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I dont know what to do

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i m 36 years old married for 10 years ... i met my husband in South Africa and got married 1 year later . moved to DC with him at first everything was fine loving . he cheated with the same woman 2times in the past 6 years , i work and still go to school i pay must of the bills as he told me that i belong to him for bringing me here. our sex life is 0 for over 3 years with 0 kids, he has ED and does not want to go get help for it but he still talk to other woman { that's one thing i don't understand} i don't know how long i can stay in a sexless marriage , i m an African and in my own culture a married woman is not supposed to sleep with another man , i m lost because i don't know how to explain to my family i want out , they don't believe in divorce and would disown me i do not have family here and no friend very lost plz someone tell me what to do

I dont know what to do

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Wow well congratulations on the long marriage. Its hard to feel like you have to "settle" with others standards. If I were you i would just get a divorce. Not to be mean but just because your older does not mean your life is over this is a big world new love is everywhere and it seems your husband is trying to find a new music box to rock to at night if you know what I mean. You got to get bold and just open your eyes and speak how you feel. No matter what no body can't tell you your wrong because those are your feelings and everyone has a right to follow their dreams and find happiness. I hope this gives you some help....oh by the way im just 21 and I can tell you I'm not living in regret just travel be free.

I dont know what to do

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Agree with TIME25.

Well, of course things were fine and loving, otherwise why would you have agreed to marry him. Shame you didn't up your internal checklist questionnaire-marking to suit that speeded up wooing-stroke-engagement period or you might have seen flashes or tips of icebergs before you handed over your money (- literally in your case!).

What does EDS have to do with anything, considering it doesn't seem to stop him from thinking he can conduct not one but TWO relationships? Or did you mention that in order to convey that he's also bad-tempered most of the time? And/or, is this the violin he plays to keep you placated through pity as well as not wanting to complain too hard lest it makes you a non-understanding, non-sympathetic cow? Well, clearly it's worked.

Earplug time.

You've been together for 11 years but only 1 year of that was great (the sales patter period), with the next 4 presumably being less than satisfactory and the last 6 being... PANTS! It's hardly just sex-less, is it.

What you're describing is not marriage, nothing like it. It's slavery. You're subsidising his lifestyle *and* funding as well as allowing, even enabling, his lifestyle-on-the-side.

Sleeping with another man is no solution. Getting out, liberating yourself, is. You're single and self-supporting already, in case you hadn't noticed? PS: You're not supposed to commit adultery in almost any culture. It's not a cultural thing, it's a human-moral one. But if adultery is so frowned on by those of your culture, can you not justify leaving by telling your family he's a serial one?

Why do you need their approval anyway? You're thousands of miles from them and that life, your own person now. And, trust me on this, the REASON you haven't any friends is because you've been too busy constantly trying to deal with being this idiot's slave and fending off all that is involved in that, not to mention how it chips away at your confidence. As soon you're physically then, slightly later, mentally free of that (cough!) man, your new-found calmness and contentedness will make you new friends AUTOMATICALLY, like magic!

Forget divorce yet, just get out and see yourself as Separated. And make an appointment with a divorce lawyer whilst you're at it, just to see at this point how much better or worse off financially you'd be. Psychologically, however, I imagine it'd be like wining the lottery.

Hell, tell them he's dead if that's what it takes (and because you want to go home and be welcomed?). How would THEY know? Or tell them HE'S hell bent on and halfway into getting a divorce and there's nothing you can do to stop him or change his mind.

Do what you have to do, whatever it takes, to remove yourself from that horrid existence. Your number one human duty is to survive. And being/feeling tortured daily is not conducive to that.

I dont know what to do

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Good evening and thank you for your reply. you must read my mind you were 90% right about everything .( the only reason i talked about cheating is because at my job almost everyone talks about how they cheated . i found myself reading your email over and over. thank you for understanding what is happening to me . i have thought about leaving and making up story for my family i am just scared of the out come , i have 8 months left for school and i work 16 hours just so i don't have to go home , im sick of crying myself to bed for loving a guy that don't really care about me .i read your email at work and found myself crying as im typing but its okay i needed to hear the thing you said,, thanks again for the email. (ED is Erectile Dysfunction]
i talked to my boss at work today and that helped a little i know im all alone but i can find a good apt and move in for now and go from there ..

I dont know what to do

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Understand that your live matters. He's controlling behavior does not deserve your love. You must finally decide if your life matters to you. You're tied to your culture beliefs which has always felt that women had no worth. You have worth! Get out of this marriage. You owe him nothing for bring you to the States. At 36 yrs old it time for you to finally take control and finally grow up. You will have to choose between your happines vs your culture. Pick YOU!!

Plan your move, most woman are trapped because of their finances,you will need to finish school. You'll have to get a full time job to fully support yourself.There are Legal Firms that can help you with a divorce/based on your salary (do your research)Tell your family,that you will no longer allow any man to demean, dis-respect or control you life.
Cheating is not the answer, make up your mind that your life matters and it's up to YOU take back control of your life. Develope your plan, outline your plan, giving your self and END date. Start putting your plan into action. American women were not raised on your culural beliefs, your husband would have been kicked to the curb along time ago,( trust and believe that!). Remember this will not happen all at once. Its to you to take BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! Get out of this horrible situation.

I dont know what to do

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That's excellent news, about you having your boss's support!

Sorry, when you typed ED, I thought you meant Ehlas-Danlos syndrome.

He has (cough!) Erectile Dysfunction because he's not in love with you and doesn't fancy you (or sees no point in fancying you?). Not being in love with you, however, doesn't stop him wanting to keep you around as his convenient maid and personal bank. In other words, he's using you.

Don't be scared of the outcome of you leaving him...particularly as you've seen how easy it to confide in people and see them react with wanting to help. (That way lies new friendships.) Just focus on the reality of the situation, which is: the outcome of leaving him *cannot possibly* be worse than the state you'll end up in if you don't, if you stay.

In fact, when the situation is such that the (this case) woman can appreciate logically that leaving would be wholly justified by *any* sane stretch of the imagination, the result is that they very rapidly are much happier having left, and their lives remarkably improved. On every. single. level.

Plus, as SKINNYGIRL says - pick you!

Once you become quickly acclimatised to supporting yourself and living as a free, independent woman, you are going to LOVE it! You'll be walking on air. :-)

For now, it's just one little baby step in front of the other. Do a To Do list, broken down into said little acts and chores, just one per day if that's achievable, and tick or cross them off as you go. You'll get a buzz from looking at the list shrinking, too.

Keep this list at work, obviously.

I dont know what to do

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PS: Time25 basically said it first, though.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?