My friend is mad and is ignoring me and hurting me emotionally
Please listen to my problem. Long as it may be, I don't know know where else o turn for help. I thank you in advance.
My roommate and best friend is mad at me and she won't tell me why. She does this maybe twice or three times per year. Something silly happens that makes us angry at each other and we stop talking to each other. Normally, this lasts a few hours or a day. In occasions like this, it can lasts weeks.
I usually try to be the peacemaker and try to start a conversation or find a middle ground; although it's hard for the two of us to share our feelings when were upset, we do care about each other as we've proven it to each other time and time again. But she usually ignores me and walks away. She literally pretends I don't exist; she does her own laundry, she cooks for herself, we even work together because we get along so well but at work, she purposely starts a conversation with everyone so I can be left out. When she's in the house, she hurriedly goes to her room and stays there all day. Next day, she hurries to her car and leaves. Texting or calling her will result in being ignored.
Like I said, were like sisters so I usually try to stop this nonsense but honestly, I'm tired of her treating me like garbage. Even if I knew what I did wrong, I don't deserve to be treated like this, worse than a dog. I fear I might have done things wrong this time around since I am also ignoring her in return (but I try not to be rude; she's still my best friend) but I'm doing it to stand my ground and gain the respect I deserve. She's probably missing the point, though, and thinking I'm an ass.
I don't expect to be treated the same way I treat her. That's my fault for having these expectations from her. But I do demand respect. I can't approach her, though. I don't know how to end this or how much this is hurting our friendship. I need to talk to her about this to avoid this from happening in the future but I want to be in good terms with her first, otherwise it will look like another attack.
If anyone can give me some words of encouragement or advice as to how to solve this, I'd appreciate it. There's a bit more to this story but I'll stop for now. Once again, thanks in advance.
That was a short opening post, actually. Plus, in order to turn a jigsaw into a comprehensible picture one needs all the pieces. So could you add that 'bit more', please? Cheers.
Well, the "bit more" is regarding me, I think. I suffer from what I call mid anger issues. I call it that because I haven't been diagnosed about anything ever (too broke). But basically, I feel like I'm always angry/grumpy. I'm just more of an introvert.
What started it all (I think?) is that I wanted to stay home over the weekend but my friend really wanted me to go with her to see her family. I love hanging out with her and her family and being dragged to places with her but that week was stressful for me for monetary reasons. I explained to her the issue and how I'd rather stay back and pretty much be angry at myself only; no risk of being rude to anyone. She insisted and cheered me up for most of the weekend. But I was obviously not the same "cheerful" person I am. Everyone noticed.
After two days of doing that, we came home and I mentioned I waned to stay home all day the next day and do nothing. Something I said seemed to offend her to which I immediately snapped back saying that she doesn't control my time. I was just upset because we had done whatever she wanted to do for three days and she reacted like that when all I asked was one day for myself.
That's when she stopped talking. I think me being grumpy throughout the weekend took a toll on both of us.
So if I'm at fault, I don't have an issue admitting it as I can see how she has to put up with my issues every day. But I'd like to know what I did wrong. That's also why I refuse to apologize first: because I'd be doing the same thing I always do -apologize for whatever- in order to have peace. Also, I do believe I don't deserve to be treated this way.
I'm afraid the point is not getting across, though, and I might be making things worse. I wanna talk to her about it but we must be in good moods and willing to talk about this. Attempting to approach her with this discussion in mind at the moment might cause her to distance herself even more, I fear.
All your fault AGAIN, is it?
It's your hard-earned weekend and although normally anywhere between willingly compromising or happily accommodative, on this one occasion you wanted to please yourself (shock-horror, you MONSTER!) because circumstances dictated a need to be alone and peaceful. So you gave her a full and comprehensive explanation (* noted!) so that she wouldn't take it personally (* noted!).
Who is she - the Queen Of Sheba? Where was her understanding that you occasionally have needs of your own? All About Her, is it?
So.. Having been denied your important Me-Time, you tried to at least make the most out of Sunday. Whereas Violet-Elizabeth had different ideas.
"Something" you said offended her. Well, if her retort made you say she doesn't control your time (correct!, especially when she'd already controlled your Saturday) then she had to have said something that finally revealed her her sense of over-entitlement where you're concerned thus doing wrong or being mean for refusing to act accordingly.
Are you her only friend or something? Real and meaningful friend, I mean? If so - I'm not surprised. And it's obviously only down to the fact that you take more sh*t than anyone else she's known that you still ARE her friend rather than have left her high and dry already.
She can't even reproach you for being grumpy that weekend because you'd warned her you would be and explained in detail.
Puppet on a string, anyone?
Listen, Pinocchio, I'm surprised you even type that you "believe" you don't deserve to be treated this way. It's not something that needs belief in. It's a simple FACT.
You're too nice/giving and she's a little controller. A spoiled (as in neglected) little kid from having only one playmate (or only one whom she genuinely enjoys the company of), the rest being mere acquaintances. So starved of meaningful company and fun is she that she tries to not only cram everything into tiny windows but is too hell-bent on getting her rare fill of happy time while she can. And you've been letting her, putting yourself and your needs too much on the backburner.
This long, drawn-out little strop of hers is meant to deter you from ever asserting yourself to that degree again. Because the hassle it causes is just too much to want to face again.
Well done for not being deterred and facing it each time!
Simple solution: let her get on with it. Do NOT show her that it hurts and angsts. Make like it's nothing more than a mixture between perversely amusing and slightly irritating but, overall, DOWNRIGHT UNIMPRESSIVE ("WTF, are you KIDDING me, are you for real!?"). Go out with other friends or just keep yourself amused in your room and, whenever you cross paths, just talk normally - hum or whistle if you like (but be subtle) - and if that fails to get a sensible response, just give a half-snort of a laugh and half tut and shake your head from side to side as you would were you seeing a toddler having a raging tantrum over too little in the middle of the supermarket. The message is: Jesus, what are you LIKE, what are ya - FIVE?
Wait for HER to approach YOU and make HER discuss it. Not you.
She needs to be taught that this little tactic of hers doesn't and won't work any more AND IN FACT is backfiring on her because, as I said, you're starting to find it amusing but in a really tiresome way. A turn-off.
I have friends who also do the same thing. Its like I've known them for over ten years but every now and then we just stop talking for weeks. I'v elearned to just let it happen and when emotions are reesolved within,I then go and approach my friend. I would try to do it on good terms though even if you have to waiit a little longer to do so. You sound as though you don't wat to loose the friendship.