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He cut me off with no explanation

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Long Distance Relationship advice i met this guy online. i live in the UK he lives in America, we got on well, he had his issues getting a job, i was there for him, i was a friend and encouraged him the best i could with helping with with his resumes and encouraging him to be the best he could be. he was kind to me. we prayed together and were good. he wanted us to be together and i was reluctant because of the distance but he insisted we could work it out and i agreed because i fell for him. he has 4 kids from, i have none but i was willing to be with him. we were good, talked daily, skyped. One day things changed, he got job offers and was trying to still sort himself out. he dropped me, ignored my calls, one day i worried so much i called him so many times and realised he was ignoring me. i was hurt and felt stupid. i realised that he didn't want anything to do with me, he would read my messages on Facebook and ignore me. so i deactivated my account for a few days thinking he might miss me.. how silly i was :) i came back online, tried to talk to him he ignored me, answered me later but it was not the same. one day he finally shut me out. i emailed him telling him i was hurting. he read the messages and ignored me. i cried because i have been hurt before and i opened up a lot to him and he promised not to hurt me and said if he ever wanted me out of his life he would tell me. I have accepted this and realised that i built a fantasy, but i wonder how people can be so cruel. it has made me swear of online relationships. i am at a stage where trust is now hard for me. some days i want to call him and tell him how hurt i am but i know he doesn't care. i just wonder how people can pick you up and drop you. i put a lot of time into this and i know i can't change anything. i accept it, i doubt i will ever get closure.. but i still wonder why.

He cut me off with no explanation

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Blah-blah-blah. You don't go by mere words, you judge how sincerely ready, willing and able they are by their repeat or major or sustained actions. Only, that's not possible in a purely ether relationship, is it, meaning, he could have said anything, with you having no way to verify it.

Actions too definite to be ignored, however, now say the opposite - as you newly realise.

People can be cruel when they're just not considering your feelings. They're called insensitive, self-unaware and self-obsessed. And this is made all the easier from behind their monitors (- think Road Rage and how the rager-driver feels safely shielded from the other person thus has the confidence to act in ways that are totally out of character).

Don't blame the ether. It's just a tool. Some use it for good ("helloooo! :-)"), some use it for bad. Depends on the intrinsic person or the stage/phase they're going through.

If you want to know why then I imagine that whilst he was out of work and bored at home, you were a welcome distraction - one that he allowed to get out of hand once he got to fearing he might be out of work for ages, whereupon he figured he'd put his ambition to use via a relationship instead and started talking permanent. And then he finally got a job. Genuine hole filled = you now superfluous to requirements.

Try to steer clear of people who have gaping holes that need filling. It should be this: Right, got the career, got the steady home, got the income, got the social life, the family's all okay - WHAT'S NEXT? Answer: A bird of my feather to share my smooth-running life with me.

I expect you'd like even MORE to (cough!) 'fill his hole' now, wouldn't you? ;-) Don't worry - he'll get his (what goes around comes around).

He cut me off with no explanation

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@Soulamte, thank you, you are so right... i was hurt and i realise i should not have believed him. life goes on... all his resumes and application letters i did for him worked.i wish people were not like this but unfortunately they are.. life does go on. i have learnt the hard way.. no more internet love for me

He cut me off with no explanation

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(Scoozie delay)

Oh, well, if you were *instrumental* to that degree in his finding work then you've just earned yourself major Kharma credits, meaning, you'll get yours, too - but of the positive variety. :-) Watch that space!

No, people are not like this. SOME people are like this. Your mission, should you choose to accept it [insert Mission Impossible soundtrack], is to find ones that aren't. And you do that by pretending they're mute and just watching their feet. If, enough times, what their feet do matches consistently with what their mouth SAID OR INDICATED they'd do, *then* you can start taking notice of what they say. Emotional notice, I mean.

Across the ether makes it all so much harder, though. For starters, he could have been married for all you knew. Maybe his wife found out about the fact of you and he corresponding and put her foot majorly down? That would make him slightly less of a cad because at least he was doing the right thing in terms of his immediate priorities and responsibilities, but - who cares about him when he doesn't care about you? Let him get on with it. You, on the other hand, have had a priceless life lesson practically for free! Someone 'up there' must like you. :-)

He cut me off with no explanation

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@Soulmate

To be honest you are so right... i would be more mindful, i am one of those who just falls of anything and all the blah blah blah. i left him alone, i even typed out a long email i decided not to send. because i realised that he did not care before and nothing will make him care now. i just typed anyway... i got the release from writing it..

i will continue to be the generous person i am but i will not be emotional about anyone. i have accepted that its ok to be my best company and i don't need to be with anyone to complete me. your initial advice was so good and your additional comment even better.

wherever and whoever you are... i can only say thank you so much. you saved me from having to sit down and pondering on what could have been or what was...

i wish him happiness and the whatever he wishes himself but i will never be part of his life... to think he lied to me about how women treated him and how he felt motivated by me worried me as he might be doing that to others...

He cut me off with no explanation

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hey,
I just broke up with my gf from a LDR too, we promised things, a lot of things, we were willing to live together, to get married and children, to build a life, a family together. You know, it was all fantasy too. But it was good, wasn't it? Loved and felt loved, now we both have to hurt each other. Be hurt too, you and I will be stronger ok? Trust me. I am having a bad time of missing her so much, waiting for her message or call just like you. But i know it won't happen, even if it happens, it shouldnt be that way. We'll get back to bad time arguing, torturing each other, that's not good. A LDR is hard for everyone, but sometimes being able to say "I love you" and listen to that is hard to have too right? (of course i mean romantic relationship) Don't blame yourself and the other person, you are just not the right ones for each other. Or right person, but not right time, not right place. Don't blame the distance too, it doesn't mean a close distance relationship can last longer (in fact, i don't think most will). Love more, don't blame love when you haven't found a real one, are you sure yours isn't an illusion of love? We can blame the person who leaves, but sometimes isn't love supposed to mean leaving someone, so they won't suffer in the future? Maybe not in your case, maybe not in my case. But who cares? Hey love yourself more, find your passion. If you were here i will give you a big hug
Be strong ok?

He cut me off with no explanation

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@Gaijin,

Thank you, i need that hug but i will settle for a cyber hug for now. well i bought into an idea of someone i had not met falling for me and all that .. however i should have been more mindful. i just wish i got that call or apology but it will never happen..

i will stop the self blame or even any form of blame as its not helping. we will get through this... i am done with trying..

i hope to find that love...glad to know you are also moving on

i will be strong... hard as that is.. possible as it is..

stay strong too :)

He cut me off with no explanation

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Yeah alright, Jim-Bob and Sue Ellen Walton - less of the mushy-gushies (there might be kids watching)! ;-p LOL

I'm not hugging either of you because I don't know where you've been, LOL, but what you CAN have is a priceless tip in the form of an easy visualisation aid:

I just want to check you're not about to jump from one extreme of too easily melted to the other - impossible to melt - or you'll just end up in the same situation you're in now, but where it's the OTHER person left complaining. Both of these (as Gaijin rightly indicates) were cases of Right Qualities (yours), WRONG RECIPIENT (them).

Just keep your grateful and reciprocal powder a little drier. Wait until continuing to hold a meaty portion of yourself back would make you look anywhere between downright blind/deaf/stupid or dysfunctional (because the other person has overall too consistently been putting their money where their mouth is: said they'd call tomorrow, DID call tomorrow (x 10) OR didn't call tomorrow (x only once or twice) but had a legit-sounding excuse and proved it legit by making it up to you in this or other ways).

You're an ice-lolly. The stick is your heart. And the environment is fairly cool. The other person has got to do enough licking until you're all stick or at least enough stick is exposed, as opposed to mainly just standing there saying they intend to lick you (in a minute, in a minute, soon, tomorrow, when I/if I, blah-blah) and hoping the room temperature will do it for them, or taking a lick but then spitting or letting your juice dribble out, whereby all or too much of your good stuff just ends up a puddle on the floor. If you're doing your share of licking of *their* lolly then they've no excuse. Because staying in love after falling in love works by the rule of tit for tat.

If you're the man, you 'tat' (act) and the woman should 'tit' (reciprocate), which sets that whole "back-and-forth-ness" ball rolling (think, removing the ice-lolly wrapper as the first act). Obviously, if you're the woman, you wait for the man to set the chain in motion. However, you don't melt in-one just after the first few tiny licks. It has to be a set number that taken as a total sum equals a big bite or a big bite taken in-one (the really grand gesture). Either/or. But for every drip that ends up wasted on the floor, you mark them down and mirror this lessening of enthusiasm.

Oh, and NEVER lick yourself for them.

This way, they've EARNED your stick - by actively and deliberately wearing down your defenses (ice).

Whilst you're busy mentally marking them, however, you do not let one ONE IOTA that you're doing so. Same goes for if you're feeling mightily sceptical or downright cynical and suspicious. You do that - let on - and you'll affect their performance, which can mean you unwittingly engineering the outcome. You need to give them the stage and the psychological freedom to strut their stuff, show what they're made of and how consistently keen on you they are.

Just to make sure you've really got it: Imagine I just hadn't responded to your last post, ERC. You'd think, 'Aww, she doesn't care that much'. Right? ACTIONS! And then you'd adjust your behaviour to suit, which would mean withdrawing or toning down your own attention-giving a bit.

The exception is when it's full-blown love-at-first-sight (which cancels out fear, caution, reticence, timidity, etc., and a lot of conscious mulling). In that jackpot-win situation, all this behaviour tends to happen naturally and spontaneously under both of your radars, meaning, it's not until you look back, a year or however much later, that you spot the overriding pattern.

So you don't need strength. Just determination not to give your hearts away for too little work.

No work = No perk. Tiny work = Tiny perk. And so on and so forth.

Hope that makes sense and apologies to all the little kiddies for a decidedly x-rated-sounding analogy, LOL.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

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