but you aren't getting anything back in return. What you are looking for isn't unreasonable. We all want love and affection. We crave it from those we love and care about. And it hurts and is frustrating when the other just doesn't' see how upsetting it is when its not given.
And even if it is given for a while after the arguments, it just isn't the same explaining that you want more affection than if it were given freely.

Your first marriage last 19 years. Ask yourself could you have stayed with your first husband and turned a blind eye to why you left him in the first place? then ask yourself the same question of your husband now, can you see him changing? is he willing to change? will he go to counselling? Can you stay in a loveless non affectionate relationship. It is difficult when there's kids involved but your kids will pick up on his constant complaining about them and that too will put a strain on your relationship.

If you want to stay and make it work he has to see how miserable you are, and listen to what he can do to help change it. Maybe Counselling will help
or perhaps moving on is the next option. But you have to decide that, and do what's best for you and your children.


Frustrated

Default profile image
Well - for sure, he's sober, but not serene. He sounds like a "dry drunk". Does he go to AA?

He's irritable and looking for a fight. Don't give it to him. Just walk out of the room when he starts his nit-picking.

He's not the same guy you married. He probably was exciting and funny and, of course, younger.

Now he is struggling to find himself. Counseling is a must for him, along with a self-help group, like AA.


Frustrated

Default profile image
I too have this issue, with sex and nitpicking of children. I know that my wife while amazing at sex, doesnt truly enjoy it. So we dont have enough of it for my say. (Borserline sex addic myself lol) but she isnt comfortable with herself or sex due to abuse when she was younger. So I dont know if that is helpful at all, bit maybe aomething tramatic happened to your hubby and that is where the problem is......but talking about it will lead to a fight...so you're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-1