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Dont Know What Is Going On!

Posted by
LESENOK27
on Jul 2 2015 at 21:15
Member since: 02 July 2015
Emotional advice forum category advice forum category I dont know if i just need to rant or what it is any more. I havent stopped crying for two days now.i have been married for over 5 years and have two kids. So last week my husbamd went out strait after work with his parents and didnt come home till 3 am thats one thing and i wasnt upset with that i understand he works a lot and wants to spent time with his family. Then comes friday... There has been a 24hour flu going around and since i ran a daycare i had a few kids come in with it. And ofcoarse my 2 year old got it. He couldn't keep anything down and i was getting worried so i called my husband, since he left with my debit card i ended up with no money, ive asked him to pick up medication for our son. And no luck since he was already getting drunk, he went into rant and it turned into a fight about nothing, finally he said he'll get the medication. Few hours go by no sign of my husband. I tried calling again and again and again....no answer. Since he works with his dad i tried calling him no answer. Also my inlaws are big fans of going to the bar i knew his mom would be with them i tried calling her no answer. I even tried calling my sister inlaw and her fiance no answer. Now i am getting upset cause my son cant even keep water down. So sent a mass text to everyone telling them that our 2 year old is sick and he needs a medication get my husband to call me. Finally my mother inlaw sends me a text back saying fine we'll get it but we want rab to stay out with them. I said i did not care if he stays out my son needs the medication. And what do you know another 2 hours go by no sign of either. Finally my husband called saying he is not comming home because i am a bitch. I called his mom i am in tears now. She hang up on me. I ended up taking my son to the hospital where we spent the night. Next day i fell with the flu since my husband went to work from his parents house i ended up taking care of our kids sick. After rab got off work he came home for an hour and left to his parents bbq and spent the night there. Whatever. Now yesterday they invited me and kids for bbq and i said i am not going cause i knew if i went there would be a fight. Rab guilted me into going so i did. And....it went down the hill from there...rab didnt like the way i was standing and it all began....yelling screaming... The whole thing about friday came up... My husbands mom said she wouldnt go and make rab get the meds because i called her all upset and she wouldnt lift a finger for people who do that... Am i crazy or she didnt give a shit that i was for her grandson??? Rabs dad lost it saying that i should pack my shit and get out of canada.... I just left... Then my husband calls and goes off at me that i doing give two craps and all...i am defeted now everything is my fault and i feel like i need a therapy....
Dont know what is going on!
Reply from
SUPER SARAH
on Jul 2 2015 at 23:12
Member since: 20 September 2014
Wow!

Your husband and in laws sound lovely!!!! Have they always behaved like that or is this a more recent development?

The whole scenario is ridiculous. How can a father and grandparents leave their son/grandchild sick and do nothing about it?

It's unforgivable in my eyes

They sound like bullies to me - have you any family of your own around? You seem very outnumbered.

Aside from that - his loyalty should be with you and his kids, not with his parents. What is he doing spending all this time with them? And especially when you and the kids are ill??,

Also - why on earth did he take your debit card?

They sound like possible alcoholics - is that the case?

I don't even know what else to say? I'm

Gobsmacked that anyone could treat their wife and kids that way.

Usually I play a bit of Devil's advocate and try to see the other point of view but this time I'm stumped. I can't think of one possible reason of justification for the way they have behaved. I'm tempted to say - just take your kids and leave and I never say things as solidly as that!

I'm sad you are going through this

Dont know what is going on!
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jul 3 2015 at 01:06
Member since: 19 August 2014
LESENOK27,

I have a few questions, because I'm sure you'd like to be able to understand what the hell was behind all of this seemingly very warped, or downright sick, behaviour of this entire clan of individuals, not least your husband (or, going by all appearances, should that be, 'coven')? I know I do, so:

1. Why on earth do you think your husband called you a bitch? A bitch, for WHAT? What was he referring to? He surely couldn't have meant, for your being a good mother in seeking the help you more than needed in trying to meet your son's dire need, could he - because that would surely make him literally, diagnosably insane? So - what was he referring to?

2. I can't imagine you'd have managed to clock up 5 long years with Rab if he had always, right from the off, behaved as appallingly as this, right? Meaning, presumably he wasn't, and this has come out-of-the-Blue?

3. Assuming your answer to that was in the affirmative: Am I to understand that last week your husband, for some presumably unfathomable reason, underwent this major, permanent, negative character change, like some nightmare 'invasion of the body-snatchers' type scenario?

Is that the reason why you've been crying for 2 days solid - the shock and bemusement of it?

What I'm trying to establish with that last bit is, what the tears reflect, precisely. So,

4. shock and bemusement because the whole attitude and behaviour was so unlike him (and, for that matter, so unlike his family)?

5. ...Or a final facing, accepting, and then, belated rush of grieving over the fact you have, in fact, always KNOWN he was, underneath it all, this giant, psychopathic pr*ck and simply couldn't before now register it on the conscious level because you were simply too snowed-under with daily looking after not just your own but a whole HOARD of kids (etc., etc., etc.) to deal with it?

I'm really struggling to stand in your in-laws shoes so that I can relate to where they were 'at', head-wise....particularly your MIL. I mean, these in-laws are themselves PARENTS! Makes you wonder, with that kind of attitude, how the hell their own kids even MADE it to marriageable age?!

6. Therefore, do you think that maybe for some strange or perhaps warped-by-years-of-resentment reason, they believed you were crying wolf or something?... say, to hide the fact that what you were really trying to do, thought they, was force your husband out of his family's grasp and back into yours?

7. How long has this habit of he and his family meeting up like this existed? Is this likewise a new, sudden and unexpected development?

8. Prior to all this happening, did you believe you had a good relationship with your husband's family?

9. Why was your son kept in all night? Was it because he needed to be medicated and monitored or because the hospital staff could see that you were too exhausted and hence did you that kind favour?

10. Had you explained that the medication was urgently needed there and then and couldn't wait? Could they have been under the misassumption (or, worse, mis-presumption) that you had that particular medication at home already but needed another lot because yours would soon run out - because in your understandably stressed and panicked state you failed to make that part clear? Or did you indeed make it clear and, they were just too drunk and/or the venue too noisy to pay attention or hear you clearly?

11. Have your husband's family since been made aware your toddler was kept in overnight and why, and that you yourself were coming down with his flu at the time? If yes, have they since tried to apologise and beg forgiveness, or at least tried to 'silently' via whatever acts and gestures?

This next bit confuses me the most:

12. You said this incident happened last Friday. And that yesterday the in-laws invited you and both your kids to their BBQ. Surely, with it having been flu, which generally lasts for 2 weeks, inviting you and the son concerned for food full-stop would have been completely out of the question? Or had he recovered super-speedily, leaving only YOU as the one who was still poorly?

13. Was that invitation supposed to be one or the start of the Sorry gestures I've just mentioned?

14. What kind of flu was it? I mean, obviously it was gastroenteritis, but that's actually just a generic label. Did the A&E doctors identify and tell you which specific strain of gastro it was?

15. That, get out of Canada comment from DIL. What was that said in response to, i.e. what had you or anyone else just said (verbatim, if you can recall)?

Dont know what is going on!
Reply from
LESENOK27
on Jul 3 2015 at 17:48
Member since: 02 July 2015
I am still trying to wrap my head around it, every time i go through it my my head i just start to cry. I know i should be angry.

As rab and me were trying to talk about what had happened he apologised for calling me a b. In 9 years being to gether he has never treated me this way nor has he ever acted towards our kids this way.

A little history on my father in law here. He has an anger problem and it is particularly bad when he has been drinking. I guess that would be the case for any person. He just goes into rants yelling first thing that comes to mind, he might not even be included in conversation or situation if anybody says or doesnt something not to his liking it is like a bomb goes off. Now its not a first time he has told me to get back to my coutry called me names etc., thats one of the reason why kids and me missed a lot of family dinners and gatherings.

My inlaws have always been friendly with alcohol, which is another reason why kids are never around them without my supervision and missig family dinners. After their nephews and nieces started to say they dont want to see them, mu father inlaw got to thinking and adressed his anger issues and started taking his meds. I dont know if he is still taking his meds or not.

Everybody even rab and his sister have been telling them that they have an alcohol problem but their responce always the same "we used to be musicians its our life style" now its not my life its theirs and its up to them how to live it.

They are a very close family and i am all for to be close with your family because in the end family is all we ve got.

As it turn out my mother inlaw is mad at me because i didnt want to go into expanding my day care with her. I have my reasons for it and i know i am being selfish however she is not licensed to ran a day care and i am sure she can go and complete the coarse. We would be able to expand up to 15 kids. Although it sounds great money wise she doesnt want to deal with kids in case of changing diapers dealing with fussy eaters nor can she lift kids up. She just wants to run the office part of the daycare. I am sorry but i am happy with being in charge of my own books and dealing with messy part of my business. Thats why she said that she doesnt do anything for people who come to her being upset. I know its selfish but it doesnt make sence to me that she wouldnt help her grandson. Also she got upset that i said i didnt care is rab was staying out with them i just needed the med for M. She took it as i dont care about rab. And being uncaring wife i didnt deserve any help. As she put it i should ve taking M to the hospital at the beginning and not make a huge problem and call everybody as a crazy person and ruin their night.

Neither see that uave done anuthing wrong and its not their responsibility to help.

So in rabs drunked stage his mom saying that i dont care about him i was turned into a b and rab said that why i was called that.

It has been a rough last cauple of years for rab and me. After rab and his dad opened up their business the truck that they perchased turned out to be a complete lemon and they ended up with 20 000 in repears. Shortly i was laid off work and we suffered a complete financial down fall. We got into serious dept lost our car got late on our rent and so on. So after fixing their truck rab had to work rediculous hour to get us back out of the hole. And i am very gratefull for everything he has done for us. Thats why i dont mind if he wants to go out have a few drinks and get some personal time.

Lucky for me i was able to complete my license for daycare and not look for another job but starting up a daycare took some time. As we talked we came to a conclusion that rabs stress finally caut on thats why he has acted that way.

Day before rab lost his debit card and since we have a joint account and no names on our debit cards he grabbed mine to get lunch and some stuff for home thats how i ended up without money.

As per M he was kept over night due to danger of serious dehydration and had to be pit on iv and kept on observation. There is a 24 hour stomach flu that is going around combined with heat wave that we have. Evrybody gets different symptoms. Some just trow up some have diahrea body aces, exostion etc. In Ms case, considering he was born 5 weeks early and doesnt have strong immune system he got it from both ends, trowing up and diahrea at the same time. Now there is a med called pedialight that has electrolights and nutrients to keep kids hydrated. This flu or a bug as er put if has affected a lot of people in vancouver, M was 7th kids that was seen that day. Lucky B my 5 year old was away on trip with my parents.

Eveybody were aware of Ms state as i sent evrybody texts trying to get a hold of rab. And they cant chuck it off to not getting the messages as my fathers inlaw response to my text was actual picture of his dogs poo.

The flu was passed on to me as ive been with M the hole time and dealing with sick kids.

The invintation for bbq was due to canada day and had nothing to do with an appology which they dont see that they have done anything wrong and i am still at fault and should be appologising to them.

Dont know what is going on!
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jul 4 2015 at 01:59
Member since: 19 August 2014
Sorry, LESONOK27 - not ignoring you. Hold on and I'll try my hardest to respond tomorrow. If not, Sunday for sure. But more likely tomorrow.

However, in the meantime, please can you answer only those questions that I asked and numbered above? Not that the above isn't useful (I've had a fleeting glance at it) but I do need those specific questions in that same order of numbering answered, please. Any you have directly addressed you can copy and paste in against the relevant question number.

Sorry to be a pain but there is sound method in my seeming madness.

Dont know what is going on!
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jul 4 2015 at 12:25
Member since: 19 August 2014
I've got a window, although I see I've beaten you to it. I'll address your latest in this interim, but would still like those remaining questions answered, please. Specifically - now that I've read your response and seen you have in fact answered a lot of them - 4 and 5, 7, 10, 11, and 15.

...although I believe I've enough information to say, Rab's family sound disgusting and horrific. His father is clearly not right in the head - which alcohol just brings out to the surface. His mother isn't much better, and behaving like a parasite trying to cash-in on what is *your* business and then cherry-pick which of the nicest duties she'd get to perform...and, no, you're not being selfish if she's not licensed... or even if she is: it's YOUR business alone, you did the hard part; she'll agree to do whatever she's damn well told or start her own biz if she doesn't like it. And Rab himself, calling you a b*tch - in *any* situation, let alone that one. He himself must surely have been drunk as well. So what is this - the start of his climbing into the bottle like his dear ol' parents, with just the right amount of newly chronic stress? The apple never falls that far from the tree, you know.

I don't care HOW upset you sounded or WHAT that silly woman completely misconstrued and misinterpreted or HOW drunk they were. All anyone should have registered and focussed on was, 'son ill' and 'help, medicine now'. It should have sobered the lot of them up ON THE SPOT.

What mother ISN'T 'crazy', if they want to use that ludicrous definition for how calm a mother ISN'T when one of her children is vomiting too much or for too long and can't even keep water down?

Crazy, huh? So what does this woman and her completely immature and irresponsible brood call a grandmother that tries to take advantage of an emergency medical situation concerning their own grandchild of all things, just so as to get to have a go at his mother over petty, personal beefs and harboured resentments whilst bloody-mindedly holding help and cooperation to ransom? Me, I call that personality disordered. Yes, you heard me - unless and until you give me extenuating data that makes better sense of it all - PERSONALITY DISORDERED.

And, for goodness' sake - two men who can't even tell if a truck is purchase-worthy or not, having to then put it right to the tune of £20k? They could have bought another truck for that! Sounds like those two couldn't even run a bath, let alone a business!

"As we talked we came to a conclusion that rabs stress finally caut on thats why he has acted that way."

Oh, poor, poor Rab ...and screw his son! THAT IS NO EXCUSE. How DARE any man call his own wife, when distressed at that, a b*tch in front of other people? Bad enough if he does it in private!

What if following your having got off the phone, your son - his son, their grandson - had died!

Now, then, what do you MEAN "grabbed" your debit card? You saying he took it without your permission? What were YOU supposed to do in any emergency, like the one that happened? Lunch 'and stuff' was more important?

It strikes me that given a run of stress and alcohol and spending more time than usual around his bawdy parents, you get to see Rab's truer colours. Stress and alcohol don't turn a person a certain way, they bring it out. Other people when stressed and drunk simply bite their fingernails to the quick or get maudlin and fall asleep. So don't blame alcohol or stress because as far as I'm concerned, they've done you a favour by giving you an opportunity wherein you got to see a ruddy great flash of what this man's capable of, i.e. how like his parents he is deeper down. And, yes, I agree with you - no-one is going to tell me he couldn't have know anything was up through it having been his mother you talked to because, as you quite correctly point out, he would have known you were trying one mobile after another and what that must or at least might mean. One apology - ANY mere mouth-flapping whilst making sounds come out - doesn't cut it.

Have you confided in your own parents? What did they say, what was their reaction? Were they as shocked and horrified as you, me and Super Sarah?

I'm with her. I think this incident was a relationship dealbreaker. They put your sick son at risk. You needed help and a level head. They put paid to both of those (- you could have crashed your car en route to the hospital, in fact). I think you should go and have a free consultation with a divorce solicitor, just to give you that much-needed boost of confidence at least.

"my fathers inlaw response to my text was actual picture of his dogs poo."

He should have been sterilized. That is a TOTALLY unacceptable way to behave towards anyone even when there isn't any emergency afoot, least of all your son's wife. It's highly childish and monstrous.

And, to cap it all off - this: "The invintation for bbq was due to canada day and had nothing to do with an appology which they dont see that they have done anything wrong and i am still at fault and should be appologising to them."

Again - true colours. They stab you, but despite they're holding the knife and their hands are covered in your blood, it's YOUR fault they stabbed you, poor them, not you, and you're the one has to apologise to THEM. Their huge crime against you has been turned around a full 180 degrees to become your crime. Please go google for behavioural symptoms of personality disordereds and see if you can recognise them in all the descriptives.

I'm surprised you want to say two words to any or all of them ever again!

Oh, and the fact your husband steps up when you have money worries is nothing to get excited about - all adult, responsible men do that AND would do it even if you didn't exist and they were still single! But those same men, when capable of SEEING that their wife is obviously trying urgently to get hold of them, do NOT behave the way he did. Ever. And it's that kind of non-financially-rewarding reliability that proves when THOSE men say 'Everything I do, I do for you', it is true.

So have YOU been through the chronic stress of debt, etc. Did that make YOU behave like an uncaring monster?

I am ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED AND DISGUSTED. And it takes a LOT to shock me.

How much does it take to make you realise you'd be much better off on your own, officially the single parent you clearly already unofficially are (- of two little kids and one very big one)?

"Sorry, but"? SORRY, BUT?! He should be licking your feet and grovelling for forgiveness, not trying to justify himself and his actions!

Disgusted.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?