I've hit a wall in my marriage... Anyone else been through this??
Im 30 my husband is 37, married 8 yrs. three children. Sooo...long story short, our relationship has been a rocky one from the start. Never too peaceful. Ive always been one to take the hurts and pain very deeply, while truly believing my husband has no clue how our tumultuous relationship has worn me down emotionally. Well a couple of weeks ago, something happened. I completely shut down and can hardly feel anything. I am apathetic towards him. I know its a defense mechanism of some sort, but I have no control over it. I am not in love with him, definitely, however, I care deeply for him, as weve been together for ten years. He has caused a lot of pain with being a workaholic, insensitive, no interests outside of work, highly stressed, moody, etc. Never physical with me but I believe there have been phases of emotional abuse and extreme lack of empathy over the obvious pain he can inflict on me. So my question is, has anyone ever gotten to the point to where you just don't FEEL anything when it comes to your spouse? I don't want conversation, hugs, definitely not sex, although I feel very deprived (he doesn't withhold, more the opposite). Can I recover from this? I am so extremely lonely, but do not wish for him to fill the void anymore. What can be done? Thanks
YES many people expierence what you're going though. You must take more control over live. Your husband will may never change. If leaving is not an option, then realize that your children will continue the cycle, of being raised in this cold, un-loving environment. Make a real effort to get out of this rut, you are the only person that can do this. Even with samll children you need some outside interest. Take a class in whatever inteerst you. Make it happen. Your 30 yr old there is time to recover however start taking care of your needs. Fill this void based on your needs.
I agree with you. I do go to school, have many interests, and exercise. I guess I'm wondering if there is hope for a relationship like this where one person loses all feelings towards the other? I can't live this way forever, but I'd try if I knew there was hope. My husband would be very devastated if it ended and he already shows lots of insecurities that have become worse since realizing I've gone numb. But an insecure man is the WORST. He needs reassuring all the time...wth, I mean I feel like I've been crushed in this relationship emotionally but now he walks around mopey and insecure. It's so weird and frustrating
I agree with SKINNYGIRL too. But if you're the type for whom your primary raison d'etre is a close and happy, fulfilling romantic relationship then, No-thing compares 2it. And that is that.
You've ended up crushed because he was ALWAYS insecure when it came to he and you. Hence, has always acted this out in one way or the other.
You two need couples counselling. That simple. That easy.
Or you need a formal separation...which, actually, is what your mind is right now trying to achieve - the purely psychological version.
But you should try the more sensible conscious option first: counselling. If that doesn't work, THEN you demand an official separation (6 months).
If even that doesn't work then I fail to see the point of being in a marriage if you just end up having to fulfil your own such needs. May as well be single. As SG pointed out, staying and trying to be husband to yourself *doesn't* protect your children, it just harms them at the left end of the spectrum stick rather than the right end, both extremes being as bad as each other.
So, yes, you can recover from this. IF you take the necessary steps and in the right order.
I think a relationship could endure as long as YOU are willing to live in this relationship the way it is. But why would you? it's very unlikley to rekindle the fire once it's gone. I Agree with Soulmate try counseling, but a separation is really your best option you deserve to be happy.
Yes I see your point. Here's where it's tricky. My husband recently ventured into a new line of work and so we have no insurance and won't for a while. So counseling is off the table. We simply can't afford $150 a week on it. In the past we had tried several counsellors but I didn't stick with it because my husbands heart wasn't in it and I wasn't assertive enough to keep going, even though I knew we needed it. But, like I said, now it's not an option...no extra $. I'm driving 13 hrs with my kids to see family this week like we do every summer. He always gives me a hard time for leaving him to go see them but this time it's worse, like he knows I'm slipping away.
A separation would mean leaning on my parents who live 13 hrs away until I can finish school in a year. My pride hurts thinking I'm that helpless. They're willing to help me but it's a big big step. And like I said, I don't want to devastate my husband, which it will. I'm his life outside of work, to which I've felt second to for a long time, but this new job change has given him more free time, which it seems like now he's hyper focused on me, reading things into every simple situation...insecurity I suppose. I feel like I'm under a microscope the way he analyzes EVERYTHING about me. It may stem from telling him I've fallen out of love with him because of his treatment of me. Idk what to think. But like I said a separation would not just be a move across town, and there's the kids to consider...which choice is worse for them?? I really don't know. They know we fight and argue. I do my best to do it away from them, but my husbands good at hounding me and gets intense quickly. I know the arguing hurts them sometimes, but wouldn't moving away hurt worse? Thank you guys for adding some insight. I really need a different perspective
Did he work that hard or long before you and he got married?
And why did he switch jobs? So THAT he'd have more free time for you (and the kids)? Or was it not of his own doing?
He actually got fired from a high position at really no fault of his own(I verified it). That was the job I begged and crude for him to leave for the sake of his family. He was tired, stressed, and overworking himself to death, but wouldn't let go. So I thought the firing would save us. I was optimistic and planned for a new start but he didn't change too much even after all of that. Yes he had more time, which he says he wants, but he's arrogant and insecure to a fault and we just can't seem to get along! Even when I have to go do homework he feels like I choose that over him. A complete flip flop from neglecting his family to wanting nothing but his family at the expense of furthering out individual interests. He has none...none before and none now. I keep telling him we need to be individually whole, well rounded people so that we can bring more to the marriage but he sees that as me not wanting to foster the marriage which is not true at all
I was wondering if this switch in job had been a reflection of a resolution of his. But obviously not if it hadn't been his choice or doing.
So, then, what this amounts to is this: he isn't willing to make himself available for you but expects you to constantly be so for him. One rule for him, another for you. That is not how equal partnership works. That's a dictatorship.
He's just all round insensitive and spoiled baby, isn't he. Doesn't have a clue how his behaviour impacts. So that explains why he acts like he hasn't a clue why the increasing distancing on your part, like he's the victim.
Plus, if he's always all over you like a rash and yet you're still left feeling deprived, then what you must have here is a man who wants all the relationship perks without the associative *work*, meaning the 'vehicle' has no wheels.
Have you ever tried writing him a letter, spelling out exactly how you feel about it all?