In a messy and fucked up situation / relationship
You want to hear something really dumb?
My boyfriend , who I really love , sometimes treats me like shit.
When I talk about fucked up things that really hurt my feelings , like my dads comments about what a useless and disgusting child I am or my mums thoughts about how she wouldn't even care if I died right now.
I tell him everything and the only reply I get is : "Just ignore them" or "slap them right in the face" sometimes I got this feeling that he doesn't even care what they say to me.
I know it isn't easy to understand but he could really do something or is it just me?
Or one time we argued because we where at a party and I wasn't really at peace there , it was somehow uncomfortable for me because I hate parties and I was in a bad mood so I look really disgusted at him and he asked once if I was ok, but it's kinda a habit that at first I say that everything is ok so he didn't ask anymore an I was talking to his sister and she noticed that I wasn't ok so she said that I should ask her brother if he could go to the bus station with me , after all he is my boyfriend and I just laughed and told her he wouldn't do it so she said :"but he is your boyfriend , he should go with you if you aren't that well" and I agreed so I asked him if he'd go with me and he was there with a friend so he just looked at me with a really fucked up expression and just said :"are you crazy?!" So I just went alone and I wanted to cry.
It was so uncomfortable so I called the boyfriend of my best friend , to who I am really close , and he came immediately and was really shocked about my bf reaction and he cared a lot of me
So at the next morning my boyfriend asked me via whatsapp if I was ok last knight and I was really pissed off so I answered kinda ironically and we started an argument and I said I wanted to see him this day and we argued a lot , really a lot and the next day I would go to Germany for a month and he was so pissed he just left without saying anything and I was so pissed and raged really hard.
I went to him and said :" so you are really leaving without saying goodbye or anything else?!" And we argued even more.
30 minutes later he still was really angry but I was calmer now and wanted him to calm down to and suddenly he asked :" why are we even dating?" And I looked completely shocked and said :"because we love each other" and he just said :" I'm not completely sure about that" in a serious way and my heart just broke into pieces.
I said:" but I love you" and there was a minute of silent.
Afterwards we stood up and he hugged me and said he was really really sorry for what he said and I just started crying against his chest because I was so sad because of his words and I don't know he felt so guilty and I said it was ok but it keeps bothering me because I don't know if this is even normal.
Sometimes my friends care more about me than him and it really bothers me and makes me sad, really fucked up sad.
A good friend of mine told me that he doesn't deserve someone like me because he treats me a way that I don't deserve and sometimes I think about it and that I should just break up but I am afraid of what's gonna happen to me afterwards 'cause I am a unstable little shit and I love him but I really don't know.
And yesterday in a bus from Berlin to another german city I talked like 6 hours to a really nice boy who could me as a guy 'cause we are like the same person and he is sooo cute and it was really early in the morning like 2-3 am and we talked a loooot and watched south park and I asked if I could lean my head on his shoulder and he said of course.
We stopped and changed seats to the opposite side and slept a bit
He saw that I wasn't 100% comfortable on his shoulder so he opened his arms an said I should rest on his chest , so did I and he hugged me like this and I slept really well like for an hour and he treated me so damn well, I started liking him a bit but felt guilty because of my boyfriend so we kept talking and I saw his whatsapp profile and it said :" 5000 kilometers away from you" and I was curious about who he meant because I kinda liked him , he attracted me somehow and he say my friend ( in German friend and boyfriend is written and pronounced the same way - Freund-) so I asked i he meant his best friend and he said :"no , my boyfriend" and I was kinda shocked because he told me about his ex girlfriend and I asked him if he was bisexual and he answered :" yes kinda" and I was really sad in this instant because I liked him a bit and I asked him how long they were dating and he said :" 1,6 years now" and I replied :"omggg sooo cute" but I was really hurt in this moment.
It was so weird, I liked a boy who wasn't my boyfriend , that I knew for like 7 hours and who is bi but has a boyfriend. It was soooo weird and we kept talking on whatsapp and I can't stop thinking about how attracted I am towards him and that he has a boyfriend (I have nothing against bis or gay people) but I kinda fell for one and I've got a boyfriend and I feel so guilty , sooo fucked up guilty but I still love my bf but he kinda doesn't even talk to me so I'm just a real mess right now
So . . . you want a (BF) person who would put their arms around you and tell you that you are a loving, kind, worthy person and ask what they could do for you. And see that you are uncomfortable and take you away from all that (even if you don't really come out and tell him that you don't feel well)
But you are with a guy who does not do these things and has no idea of your needs. Yet you say you "love" him - someone who can't or won't try. Plus, you get angry at him because he's not a mind reader, either.
I think you know what to do. Break up with him and date yourself for a while. Get to know yourself and why you sometimes have these "high needs" episodes where you want to be taken away from or rescued from.
Because your relationship with your parents is SO bad, please find an older female counselor who could act as a parental/mother-figure for you and nurture you into being a confident, well rounded, independent woman.