OCD and relationship problems (again, first post was accident)
I have been dating a guy that I love very much for two years. We have had many problems and most are related to my OCD. My OCD has been targeting him since the beginning, and I’m at the point where I can’t tell if he’s a good guy, I can’t trust him at all, my mind questions every single thing and I ask him if he’s telling the truth about everything- every little thing.
In the beginning of our relationship (before we admitted we liked each other) he was on a cruise and met this girl who lived a few states away from us. I guess they became friends and hung out a lot on the trip. He told me he kissed her once in the middle of the trip, still before we even admitted we liked each other. I confessed that I had a crush on him in the middle of his trip (it was a two week long cruise) and he told me he immediately stopped flirting with the girl and focused on me, because he liked me too and it was going in the direction of dating. Now this this I keep thinking, is he lying, what if he actually did continue with her after we found out we both liked each other, and he was playing both of us at the same time.
I told him in the very beginning of the relationship that I didn’t want to have sex, or do anything sexual because it went against my religion. So about a month and a half in, after I had discussed with him in a heated debate about how pre-marital sex was a bad thing (as I had been taught) he all the sudden was like oh I don’t know if I can do this anymore, he was having second thoughts about dating me and having no sexual contact because that was what he wanted and was used to in a relationship, so for two or three days we barley talked to each other while he decided what he wanted to do. I ended up breaking down, telling him I was falling in love with him and wanted to try doing sexual things for him because I wanted to be with him. He decided after talking to a friend and after I had told him this that he wanted to keep trying to be with me and work it out. It was like another month after that, that we started touching each other even, and I remember him always telling me that we could find a middle ground where we would both be happy and I would be comfortable. This was a huge and horrible time for me, I was split between my feelings for him, discovering my sexuality for the FIRST TIME (I had NEVER even masturbated before, I didn’t know what it meant to “be wet” even and I was a senior in high school LOL), and my religion which I had always been so strict about because my mom is (we’re catholic). Throughout this time I realized that I believed: I didn’t have to follow everything the church says, I realized that my religion is like a cult in certain ways, and that being in a gay relationship is not a sin, in my eyes. So this was a good experience for me, as this break in my religion (doing the sexual things) had opened my eyes to a lot of faults in my religion that I just was ignorant to.
Throughout this time, as I was having difficulty with the new sexual awakening v.s. my religion, and my OCD interfering with all of this, I would go like three weeks of doing sexual things with him…I only saw him once a week because we live 40 mins away.. (basically I would give him a hand job, and he would just touch me…), and then I would confess I wanted to take a break from doing things because I wasn’t feeling 100% comfortable with it, he would get frustrated and upset. Now, I interpreted him being frustrated as him being mad because he wanted to do things and I wanted to take a break. But he tells me now that he was mad because I had been lying to him the whole time that I was comfortable with things when I obviously hadn’t been, that I was just doing things to make him happy. I remember him saying things like “this is setting us back, we’re not going to get through this etc.” when I would tell him I wanted a break. I don’t know what to believe. I just remember feeling like he was going to break up with me if I didn’t keep doing things for him and him almost breaking up with me a few times because I had been lying to him about being comfortable.
So we went to college together, and everything changed honestly. We became so much closer as a couple and really grew a stronger bond. We started basically living together too because we were in the same dorm. Around November he lied to me when I found a cigar wrapper in his pocket, and I asked him what kind of candy it was because it looked like a candy wrapper, he said oh it’s a cigar wrapper my friend threw it on the ground and I picked it up.. I asked him if he had smoked and he said not that time, but he had in the past.. a week or so later his sister texted me and asked why he had a charge on his card to a smoke shop, I confronted him and he told me he had bought a lighter for his friend who he owed money to- then I was like I know you’re lying, you bought cigars, and he confessed and said he had tried one when he was with his friends. I also found out he had been lying to me that the only girls he had been sexual with he was dating at the time, he eventually told me he had been sexual with a few girls in addition to the ones he dated, and that he was ashamed and embarrassed to tell me that’s why he lied. And he said he lied about the cigar thing because he knew I wouldn’t date someone who smoked and he thought it was insignificant to cause drama, since it was only once. I’m still upset that he lied to me, though I understand why he did. Him lying makes me question everything he says now because I’m scared he isn’t telling me the truth. He has been extremely forth coming in other aspects though, I asked him once if he watched porn (which he knew I wouldn’t approve of... even though we had never talked about it before) and he told me he did sometimes, but not too much and that he wouldn’t do it anymore because it upset me. He’s told me things about his childhood, and confessed to me he used to cut himself and he has SAD (seasonal affective disorder, depression). He confides in me about his problems and lets me know when he’s feeling bad etc. so that isn’t really a problem.
In October, after a huge fight in which I was having a panic attack, he decided we needed to take a break because he was so stressed out from my OCD attacks and me asking him all these questions, so we took a break for four days, and then he came back to me one day and told me he missed me and that he wanted us back if I did. This was a really hard time for me I had lost my best friend for, what I thought was going to be forever, but we ended up getting stronger right after it cause we knew we wanted to be together.
About six months ago we ended up having sex for the first time, without a condom and I hadn’t been on birth control. Two months before this, we almost had sex (with no protection) and I ended up freaking out being scared I was gonna get pregnant so he told me I should take the plan B pill. I told him I was scared to take it and I didn’t know if I really believed in it, but he said it was up to me but that I should take it just in case. I felt like he would have gotten mad at me if I decided not to take it so I took it anyways. Therefore, I guess since I took it earlier he didn’t realize I wouldn’t be okay with taking it again and that’s why he thought it would be okay to have sex without a condom, that I would just take the pill after. (Just to clarify the actual sex was actually completely my fault, I was the one who initiated it and he was just stunned for a second when it happened so he didn’t like rape me or anything..) I told him I didn’t want to take it on our way to target to buy it, and he got really mad at me and said I had to take it because it was partly his decision too, that it was a huge mistake that we just needed to erase and that what if this had just gotten me pregnant and was freaking out about how our lives would change, his parents would hate me because it would be my fault that I had gotten pregnant cause I didn’t want to take the pill, and they would be mad at him too, etc. his opinion was that I should take it because he didn’t know before that I was completely against taking it and he didn’t have a choice in it since we had sex. I felt like he had controlled me, obviously, to take it when I didn’t want to, and I was really upset and mad at him for a week or so. We ended up having a huge debate about abortion and that I didn’t believe in it but he did, and I admit I was not respecting his opinion and in return he was not respecting mine. A few days later after it calmed down we decided to just move past our differences and just keep an open line of communication between us regarding religious differences and birth control etc. I have to say, that one time two months after this plan b thing happened we did have another close call and he immediately told me that he didn’t want me to take plan b again if I didn’t want to, that it was my decision completely and he wouldn’t be mad if I didn’t take it this time and he made me promise him that I understood what he was saying. So that was nice..
Another problem we have had is when I talk too loudly at school in the halls, or dining room, he’ll be like shhhh because he thinks it’s disturbing other people. He also isn’t too fond of my parents and has said stff to me like “fuck them” if they did something stupid, or mean to me like yelling at me or not letting me go somewhere etc.
The last issue, and most recent involves social media. Yes, I know this is going to sound stupid but I have a habit of looking into his followers and who he follows on Instagram and twitter, and what pages he likes on facebook, and what pictures he likes as well. I realized that he was following an account of a girl who posted a lot of naked/revealing pics of herself, and she had tons of tattoos which he is into. Then i looked on his twitter and found two other accounts like this that he was following as well, although the twitter ones weren’t like really geared towards being porn accounts, they were more like spammy accounts that had naked pics up along with other stupid things like random celebrity facts and gossip. I confronted him on this, because I had found wayyy earlier in the relationship that on twitter he was following a porn account of girls, which was a legit one, and he denied he knew he was following it and that he had never seen it before, and it wasn’t on purpose that he followed it. So I confronted him on the Instagram girl and the other twitter ones and he said again he had no idea how he followed them and that he must have just followed them back after they followed him or they liked his stuff and he followed them back, which I looked into and couldn’t find them liking his stuff or following him on his pages. He keeps telling me that he’s not lying, he didn’t mean to follow them and that he didn’t know he was. I also asked him why he likes girls’ slutty pictures on Instagram, and he said it’s because to him it’s a gratitude thing, because if they like his pictures he feels it’s necessary to like one of theirs back to be nice, which I guess I understand because I do that too, just not to guys’ pictures. He tells me that he loves me and he doesn’t look at anyone but me, that he doesn’t need to look at anyone else. I want to believe him but my OCD is freaking out and now I don’t even know what to think with all our past problems. I can’t decide if he’s a good guy or not. I’m extremely torn because aside from these problems he is my absolute best friend I have ever had. He gets me so well and can tell even over text message when I am having an OCD moment, or if the littlest thing is bothering me. And he always asks me what’s wrong even though he knows I’m just gonna question him and basically incriminate him again, he says we’re a team and that WE are going to fix my OCD (lol if that’s possible to fix..). He tells me he wants to marry me and that he thinks I’m the most gorgeous girl in the world, he’s never called me fat, ugly, or stupid (except for one time when we were fighting), he’s never physically abused me, and if he can sense I am not okay with something during sex he will stop and ask me if I’m okay and that we can stop. I cannot trust my gut at all to tell if he’s a good person or not so that’s why I’m asking here. I can’t tell anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break up with him at all unless he is treating me badly.
Wow! That's some dysfunctional relationship. You say you can't trust him because of he lies to you - Which I can understand and agree with. However, putting myself in his position and all the drama of the relationship between the two of you... I wouldn't be surprised if he broke up with you.
I doubt you'll read this. If you do... Chill out a little. Nobody's perfect and everyone gets horny. Take a deep breath and relax.
Listen, let's get real here OT23:
"and I remember him always telling me that we could find a middle ground where we would both be happy and I would be comfortable"
He's a bloke! BLOKE-KUH! A pusher, tester, chancer, ...prime candidate for having his neck wrung sometimes, etc. He's never going to be as sensitive, considerate, cautious, delicate as a woman, nor always be the one in control of his sexual urges and all thoughts connective rather than the other way around, but - BY GOD, for a bloke of his age he sounds quite a sensible, down-to-earth diamond if you ask me!
I don't think you're OCD, I think you have OCD *Thinking*. And, going by that outstanding opening post (especially in terms of self-awareness and -enlightenment and powers of observance), I would conclude it's because you're such an above-average intelligent, speedy-minded individual that you've basically got more mental appetite than places to put it, hence are allowing it to get stuck into your relationship as a source of challenge and stimulation over and above the normal amount. And this - because you lack merely greater experience as affords greater courage (the number 1 requisite for deep, meaningful, lasting relationship-worthiness without too much drama) - is sometimes making for a negative outcome. But only temporarily from what I can see.
(What are you studying? Whatever it is, it's not enough.)
Some lies are good. Whether they're good or bad relies wholly on what they're AIMED AT ACHIEVING. And that relies on their host and whether he overall means well. As far as I can tell (which is farther than most), this guy does. So, you're not going to turn him into the Arch Angel Gabriel in terms of never uttering another, even trivial lie in his bid for a quieter life. But where the important stuff is concerned, he's clearly doing his level best.
You're going through a period of personal adjustment - sifting through your baggage of life's lessons and so-called rules to decide what to throw out and what to keep or tweak in accordance with who YOU are and how YOU tick, and, unfortunately, you and your boyfriend met before you'd fully finished 'baking' in that oven. Them's sometimes the breaks. But that, plus the fact of said insufficient mental food to chew on, means it IS going to be a bit of a bumpier bonding and trust-building ride than it could or should be for a while. So it would help if you were to remember this little rule: You cannot peer into the box in order to previewing-ly spot cast-iron guarantees of never ending up disappointed and let down here or there (or even wholly heartbroken despite wiser by project's end). You have to get INTO the box and walk around all of its nooks and crannies. Test-driving a partner is a journey of EXPLORATION, not a mapped-out itinerary.
So cease worrying so much all the time. Try to take a more philosophical 'Que Sera' attitude...find that perfect balance for you between letting Fate's wind blow you (and he) where it will and your exerting your concerted control. Know when to go with the flow and when to stick your oar in. You're not going to DIE if it eventually turns out you and this chap were close but not quite close enough to qualify for Together Forever Amen. In the meantime, however, he clearly has your interests at heart, in some places ahead of his own or at others at least equal to them. Aside from that one diamond example up there that I've pasted in (out of a whole gamut, note!), I see nothing but VERY encouraging signs underneath all the usual wobbles and (subconscious) sexually-generated drama on the surface level.
Tip: Next time you have an issue or fear that involves him or requires his input as your team-mate, try to set a more comforting context by raising the topic with this opening statement: 'I'm having another wobble. Can you help talk me down again, please?' That way, you'll both stay calm and sort things out more quickly, rather than panicking and causing negative fall-out as if every little niggle spells potential disaster.
Hope that helps.