Lost and confused
I have been in a relationship for 10 years. I had previously been married for 16 years.
My current boyfriend and I have gone through alot of bqd times layely and i just feel like i dont want to put any effort into the relaationship anymore and just want to walk away.
he is a great guy and i care for him very much. But I feel like he is just so hapoy to do nothing, stay home all the time and if he wants to do anything he has to do it wth me. He wont hang out with other peopke his only friends are my friends.
A little background abiut us....I was a single mom at 19 got married at 25 and inthe next 5 years I had 3 more babies. My husband was in the navy and gone a lot of the time. When he was home he was never the cuddling touching type of person. He liked to be in control of everything.
When he left the military we separated and divorced.
My boyfriend had never had a long term relationship before me that lasted more than two years. He was 40 when we got together. No kids, lived the bachelor life and often said if we wanted the relationship to last I had to tell him what he should be doing. We kept separate plaves but he did not like the idea of paying two rents ....so even though i did not want to we moved in together into the place I was renting. After a couple of years he decided he did not like renting and wanted to buy a house. So he did. I was against it and did not want to but again I did what he wanted. I have always worked since my kids were old enough to all be in school. My current job has me working a difffrent shift and there are times I do not get home till after 7pm. My boyfriend hates the shift, his mother hates the shift, my mother hates the shift. Everyone has an opinion about it.
A couple of years aho I lost my father and my brother within 4 months of each other. My father was so sudden and his wife wanted the funeral witnin a few days so I flew home alone. When my brother died it was an accident and we had to arrange for his body to be released and for his wife to bring him home ,,,, he never went home with me. He did take the bereavement leave but stayed at home. That summer he pushed tge ladt of my kids living with us to move out. Ever since than things have been different between us, we have gone to a councillor but things still stay the same. He had gained so much weight he was pushing 300lbs. He has starrted going to the gym but it was after alot of nagging and complaining. But nothing else had changed. I know he loves me and has put up with my poor finances and emotions. I am not saying I am perfect or anything.
I am just so not happy and have a hard time pretending to be. What should I do?
It sounds as though you've had to do almost all of the compromising in this relationship, and that isn't fair. He's ignored the things you've wanted and your preferences in order to get his own way. A person can only be stepped on like this so long before they start to feel as you do--like you don't even want to put forth effort or be involved in the relationship anymore.
It bothers me a lot that he didn't accompany you home when you lost two close family members--even when he'd secured bereavement leave from his employer! There is NO excuse for this. It shows absolutely NO respect for you or your family, and it's just plain selfish.
If things aren't changing with counseling, maybe a stern ultimatum needs to be set. Make clear with him what must be changed in order for you to stick around, and state that if he doesn't make the effort to bring about the desired changes, that you will be leaving. If he cares for you more than he cares for himself, he will do his best to bring about change. If not, then it's time to move on and find someone who deserves your love and effort.