Girlfriend trouble help!!!!
So me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 6 years we also have a child together. My problem is she is way to attached to her mother, she waits on her hand and foot we give her mom $400 a month to help pay her bills (that she has no intention of paying back) when we can barely pay our own, I have told her we can't keep giving her mom all this money but it seems like she doesn't care about our bills and our lively hood as long as her mom is living comfortably. She also spends almost all day at her moms house to the point where she don't even refer to our house as home. I hold a lot of my anger of this back so that It doesn't seem that I'm trying to keep her from her mom because that is not my intention However I cannot keep doing this part of me wants to leave her because of how bad it is getting but I do love her and our daughter but I'm not sure if that is enough anymore.
Definitely sounds like your girlfriend and her mother have codependency issues. I think the time has come to tell your girlfriend exactly how you feel..and if she doesn't want to listen or is unable/unwilling to understand your perspective, then you need to ask her to attend counseling with you. A therapist might be able to help you convince her that this behavior is not healthy for anyone involved, and that it is damaging to your family finances.
Is your girlfriend an only child? If not, do her siblings also contribute to their mother's bills? If they don't, they should start. It isn't fair to your girlfriend if she's the only one footing the bill, when others could be sharing the burden.
MAN YOU NEED TO GROW A PAIR AND CUT HER LOSE I WOULD TAKE MY KID AND SPLIT TRUST ME SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE AND FROM THE WAY IT SOUNDS GIVES VERY LITTLE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR KID
Is her mother ill?
Is she afraid that if she doesn't give Mom this money, she will have to move in with you guys?
There is more to this story that you have told us.
Spend some time and try to figure out what is going on here. You seem to be looking at the $$$ only.
Every angle catered to, look. But here are your rights:
Your (let's face it) wife has no right whatsoever to regularly spend that (I presume) sizeable portion of your joint monthly income on ANYTHING unless she has your full consent (and vice versa). Consent. Not going along with it grudgingly out of fear of rocking the boat.
That is just short of $5,000 per annum. An annual family holiday, for example. Serious money.
Substitute mother-supporting habit for gambling habit. Now do you see it?
You need to separate your bank account from hers and have a third, joint account for all outgoing bills and expenses, into which you both put an agreed, proportionately fair amount. If she wants to support her mother (yes, what mother would go against the natural cycle of parents support kids, reciprocal only once the parents become too decrepit to look after themselves?) but you don't - and why should you (unless there IS a good reason that you're not yet giving us?), then she can do so out of her own, disposal income.
You don't have to have her consent to start having your salary paid into a different account, because she's already, for too long, removed Consensus from the relationship contract, meaning, this adjustment just puts things back to Fair.
That assumes, however, that you have stated your protest properly yet still found it habitually ignored or overruled. Have you?
If she still refers to her mother's house as 'home' but not when referring to yours, then the conclusion is obvious: mentally, she hasn't grown up and left home yet. But what would SHE say in defense?
Now handing you back to the above respondents.
First off I would like to thank everyone for sharing their thoughts since I have posted this I voiced my opinions about this to her and how I felt she didn't seem to care she just wanted to argue with me and tell me why I'm wrong instead of listening to how I feel she has since been staying with her mother for the past 4 days she didn't take anything but some clothes but she says she's coming back she just needs a few days to basically get over being mad at me for voicing my opinion over the matter but as I said it's been 4 days and I haven't heard much from her and I'm honestly not sure if I should let her stay when or if she does come back because I feel that as an adult when we have an argument or disagreement she shouldn't need to run to her moms for a week to get over it last time this happened she didn't want to talk about it afterwords she just wanted is to act as if it never happened and I know that that is not healthy but that's what I did and I won't make that mistake again also to answer the questions about her mom she is in her early 50s she is healthy and no where near decrepit or unable to to take care of herself and my girlfriend also has two brothers one that is 30 and the other is 16 and neither one gives her mom the handouts like we do I also apologize for any misspelling I'm typing on a phone
Why - in what specific ways according to her - are you wrong for not wanting to be forced to be some charity or for wanting your wife to behave like one?
Yes, it's obvious that she uses running to her mums and from there torturing you with the silent treatment as her method of cowing you into failing to dare complain ever again... her way of completely side-stepping what is a big issue. Emotionally, she sounds like a child.
However, you've been with her for 6 long years and have a child together. So the relationship must hold merits. Either that or you've been putting up and shutting up for too long over what in fact is intolerable.
If I were you, I would insist on intervention by a couples counsellor.
Hi Confused, Your girlfriend cares more about her mother than she cares about you. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP, She treats you like this because you accept her behavior. Agree with Soulmate you have been putting up and shutting way to long. Both She and her mother have/and will continue using you because neither feels like you will ever put your foot down.
Since she calls her mother's place home, insiste that she stay there. TELL HER you've decided separation is warranted and that you will no longer be supporting your mother. Get this over with.