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Who to choose

Posted by
EEYORE74
on Jun 30 2015 at 01:32
Member since: 30 June 2015
Relationship advice I have been divorced for two years. My ex-husband is an alcoholic. We were married for 11years we don't have any children together. I had 2 kids and he had 1. We raised our children together and we are all still very close. I still love him,but I also can't stand him when he is drunk. He is very verbally and emotionally abusive. While I was going through my divorce I met a very nice,well mannered guy that I know wouldn't do anything to hurt me. The kind of guy every girl dreams of treating. The problem is he is very boring he doesn't like to really go anywhere. I love being with him and talking to him. But I'm pretty social and enjoy going to family functions and doing things with other couples. I don't want to make him do something he's not comfortable with. I currently go to these by myself which I don't mind I still have a good time. Well now my ex is in rehab and is doing great. I'm very proud of him for finally doing this. Since we have a long past and get along so well when he is sober what do I do. I don't want to stop seeing the other guy and my ex relapse and I throw away a good guy. But if he stays sober we could be very happy together. What do I do?

Who to choose

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jun 30 2015 at 18:35
Member since: 19 August 2014
I can't say there are many people who CAN stand others who are drunk, even when they're being positive and affectionate. So that just makes you normal (- ew, you weirdo ;-D). And (11 years of it) very, very tolerant...no doubt because of what you, like too many other mothers, mistakenly believed was for the sake of your children. You're happy and healthy? - Kids are happy and healthy. Because you can't get more sponge-like than kiddiwinks. (Remember that one from now on.)

Due to the calculable fact you haven't had enough time or space (in which the ex wasn't still however-subtly 'dancing' around and in front of you) to get through the entire grieving process, you're still over-reactive to your negative experience and have done the usual Pendulum Swing (didn't like fat, this time will go foooooor... the complete opposite: skinny!). Whereas your ideal is probably somewhere more in the middle. However, when needing a stark contrast, normal-weighted wouldn't pose enough as a constant, easy, at-a-glance reminder that you were still SAFE, hence you pander to that more immediate need (to feel safe) over all others more commonplace and natural, and hence go to that opposite extreme.

You've misidentified certain characteristics of your ex-husband as ones symptomatic of being an alcoholic. For example, women thinking sensitive men are quiet and 'still' men. Not so. They can be loud and gregarious. Likewise, alcoholics can also be unsociable loners who slink off to behind the garden shed when drunk.

So here you are, having pendulum-chosen seemingly an Empath, whom as such, needs to be moreover solitary to avoid situations where he sponges up everyone else's emotions and energy (= overload). A homebody. Yet he lacks those certain qualities of your ex that you DID like which DID light your candle but that you've erroneously sought to dismiss or avoid because of believing them keen indicators. If you'd waited a bit longer before hooking up with anybody then your mind would have done all of this proper calculating towards reaching the correct verdict and the logically correct next moves all on its own.

Now, here's your ex, supposedly free of the rot but still the holder of said more appealing qualities.

You want and need a fun, sociable and animate guy... but whom is addiction- or other serious issue-free. Berbom.

Now let's completely ignore for a moment that ex was an alcoholic or that new guy is a bit of a plodding, introverted homebody. And I'll tell you why: because this in fact is a perfectly standard 'shall I go back to the old or stay with the new?' human dilemma situation REGARDLESS of what either old or new guy was like. This is about the lengthy attachment and detachment process and your not having let it finish.

Imagine you're both like octopi but with a far greater number of tentacles (invisible ones). Getting attached happens as more and more of each of your respective tentacles simultaneously or in quick succession of one another take root in the heart and mind of the other person. This takes time plus an ongoing witnessing of a series of reassuring catalysts and triggers (= "no reason not to attach the next...and the next", and so on). In BOTH directions (attaching/DE-taching). Bonding to point of no (instant) return equals total number or a certain quantity of tentacles rooted and rooting ever deeper.

You still had tentacles attached to your ex that hadn't yet had time OR mentally calculated reason and command enough to detach and slink back to you (the tentacle waiting-room), meaning, you never had an adequate amount available to attach into new guy in the first place. However, given more time, I'm sure those still attached to ex would have continued dropping out and off, making themselves free again to re-attach to new guy....were it not for this new, reassuring and re-inspiring development.

Tentacles are told, HALT!...WAIT UP!

So now you're at a place where you've got 50 tentacles in new guy and 50 in ex. TORN. LIMBO. Daren't proceed one way 'in case', daren't proceed the other 'in case'.

That's actually because it's far too soon to make a decision (unless - do you hear ticking somewhere? LOL). Ex has not BEEN THROUGH rehab, he is still in it. Big deal. Sorry, but when it comes to his conversion/reversion to something as important and weighty as marriage-worthiness, that's like you considering agreeing to go on a cruise with the captain of the Titanic just because he's however much into a captaincy refresher course yet has yet to actually pass the exam and take out another ship.

The 'ticking' is coming from your need to REALLY kick up your post-liberation heels and replace all prior memories/incidents of the ex within/around venues and people with NEW guy. Until you can step out as a couple, you feel as if your 'outside' is giving people the impression that on the inside you're still in the aftermath of the break-up you wish to disassociate yourself with.

Going back to your ex PREMATURELY is not the solution. Plus, now that you have been reminded that detachment is (again) perfectly possible if/whenever need be, there is no reason why you can't allow the rest of your tentacles to continue merrily attaching to new guy. If ex comes out of rehab and shows that he's learned enough to APPLY those new lessons to daily life and living, this proof AND any concerted re-wooing on his part will - if he has it in him to outdo new guy - make those tentacles start to switch allegiance all on their own. YES, it'll make getting back with ex that bit slower but - that's a GOOD thing. It means that if ex stuffs up, by then you won't be half as attached and incapable of walking away a second time than you would have been otherwise (hurrah!).

Ah, but! It wasn't just this new development that issued the order to halt/wait and ready themselves for detachment, was it. There was also THIS barrier in the way of the next batch of tentacles AT-taching:

"The problem is he is very boring he doesn't like to really go anywhere. I love being with him and talking to him. But I'm pretty social and enjoy going to family functions and doing things with other couples. I don't want to make him do something he's not comfortable with."

You don't want to make him do something he's not comfortable with DESPITE HE SEEMS PERFECTLY OKAY ABOUT MAKING *YOU* DO SOMETHING *YOU'RE* NOT COMFORTABLE WITH - which is, having to go to social events and gatherings ON YOUR OWNIO.

Has the guy never heard of Compromise? I hope so because it's a major ingredient in Loved-Up Pie. Or is it that you daren't assert your insistence that he meet you half way? And, whilst I'm at it - should you even HAVE to push and insist?

And there's the burning question and the key to whether you remain torn or not.

Get that barrier removed, get new guy going out with you ENOUGH (as per his fair share) and THEN see how newly attractive the ex still is. If he still is, then you have your answer. If not, then you have your answer. If new guy STILL won't compromise, then you have an extra answer: neither ex nor new guy. NEXT guy.

10p please. :-)

Who to choose

Reply from
SUPER SARAH
on Jul 2 2015 at 14:52
Member since: 20 September 2014
I think secret guy number 3 - the one you haven't met yet who has the best qualities of the two guys combined!

But yeah - Soulmate's way works too ;op

Who to choose

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jul 2 2015 at 18:27
Member since: 19 August 2014
Well, my jury's a hung one, really. I don't think she's ready for Mystery Man 3 just yet (too soon). Plus, you just can never really tell until you try, meaning, new guy might think that because she's not pushing for a fairer deal re going out and about with her more, she must not mind that much. You know what some blokes are like - always trying it on to see what they can and can't get away with, now and into the future. So it could be that if she simply asserts herself more over that one bugbear, he'll magically step up. Plus, if that's the only thing she can find to complain about, he/the relationship's obviously got good potential.

But since she and ex got on so famously aside from his drinking, and because there are kiddies involved, I think the decider over whether it be stay with newbie or wait for mystery guy 3 or reconcile with ex-husband, all hinges on this one question I forgot to ask (so cheers for the prompter!) - which, unless she's skidaddled completely, EEYORE74 might hopefully answer:

What was it that finally made exipoos get himself (himself, note!) off to rehab? Was it (along with self-betterment for his own sake, obviously) specifically to get her back? If the answer to that is an inarguable and impressive yes, then, assuming pending events demonstrate it worked and will stay working - no contest!

But like I say, there's no hurry. Or shouldn't be.

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