I am making myself crazy not knowing what's really going on!
So I could make this story even longer than I am going to but I will not go back to the very beginning and bore you that much but I really feel like I am going nuts wondering what's wrong with me that my boyfriend has lost all sexual desire. In order to get any help on this here is some background: so it was not always like this. we met in early 2011 and initially became really good friends. There were a number of reasons for this. First because we were both getting divorced at the time, me after 20 years and him after 12. both not good. we both had been very manipulated in our marriage's. It was much harder for him to deal with everything when he was getting a divorce because he had 3 younger children at home, my 2 kids were moved out or my youngest was graduating and moving out. Because of him having younger kids, a terrible ex wife, and I mean the worst of the worst. She is so evil, her own family has now all disowned her and apologized to my boyfriend for ever believing her. And him being 6 years younger than me, I also had to work very hard to establish a career because my ex never worked while I was married. I had to support my family so I established a pretty good career for myself and now only had to support myself after all these years and did much better than my boyfriend. His ex hated me so much, she called me terrible things to the kids and this was me being a friend, so we knew it would be worse if we were dating. My point is, we started out as best friends. we actually dated other people knowing there were way too many reasons that we should not date anyway. But, we really liked to talk and support each other. It did end up being sexual, at first it did not work. sometimes he just could not get a erection. He said this was because when he is distracted or if he is emotionally attached to someone it just does not happen with someone else and he was still trying to get over his ex wife. It was not always happening with his girlfriend when he had one. Now, I heard through mutual friends that he did not find me attractive or I guess his type you would say. He was never really attracted to me and I never know if this is guy talk or if I can believe him now that he did not mean it because I have asked him about it and he says of course he thinks I am beautiful and he is attracted to me. He has always liked dark hair, dark eyes, more the Italian look I would say, not me at all, I am blond with green eyes, Russian. I have always doubted how he really feels about how I look though. Anyway, we had the most amazing incredible sexual connection ever when we started having sex. this was a daily thing. I am very sexual and after so many years not being happy and not being satisfied this was amazing I thought I had found heaven, my perfect match. we got along in every way. One issue, he was an alcoholic. His ex wife preferred him that way. it was much easier for her to control him. well he was not happy with drinking and he did quit about a year and a half ago. He does great, he is very happy not drinking and work is good, he has gotten a promotion due to improvement since no longer drinking, his one son moved in full time with us. Here is the problem, since he stopped drinking we have had sex 4 times....yes that was FOUR TIMES!!!!! That is why I am going crazy. I can not figure it out. I think it is because he only had this amazing sex with me was because he was drunk and was then able to sleep with my ugly ass... (I have had bad issues with hating on myself growing up and it took years to get over it so this is terrible on me). He tells me it is him and not me that he has just lost his libido but he also has been telling me for months he will go to the dr for help and he knows how I feel about it and I no longer want to bug him. I don't want to make him feel bad about this. I have told him that I can live without the sex if I have to but I have to have affection, I have to have cuddling and kissing, I have to have everything else and I get nothing. He is good to me in many other ways, I do not understand, he just has stopped all together in the affection and sex area. It is like he looks at me like a sister. he does not look at me with lust at all. I feel so horrible. I do not think he is cheating, he does not have the time for that. I am wondering if when he stopped drinking if he could have just lost his libido. or if he really may have just realized he was not attracted to me sexually and since he does not work in that area unless his mind is also connected it is just not going to happen. It has come to the point this is the only thing on my mind. I am up at night late thinking about it and it is first thing entering my mind. How could I have ended up in the same situation again!!! a sexless relationship.. Also since we met I did put on about 20 lbs and I don't look fat by any means and I am working on it but about the time he stopped drinking I fell and had several surgeries so being on the couch for 4 months did not help my figure. That should not matter, His ex still outweighs me by a good hundo... He had no problems with her. I just don't know if I am not wanting to see the picture right in front of me or maybe he has some ED after he stopped drinking and other people have dealt with it and can help I am just at a loss and do not know what to do anymore but I suffer from migraines and seizers and lack of sleep does not help them
I think you're right, I think being drunk gave him 'beer goggles' as well as allowed him to relax enough, hence now that there's no booze you and he have had sex only four times in 18 months, making it once every four-and-a-half months.
That's not marriage, is it.
But you don't need to be ugly for this to be the case. Just not his type, sexually, hence no chemical reactivity, hence no product of such: sex. Same could happen even if you were Angelina Jolie herself.
It's common for the once-majorly-bitten to want a safe relationship in which to hide as well as simultaneously keep up or preserve outward appearances to the contrary as say that you, the bitten, are NOT out for the count and are your usual tickety-boo, survivor self.
Yet here is the result. You don't genuinely fancy one another and never did. Chemistry normally is the glue that does more than just make you want to keep ripping each other's clothes off, even if normal, everyday life's shit gets in the way and prevents you doing that more than once every month or fortnight. But once every nearly five months speaks un-ignorable volumes, indeed. And you can't even claim personal deterioration of his as the reason, can you. Not when in every other arena he's evidently on the up.
You KNOW you didn't fancy each other as is the requisite precursor to a couple becoming permanent mates because, look - he initially could take or leave you and DID 'leave' you (dated someone else). Whereas, if you HAD fancied each other as nature requires all pairbonding couples to feel, then the attitude would have been, TO HELL with any so-called sensible reasons against!
Gratitude and relief and post-liberation craziness probably has a lot to answer for regarding why initially for a short while you and he seemed to click in the bedroom. You thought you'd found Heaven but in fact it was an imitation, called what I've just spelled out along with WAY Better Than The Ex syndrome (for you both). But, as you've now discovered, that's not enough 'petrol' to keep the car running for more than a few hundred miles.
That you're not even getting other alternative displays of affection just confirms this analysis.
But you're NOT 'in the same situation again (!!!)'. You're in a less bad situation than before. And that's because instead of having chosen to remain single whilst getting over your marriage and that whole period, you got OUT of your hospital bed, hopped around on your leg cast, and found Like to your Like (- likes attract). Since he, too, had been in the hospital, he, likewise, had been semi-recovered at that point. If on the other hand, you had waited until it was time for the cast to come off, whereupon you'd have been discharged from the hospital altogether, then another likewise fully mobile man is what you'd have attracted.
Matey, here, is your rebound relationship.
If this alleged lack of libido were purely down to ED *AFTER* THE FACT - whereas it usually manifests during (unless depression takes over - which his recent promotion suggests not) - or if it were down to *permanent* penile blood vessel damage due to the chronic-ness of his past drinking as prevents said vessels from closing again (preventing blood backflow) upon engorgement/erection being reached - then he would have sensed that truth and acted accordingly... by having gone to the doctor's already to get it sorted. That he agrees each time to go but then doesn't follow through speaks volumes on that score (plus it's not even a case of his *trying* despite failing, is it). His dragging his feet on this point also keeps you waiting without the ability to eliminate ED from the enquiry so as to be capable of focusing properly on all the other remaining, potential reasons/causes. I.e. it keeps you paralysed from taking remedial action.
Anyway, ED does not stop the urge to cuddle and kiss and say affectionate things.
When the chemistry is what you bond over, you could literally have TWO HEADS! All that would result would be him selling it to himself and everyone that knows him as a BONUS: "And - another reason why I'm so into her - she doesn't just have ONE set of beautiful Green eyes but TWO! How lucky am I?!". So the fact your weight has gained or that you're Blonde instead of Brown, etc., etc., has absolutely nothing to do with it. They're just explanations that people who are clueless about how A1 compatible chemistry works (on all levels) plump for as (in this case, positive) excuses to explain and justify their attraction, rather than have to utter the dreaded phrase that goes, 'I don't know, I haven't got a clue.'.
Aside from the above 'port in a storm' and 'dual celebration via sex' aspects... You have healthy finances (including, I'm presuming, savings and a pension). Does he? And whose house is it? I ask those because  you said yourself you've done so much better than him and  I can't help but wonder why HE would seem so willing to just keep plodding along in a chemically sub-standard, sex-less pairing? And if not with you then who IS he having sex with? (And if no-one, then what's wrong with him?)
Go into detail about how little time you feel certain he has? And same for how certain you are that he indeed did give up alcohol?
SOULMATE I think you have pointed out some valid points and also made me look at this through someone else's eyes which is what I needed. I do know number one he is not drinking because it is not something he could hide, as well as he would become very sick from it. Just days before he stopped drinking he became real sick and he knew it was all building up, I had told him no more, I grew up with an alcoholic father and said I would not be married to one. He had been sick, missing work, well ended up in the hospital for a week diagnosed with pancreatitis and benign tumor. It would be obvious if he started again.
He works a lot of hours so when he is not working he does come home. Unless he was leaving work to go meet someone which is very unlikely we are generally together. I know, if someone wants to cheat they can find the opertunty to do so. I have looked for every sign believe me. Even with my work I am trained to look for signs and notice things. I would be very off if he was. He has tried all the male otc low testosterone supplements nothing helps. He says its embarrassing to talk about it.
The house we now live in is ours. We both basically walked away from our last marriages with nothing. I do have more money and savings but he does alright. Certainly together we do much better. And yes this does complicate things because life has become comfortable together and "normal" what if that is why he is with me. He has assured me it is not me but his issue again and again but I totally see your point. I don't know HOW it couldn't bother him. He says that he just 100% lost sexual desire. I think though that that does come with cuddling and kissing and the closeness and the chemistry would be there or not with the sex drive and if not at least you are showing affection even if he really doesn't have sexual desire
I don't know.
I think I just needed to get it off my chest.
You told him, "no more!", did you?,....mum?...nursie?
Okay, well, at least this new data sheds a far less ominous and worrying light on everything.
Here's why you ended up in a sexless relationship (again): Because at least he was an alcoholic and that is your (uncomfortable) comfort zone, something you were long used to thus already knew how to deal with and operate alongside AND don't find as upsetting as would a novice. You know where you are with a mini-dad, eh. It means you can skip a lot of the exploration and learning exercise and get straight into bondedness ("quick-quick, put the nasty ex relationship into the past!"
, same as you would skip the first few chapters of a user manual for a DVD player when you've owned lots before and become nigh-on expert with the total ins and outs of them.
Sex was not one of your ready checklist items, someone who fit into the hole that dad had over the years chiselled into you was. You forgot to have it forefront of your mind.
Your mouth, meanwhile, can say what it damn well likes; your inner animal doesn't give a sh*t what Conscious You thinks (unless your aims happen to gel).
Your psyche needs to learn that what you 'gain' in ready interaction and slotting-in tools you lose - BIG TIME - in other ways/areas. Plus, you can't go back and 'save' your dad just because since you ceased being a kid you've (unconsciously) had lots of great ideas to try.
Embarrassing to talk about. Okay, then maybe he HAS caused lingering (hopefully not permanent) damage and just can't face going to the doc's. I'm betting it's psychological ED (in which case he needs a prescription of Viagra). That probably explains a large chunk of his reluctance... it'd be a bit like having to open Pandora's Box - too much like hard work, even with a therapist's help, to sift through and re-file everything, this time in their proper places. Plus, if you're more tolerant than the average, he doesn't need to, does he. So he just doesn't go there (in both senses).
Ah, but he does need to (drip....drip....drip....*overflow*). Everyone has a limit, including you.
I think the 'didn't genuinely fancy you' bit was a face-saving excuse in case it got out that he wasn't satisfying his woman, or perhaps was an excuse made when a friend of his got a bit too close, questioning-wise about yours and his sex-life, for comfort.
But he's still your rebound relationship. Difference between you both, however, is that his was a permanent leg cast and you simply couldn't tell back then.
You can now.
I'm sure it does bother him - a fact that would just ADD to his inability to get it up, actually. And I heavily imagine that's why he now avoids kissing and cuddling you... in case you get turned on, berbom.
If he wants to take this relationship OUT of rebound territory, prove that it even can be promoted, then - whether alone or with you for moral support - he has to go to the doctor's. And that is that is THAT. Because for every day, week, month that he procrastinates, those 'drip...drip...drips' are amassing and corroding your marriage. Simple as that.
In other words - no, you just need to get it ON your chest!
It's put your foot down until he finally takes you seriously time.