I unknowingly forced my husband into having a baby
I met my husband in highschool, a year later we got together. We've been together five years and married for two. We just recently bought our first home. Its no mansion by any means but its a four bedroom home. Few months ago, I kept on the baby topic. I said I didn't want to wait any longer to have a baby, and my husband was for it at first then backed off the subject and was against it. I asked him if he even wanted kids, to which he said yes, but i had the feeling he didnt. I unknowingly forced my husband into having a baby. I told him I wasn't going through life not having kids, and for that he wanted to make me happy. Here I am, 21 weeks pregnant with a man who doesn't want his own child. At first he seemed excited, we had the nursery set up and painted before we ever found out the sex. He kept saying from the beginning it was a boy, and couldn't wait to take him hunting and fishing. We had our ultrasound to determine it was indeed a boy, and after the technician left the room he did a little dance. He just got back from a week long trip he took with his brother to Alaska to visit their other brother that lives there. Ever since he's been back he's been very distant, and saying he never wanted this child and will never. He's brought up divorce and said he didn't want to be around a child he never wanted so I didn't need to worry about visiting times. He said he realizes he made the mistake by trying to make me happy and going alone with it when he shouldn't of. One minute he will hug me and tell me he's here for me and another minute he's mad over it. Has anyone else had this problem? Will he finally accept it once the baby comes? Is he just nervous and scared of being a dad? I'm unsure what to do, I love this man and always have. I can't see myself in life without him but I hate hurting him anymore.
Hi there, are you guys financial ok ? Do you both work ? My thoughts are he had talks with his brothers and they are telling him the expensive part about it,the responsibility is huge. Just remember you have to work as a team to make it work. Communicate with each other that's huge. You both are very nervous about having a baby. Just probably different ways. It will pass He will be so excited
I agree. I think his brothers put the fear of god into him and rained squarely on his parade. No responsible brothers would do that without simultaneously painting the positives. So are we to presume his brothers aren't yet married with kids, and are treating this like a road-to-maturity competition, thereby trying to slow him down so that they won't come in last?
This doesn't sound like it's HIS opinions. Not when there he is, 'moments' before, doing a dance of joy - no way.
Maybe give it time for those force-fed, false opinions to exit his system?
Oh, and meantime stop taking this doormat attitude of you being the perpetrator to his poor little victim. The whole POINT of marriage is to have kids! A man can't have the perks without the work, nor mis-use a product in terms of making it do something it wasn't designed for or failing to implement one of its top features, like buying a toaster purely as an occasional hand- or foot-warmer. So if he really didn't want kids, why set that whole ball in motion? The answer is, he does want kids, deeper down. Actions speak louder. And the actions are:
1. Married you, knowing you're a woman in your prime and despite you'd never said you DIDN'T want kids, the assumption therefore being that you're normal and like any normal woman, would.
2. Bought a home big enough to grow into...big enough for a family... total overkill for just two people!
3. Fails to suggest or even mention an abortion, despite twenty-one whole weeks of non-stop opportunity to do so.
4. Meanwhile, expresses excitement which he proves authentic by joining you in readying the nursery!
5. Starts thinking of the baby in real terms, all the way to 'fishing age', by focussing and fantasising on what gender it'll be as opposed to not. (Caring overly about which gender shows a bit of immaturity, but at least proves he's looking forward to it.)
6. So over-the-moon with gender confirmation he does a victory dance! In front of you!
7. Took a trip presumably to TELL his brothers all about the happy and proud news?
8. Despite having had cold water poured in response, is left decidedly off-balanced yet unconvinced hence is STILL, in amongst panicking/complaining, spouting his more usual, *independent* positive feelings (the hug and loyalty reassurance).
YES, he's scared (thanks to his jealous and petty minded, frankly downright a-hole brothers). And so he's trying almost to create an imaginary exit door for himself so that IF fatherhood proved too hard to handle, he could - if he dared - turn around and leave you, saying, it wasn't ME who wanted this baby and in fact I TOLD you I wasn't sure I'd stick around.
I think these noises are just pressure-relieving ollocks, just panic talking, along with his feeling trapped into taking on something bigger than he's perhaps ready for. Well, NONE of us are EVER ready. And that's how nature wants it. Think about it. Were it not that way then, rather than us constantly reacting and playing catch-up as the baby changed and developed and conquered each new challenge, ones babyhood would instead look and sound like this: "Okay, little Johnny... Today is the day that you start eating solids / sitting upright / crawling / talking / walking upright on two feet"... As if! Baby leads, we follow, making the necessary adjustments.
HOWEVER, because you never know, and nor can reasonably be expected to spend the next however many years of your boy's childhood constantly braced (like, every time there was an argument) for just in case that's the moment he takes as his excuse to exit, you need to get him to put his money where his mouth is.
Give him two choices and demand he place his flag in either one of them, there and then, no dithering allowed. Or if you want to be more generous-spirited about it - give him a week's deadline. But no more.
1a. He say so in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want the baby boy, in which case you'll urgently book an abortion. No going back, no regrets. Apart from the fact you obviously won't want anything more to do with him so long as ye live so will divorce him immediately and resign yourself to waiting a little longer to have your baby with a man who truly loves you and knows you truly love him, hence would truly love any walking-talking product of that love.
1b. Ditto in no uncertain terms, in which case you and your little passenger will disappear from his life toute suite, and, in fact, because you'll be so heartbroken and so ucked off with life, you reckon you might well (- lie! -) move to another country altogether to be with relatives (- "where? - NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!") so that you'll have the distraction of pastures new, and that way he won't be able to ever change his mind by tracking the pair of you down, even if he wanted to.
3. He say so in no uncertain terms that he DOES want the baby (and you) and stops dicking you around like this.
Forgot the other action:
9. Failed to wear a condom.
Thank you guys for the reply. His one brother just had a little girl, but I don't think he wants her to lose the center of attention in their family. I gave him the option that we can just disappear from his life, but he said he couldn't let that happen. But if he's going to do this I need him here for me supporting me like a husband should. I plan to give him about a week to see if his mood changes. Maybe it's just the shock of reality after his getaway trip to Alaska. If nothing changes after that week, then there will be options. Thank you guys again!
No, from clues in his behaviour I think Devilsangel is right in saying it'll pass. But it's just very reassuring and an aid to confidence if you have a plan B (and C) as potential back-up, even if you don't get even remotely near to implementing them.
Meanwhile - yep, your theory about the limelight shifting almost exactly matches my own, and fits perfectly in terms not only of brother's (possibly subconscious) motives but also the results you've been seeing.
Might help, whilst next chatting to him about "things 'n stuff", to just casually and very subtly drop that altogether plausible theory into the conversation, ensuring to put it into question format, as in 'Here, you don't suppose your brother [etc], do you?!........I don't know, it's only just occurred to me, what do YOU think?'. Might be enough to lead him into stumbling on this inevitable conclusion himself of his having been manipulated? Or you could just spell it out? You know him best so you'd know which would work best, I imagine.
Keep us posted?