In a messy and fucked up situation / relationship
You want to hear something really dumb?
My boyfriend , who I really love , sometimes treats me like shit.
When I talk about fucked up things that really hurt my feelings , like my dads comments about what a useless and disgusting child I am or my mums thoughts about how she wouldn't even care if I died right now.
I tell him everything and the only reply I get is : "Just ignore them" or "slap them right in the face" sometimes I got this feeling that he doesn't even care what they say to me.
I know it isn't easy to understand but he could really do something or is it just me?
Or one time we argued because we where at a party and I wasn't really at peace there , it was somehow uncomfortable for me because I hate parties and I was in a bad mood so I look really disgusted at him and he asked once if I was ok, but it's kinda a habit that at first I say that everything is ok so he didn't ask anymore an I was talking to his sister and she noticed that I wasn't ok so she said that I should ask her brother if he could go to the bus station with me , after all he is my boyfriend and I just laughed and told her he wouldn't do it so she said :"but he is your boyfriend , he should go with you if you aren't that well" and I agreed so I asked him if he'd go with me and he was there with a friend so he just looked at me with a really fucked up expression and just said :"are you crazy?!" So I just went alone and I wanted to cry.
It was so uncomfortable so I called the boyfriend of my best friend , to who I am really close , and he came immediately and was really shocked about my bf reaction and he cared a lot of me
So at the next morning my boyfriend asked me via whatsapp if I was ok last knight and I was really pissed off so I answered kinda ironically and we started an argument and I said I wanted to see him this day and we argued a lot , really a lot and the next day I would go to Germany for a month and he was so pissed he just left without saying anything and I was so pissed and raged really hard.
I went to him and said :" so you are really leaving without saying goodbye or anything else?!" And we argued even more.
30 minutes later he still was really angry but I was calmer now and wanted him to calm down to and suddenly he asked :" why are we even dating?" And I looked completely shocked and said :"because we love each other" and he just said :" I'm not completely sure about that" in a serious way and my heart just broke into pieces.
I said:" but I love you" and there was a minute of silent.
Afterwards we stood up and he hugged me and said he was really really sorry for what he said and I just started crying against his chest because I was so sad because of his words and I don't know he felt so guilty and I said it was ok but it keeps bothering me because I don't know if this is even normal.
Sometimes my friends care more about me than him and it really bothers me and makes me sad, really fucked up sad.
A good friend of mine told me that he doesn't deserve someone like me because he treats me a way that I don't deserve and sometimes I think about it and that I should just break up but I am afraid of what's gonna happen to me afterwards 'cause I am a unstable little shit and I love him but I really don't know.
And yesterday in a bus from Berlin to another german city I talked like 6 hours to a really nice boy who could me as a guy 'cause we are like the same person and he is sooo cute and it was really early in the morning like 2-3 am and we talked a loooot and watched south park and I asked if I could lean my head on his shoulder and he said of course.
We stopped and changed seats to the opposite side and slept a bit
He saw that I wasn't 100% comfortable on his shoulder so he opened his arms an said I should rest on his chest , so did I and he hugged me like this and I slept really well like for an hour and he treated me so damn well, I started liking him a bit but felt guilty because of my boyfriend so we kept talking and I saw his whatsapp profile and it said :" 5000 kilometers away from you" and I was curious about who he meant because I kinda liked him , he attracted me somehow and he say my friend ( in German friend and boyfriend is written and pronounced the same way - Freund-) so I asked i he meant his best friend and he said :"no , my boyfriend" and I was kinda shocked because he told me about his ex girlfriend and I asked him if he was bisexual and he answered :" yes kinda" and I was really sad in this instant because I liked him a bit and I asked him how long they were dating and he said :" 1,6 years now" and I replied :"omggg sooo cute" but I was really hurt in this moment.
It was so weird, I liked a boy who wasn't my boyfriend , that I knew for like 7 hours and who is bi but has a boyfriend. It was soooo weird and we kept talking on whatsapp and I can't stop thinking about how attracted I am towards him and that he has a boyfriend (I have nothing against bis or gay people) but I kinda fell for one and I've got a boyfriend and I feel so guilty , sooo fucked up guilty but I still love my bf but he kinda doesn't even talk to me so I'm just a real mess right now