Need help on sexual identity crisis
I'm a 26 year old male. I have just recently (the past couple of months) experienced with guys. I started after breaking up with my ex girlfriend like 8 months that I started looking at gay porn. I was always nervous and very scared if my hometown knew that I was curious of the same sex. I finally said to myself a few months ago while talking with this one guy for a month, that I was not going to pass this up again. I made excuses to hang out for a month with this guy b/c of those feelings of nervousness and anxiety. Finally, we hung out. I had sex with a guy for the first time. It hurt as the bottom but I wasn't discouraged to try again. It never happened since he decided to wait a little while for next time. I appreciate him being understanding. I did the top and it was OK but I was really nervous. I felt like a was having sex the first time like I did as a teenager. I'm still attracted to women but to men as well. I'd like to still meet a good guy that is understanding and nice. The other guy I was with was young and seemed really immature. He kept saying how good looking and cute other guys were when we were out, he didn't drive or had a stable job. I was spending alot of money on him and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. My family and friends don't know a thing except one friend of mine that I consider my best friend. He is gay and at times gives me good advice. I'm tired of being single and want to find love. However, most gay men don't find it attractive knowing that I am still a little new at this. I hate having these experiences so late in life. Most people I know had experiences with the same sex in high school and I feel that I am doing this so late.Lately, I feel that these failures, in a way, are telling me that this is wrong and I should go back to dating with women. Please, any advice would be great. Thank you.
Hey... Well I'm a straight male. And my advice is your still finding yourself. It doesn't matter how late you find out.. Think of it this way. You know how a male finds a Virgin and has the urges to have her. Well I would Say it's the same for a man.. Even though your inexperienced you don't want to have sex with anything walking. Just think of it as the same as finding a woman. And whatever your looking for should fall right into your path. Don't give up. Your just new to the situation.
You can be half-caste, can't you? So maybe you're sexually so? Or maybe you're still only halfway along that bridge between heterosexuality and homosexuality, therefore kidded temporarily into thinking you're bi - just because you stopped to picnic at that point and somehow ended up thinking you were across to the other side already? What I'm saying is, these things are a *process*, not a MacProcess.
There again - psycholinguistics say this goes deeper:
I  am still attracted to women..........................and  also to men. See the order? Shouldn't it have been 'I am attracted to men but also still to women'? Is that order simply a force of old habit or a truer state of being leaking out?
"However, most gay men don't find it attractive knowing that I am still a little new at this."
What - like how men absolutely hate it when women are virgins? ROFL! You just haven't met the ones that LIKE it, that's all. The "men" (you're obviously "the woman" - in bed, anyway (so don't take that as a slight)). And how would you have when you've only just got started? You've only sampled the crowd that hang out in the car-park, you haven't even been IN the venue itself yet.
You're trying to avoid committing yourself one way or the other to either certain persuasion. But who said you should at this early stage anyway? Oh, wait - your impatience did...out of the fact a part of you is trying to "quick-quick!" plonk another warm body into the ever-rapidly-cooling space in the bed next to you that exipoos vacated so that you can basically carry on being in an already-established, already-committed relationship but just with a new co-star (yet with none of the full and unexpurgated grieving process).
Ain't gonna happen. Give it up, Control Freak Number Two-Million-and-Three. ;-) Take the pain. It's the precursor to Gain. In fact, the more pain you endure, the bigger the going home pressie. FACT.
...which basically agrees with what ANONYMOUSTREY said but in Nth-degree detail.
Here, let's REALLY test whether you're truly gay or not: tell me a joke - the bitchier the better. (Just joshing witcha, trying to cheer you up a bit. ;-))
"I hate having these experiences so late in life."
Is that the REAL issue? Geez - you are 26!!
I think what you mean is you hate not finding quality this "late" in life. Yes, you are dating for the first time, only in a different venue.
Your experience with that young, self-centered one was something to teach you what you DON'T want. Check "young user & selfish" OFF your list.
Be more discerning and find a better class of possible lovers/relationships. And for heaven sakes, don't "cover" by using a woman!!
Thank you all for your advice! I really appreciate it. I am currently dating someone different and he is amazing. Very patient, understanding in general and in my situation of finding myself. I am still working out things with my insecurities and doubts but he has made it clear that that is not an issue with him and we are willing to work together to make this relationship work. I still think if this is right but when I'm with him I don't think of any outside influences. The difficult part is that no one in my family or close friends know about my sexual identity, orientation, and my boyfriend. I do get scared of someone finding out or having to deal with telling others of my situation. We both made it clear that we want our relationship hidden and it is just our business. I worry about it at times and wonder how I will have to deal with when the time comes.
Ah, there you go, then? So you were being kept distracted whilst your REAL deal was just being finished off in life's oven. :-)
I still say it's a bit soon, though. However, saying that, if he's emotionally intelligent and understanding enough to be saying he's willing to overlook any baggage-related "wobbles" without taking them too personally to-heart (TICK!) then, hopefully you and he should make it all the way up the path to Bondedville with only a very few, minor scrapes and bruises (like most people). ...in which case - CONGRATS! :-)
As to your dilemma about coming out of the closet: I personally don't see what business it is of anyone else's except yours and your lover, when it comes to your love-life (and, in your case, by implication your sex-life). Whether one keeps one's personal business to oneself, even when it comes to family, is entirely a matter of personal choice. And that's because YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW. An adult can choose to tell people he shared a pack with, all about the ins and outs or he can just say 'sorry, but I'm a very private person these days, plus 'the foetus' might miscarry so I don't want to risk jinxing it' and leave it at that. I mean - do you tell them what shape your poos were that morning? No, you don't. So where this so-called rule came from of rushing forwards to tell Uncle Tom Cobbley 'n all everything there is to know about oneself, I don't know! Well, I do - the Gay Rights movement. But so what? It's your world too. So if you want to get this relationship off the ground and to a point where you can feel most comfortable with informing your family and friends about you and he being an item or about you being gay full-stop, then so be it. It's your relationship and your life, meaning, no-one but you HAS any rights about knowing. You take your time.
However, if you DO decide to keep it under wraps for a significant period then you're going to have to accept how there'll be downsides to that, like anything in life. Example, not being able to enjoy this years' family Christmas together...that sort of thing. Saying that, what's one Christmas out of a whole lifetime of them?
WHEN you're ready, my advice is you do it in baby steps. Start with your mum or whomever it is in your family you feel closest and traditionally best and most consistently supported and understood by. Next, wait a few weeks at least for him/her to get their head properly around it. Then discuss with them the possibility of him/her helping you to tell the next person on your list or the remainder of your family together, so that you have an advocate and 'protector'.
I'm sure you won't need one but HAVING one will lend you the confidence to announce the news as intelligently and positively as you can. What I mean is, naturally assuming your family love you and just want you to be happy no matter what, if you can make the announcement with an ecstatically happy face and demeanour as optimally possible then that'll help them to stay focussed on that bit being the whole point (and gender less crucial).
I expect you can appreciate the sense that strategy makes, right?
Thank you so much everyone for the advice and as for the advice of "SOULMATE", I especially appreciate your advice. Not that all other advice wasn't effective. However SOULMATE, you made some, no, many valid points and I really appreciate your honesty as well. I have spoken to my boyfriend about this (yes, we are still together :)) and he has been nothing but supportive and there for me. We have decided to keep the news to ourselves as it is our life and business and not the business of others. That being said, I understand that I must accept the downfalls. There something that tells me though, sooner or later, people will find out because as of right now, I live in a small town where everyone knows everybody. When I go out to a date and or kiss in public outside the small town, I feel eventually someone will see that I know and tell everyone else. But I plan on moving out soon of the small town soon. Anyways, I really appreciate the advice and honesty. It means a lot. Thank you.
You're a total sweetie, what are ya?! :-)
Thanks SOULMATE. I'm a little confused. You are asking me what am I? LOL. Not sure what you're asking haha.
LOL, sorry. It's just a Cockney phrase, ending a compliment in 'what are ya?' (to which you're supposed to yell back, A TOTAL SWEETIE!) (- optional, obviously).
Oh okay lol. Gotcha. A TOTAL SWEETIE!! haha. thanks again.
Five months?... Crikey, I've heard of 'snail mail' but that takes the biscuit! LOL Thought especially long and hard about it, did you? :-D
How's your new (or not so new) relationship going, anyway? Still good?