Should I stay or should I go?
Ok so i have been with my current boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old together. We've gone through our fair share of ups and downs (arguments and fallouts) mainly jus bicker over something small then we wont talk for about 2-3 days then it will happen again very frustrating. He recently cheated on me (received oral sex from a friend of his) i was devasted as u can imagine but i decided to forgive him purely because i do love him and want us to work and we havent exactly had the best intimate life if im being honest we jus lost a connection from each other and things have been very bland and mediocre. Anyway after forgiving him he made all these promises about getting us back on track being a better boyfriend etc. Which he did for a while but cracks began to form because my insecurities and heartbreak from the cheating showed and made him inpatient and we were back to arguing and those fallout cycles prior to this. Im at a point where i feel i deserve better im a good person and mother to our child. I just dont know what to do anymore... ?
I don't think you will ever be able to recover from him cheating on you, especially considering your sex life isn't all that great. It will leave you so insecure you wont be able to appreciate yourself.
You need to talk to him, explain that of course you're not totally cool with the fact he's cheated, and you never will be, but that's his fault, not yours.
If you guys have an argument after you admit this, you'll know he's not mature enough to take blame for his actions, and it's probably best for your mental health and for your child, to leave.
Of course you both can be mature and he can still see the child, but there are many people out there who will love and respect you and would never ever hurt you.
You just need to know he's mature enough to take responsibility for his actions so he can fight for you and the kid.
Very true. I do understand nobody is perfect and people make mistakes but u gotta learn from them and he if can then maybe we can work but i feel like i forgave him to quick, he wasnt given enough time to be apart from me and really understand what he put me through. I was too quick to forgive because i didnt want to be alone of for him to seek attention again elsewhere. I need to see effort and fight. Hes an impatient person so i dont know where things are heading next...
Oh, I'm sure he's not thinking you've forgiven him. If you had, he wouldn't have any reason to be losing patience with you, would he.
Anyway, you can't forgive someone who doesn't want and seek to be forgiven in the first place (think about it).
Losing patience, PFF! He should have thought about your reactions as part of the all-round consequences of his actions pre-act consideration and the fact it would reasonably, logically and INEVITABLY include your wanting all the details and reassurances, etc. So I'm with KathleenLee.
So, then, your so-called insecurities are his fault, too, aren't they. Again, think about it: if he'd been prepared and befittingly willing to give you all the ins and outs to *your* satisfaction, i.e. to where your mind had run out of questions and could finally REST, and if he'd been responding to these queries in such a way as demonstrated he understood and had no problems with the fact it would naturally take TIME for this process to run its course, then - what reason would you have in the first place to be 'insecure' and acting accordingly?
I think this was a leverage affair. That would explain perfectly why he doesn't want you to get over it - not completely (just enough not to feel the urge to (or dare to) hassle him). Whilst you're not quite over it, not quite enough, you - so he hopes - will forever be susceptible to believing a repeat episode would be liable. And for as long as you keep believing and dreading that, you're going to be - WHAT NOW? That's right - on tenterhooks, walking on eggshells, taking great pains to make him love you enough never to stray again. AIM... FIRE.... BULLSEYE!
This is him trying to put then keep you VERY MUCH on your toes. And THAT is why he's "losing patience" every time you try to gather enough information about what happened, when and how, as well as how he felt and feels now. It's to block you, using implied threat. Because that route - when not blocked, note! - leads you to - WHAT NOW? That's right again: GETTING OVER IT. Which goes completely against his little plan to leave you never quite over it in Eggshell City.
But are you SURE-sure-sure this incident between he and Little Miss Desperate actually happened or have you only got his word for it? Also, tell me - are BJs - or BJs on him - one of your least favourite bedroom activities by any chance, or a contentious area when it comes to how you do it as opposed to how he wants you to do it (and, hey-ho-whaddaya-know, what were the bloody chances - she just happened to do it in that very same long-wanted and nagged-for manner)?
Whichever... neither answer is good.
Dump the dud. Or tell him he's dumped unless he agrees to couples counselling (preferably by a counsellor who's been cheated on or has walked many men and women through it so that they can have a good idea of just how hellish it feels). Or issue a formal 6 month separation.
And by the way, you'll know where things are heading as well as get there much faster if you wake up and realise the simple fact that YOU, now, get to dictate where things are heading next. Because he gave up that right to dictate, the minute he cheated. So you're the victim AND the judge and jury, with him in the dock awaiting sentencing.
Start thinking like that and watch him suddenly climb down from his pompous little tree, cap finally off his head and in hand.
PS: You have a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old..., actually.
At first (when i forgave him) he was being very attentive, nice, buying me flowers etc.. then that fizzled out and he tries less now because he believes i will never forgive him. I felt i was in control when i forgave him but now i feel like hes in control. i always wonder where he is whats he doing. i dont even think hes really like really in love with me. Maybe weve out grown each other or he just got to complacent. i definitely think i forgave him way too quickly. maybe it is really the end now. i want and desrve someone who will love me as much as i love them, right?
Well, that's a very stupid attitude he's got there. How CAN you forgive him - properly, I mean - if he's not doing his lead part in the forgiveness process? How LAZY to say the reason he isn't is because you'll never forgive him anyway. What a cop-out. Someone should educate him about how forgiveness is EARNED, not donated practically for free.
What you mean is, you ACTED like you'd immediately forgiven him. Well, with the pressure he placed on you, implicitly or otherwise, that's hardly surprising.
Yes, right. And you also need someone who has the capability of clearing UP any mess they make, not just create it.
Give counselling a try. Unless you try every available method for encouraging him to step up, you'll only consign yourself to saying 'What if?' for the rest of your days. Whereas, if you are going to leave a marriage, it's far better for you to be able to do so with your own head held high.
Yes, of course feelings, willing and capability should be reciprocal. Absolutely.