Driving myself mad!
So i'm 24 , my partner (or ex) is 26. We have been together for 8 years now so we met when we were young. We have 2 kids together my oldest is 4 and my youngest is 15 months. We have always argued a lot but never been able to totally give up and separate as we have always said we love each other to pieces and would never want that to happen. Its petty things that build up and then it results in me telling him to leave through anger most times. He goes to his aunt's to stay and usually he will be the one to contact me first. Usually we talk things over - have a cry - say how much we dont want it all to happen again because it makes us feel so horrible etc etc... This time he had been living with his aunt for a few months but we had got back on track and were doing things together all the time as a family and also as a couple. I was so happy and he seemed it too. He got a new job about 3 months ago and he said he was really excited about it as he hadnt been working for a few months before that. I've never felt the need to check his facebook or anything as I have always trusted him. But 3 weeks ago now, I checked after we had spent a lovely day out with the 2 kids that day. He went home to his aunts house on the Sunday night (he was to move back in the Thursday after that) and I decided to just have a wee check of his facebook - dont know why to be honest! Just to be nosey I suppose! There was a longgg conversation between him and a girl who sat beside him in work. He wasnt saying much wrong but she was definitely flirting. Telling him how rubbish it was when he wasnt in work and how he better be going to the works night out and he was to sit with her and they would have such a good night.. He was just laughing along agreeing basically enjoying the way she was acting towards him. It hurt me so so much! I got so angry and called him screaming asking why he was entertaining it. I hung up because I started crying. I sent him a long message on facebook and he ignored it, went to work the next day 9-5 and I still hadnt heard from him. I sent him another message that night and he was telling me to get a grip he hadnt done anything wrong. I then acted out of the ordinary and sent this girl a facebook message telling her to back off. He wasnt pleased and said that I had embarassed him. He then changed his password so that I couldnt get on which I was so angry about. He said he would give me it again when I stopped acting mental. But as I was so angry and I had a gut feeling I was missing something after he changed it.. I sent a password reminder and got onto his facebook again - I had to see if I was right in thinking he would message her about the whole situation again - which he did. He was saying sorry and that I need to get a grip and he can speak to whoever he wants - which he can I have never had a problem with this but she was being far too friendly and I knew he had to sit beside her in work every day and he seemed to enjoy it. I jst freeked out thinking they are going to get closer and wondered how much flirting went on with them between 9-5 every day! So she started saying im so sorry I wish i didnt message you now bla bla... talking rubbish really because a few messages later she was telling him she could see why I was annoyed because hes so good looking. Which he said thankyou to after the trouble it had just caused. Again I saw this and went off my head. I told him we were finished. We had a massive argument and I blocked him. He continued saying to her that I was acting like a psycho and basically bringing me down to her which hurt me so much. He wasnt trying at all to even make things better or explain anything. He didnt seem to care which was killing me more. The police had been looking for him as he hadnt paid a fine for something silly ages ago! So out of anger I called the police and have them his aunts address, which resulted in him being arrested that night and going to court the next day which made him miss work. I know I went too far and I do regret it now. I unblocked him after 2 weeks and asked when he was going to make an attempt to see his kids. He said he was sorry but he had lost his job and was just feeling crappy. No excuse not to see the kids. So i said well make arrangements now to see them or just dont bother. He has ignored me and not bothere.. sent me messages inbetween saying he loves us but feels like he cant forgive me for acting that way. I told him fine but thats nothing to do with him seeing the kids. Which he ignored me on again. I was drunk at the weekend there and I sent him a message telling him I was feeling terrible without him and I acted out of hurt because I love him so much. I then went on his facebook again (I know psycho! Im driving myself mad but I cant help it!) His friend had messaged him saying come to mines theres a girl here for you if you want! He wrote back saying no thanks my heads all over the place and im not up for that just now. Which I was happy to see but I messaged him about it telling him what I thought of his friend for even suggesting that right now! Turned into another argument and him telling me I need to get a grip. I feel like I do need to get a grip right now but Ive never been in a situation where he has acted this way like he doesnt give a crap about me. Im so upset every day Ive lost over a stone in weight within these 3 weeks I cant sleep, my stomach is constantly turning .. and all at the same time I need to act strong for my kids. Its tearing me apart and I just feel so ill and drained with it all. Its not getting any better. Ive asked him to change his password again as he changed it back after all the carryon (his own decision) but hes ignored me and not done it. It will kill me if he does but I feel like its the only way I will stop driving myself insane. I check it about 20 times a day right now its not healthy or normal! I checked laST night and he was out drunk with his friends.. was hoping for a fonecall or txt maybe just to know he cares event ho i think i would tell him where to go out of anger again! I just dont know what to do. I dont have a clue what hes thinking or feeling. I have given him every opportunity to speak to me and see the kids and he hasnt took them so I feel like i have no choice but to just cut contact for now and leave it up to him. Im just terrified of what could happen if we leave it so long and get so unclose - also while he has friends like that suggesting that he does things with other girls already. But what can I do :( Sorry such a long story but plz help.
You can't tell him to LEAVE every time as if you're landlady to his mere tenant. You treat him like that enough times and pretty soon he'll start to behave like one. What happened to Time Out in separate rooms?
Also, if you're going to (analogy) chuck a guest out of your party then the responsibility lies with you, the ouster, to call that guest back. The exception to that being if the guest has behaved so badly they've left you no choice (whereas, these sound like normal spats).
You obviously lack self-regulation skills. And he's obviously too passive and eager to please. Or has been up until now. Yes, everyone has a limit. Even him (coo!).
This time was different. Because he stayed away for long enough that it constituted an actual separation. Is that because this time he'd failed to be the olive-branch profferer? And is that itself because he'd received a confidence and ego boost from having had the chance to flirt - or be flirted WITH - and thereby finally find the strength to appreciate how unfair it was that he'd got stuck being the one to always contact and apologise?
"I sent him another message that night and he was telling me to get a grip he hadnt done anything wrong."
Hmm. No, he had. You'd taken what had amassed over time into a chunk out of his ego and so he'd (finally) reacted by turning around and taking a chunk to fill it with from someone else - this female colleague. What he's actually saying, without being able to articulate it, is he admits this is all he's doing, not trying to cheat.
You shouldn't have told her to back off because he and what he was doing is your problem, not her. OBVIOUSLY she has an agenda. But  that doesn't mean he does or that his matches hers, and  she wasn't the one who made marriage vows towards you. She owes you nothing, let alone loyalty. Furthermore, the fact she's a work colleague does indeed call for greater caution and delicacy. So come off it - in that same circumstance you yourself would have blocked his access/changed your password, you know you would. You'd have been mortified. So that wasn't the way to deal with it, was it. I can see you know that too - from the way you've typed your whole post.
(You *are* apt to be impulsive and over-reactive, aren't you. Has anyone else ever told you that or am I the first?)
"He was saying sorry and that I need to get a grip and he can speak to whoever he wants"
He's not concerned with whether she's overstepping the mark or sat on her head with a cucumber up her jacksie. His point in making that statement was merely to try to recoup some face so that she doesn't start going around gossiping to everyone at work about how this new guy is hen-pecked blah-blah. That would be his worry, anyway. It would destroy any chance of his getting any respect at work. And the reason why this was his number one concern at that point is because his pride was already, if belatedly, on the floor.
You can tell from the things he typed to her that he KNOWS what she's up to and doesn't care about that part. He's JUST USING HER as an ego plumper and to give himself greater confidence to stand up for himself against you. And also, she needed keeping sweet (duped) in case of said risk of office gossiping.
If she got enough 'fill' at work then she wouldn't be needing to try to ingratiate herself out of work hours via Love-Me-Book. THINK ABOUT IT. This was her very first (what SHE thought was) chance, hence trying to make the most of it. Obviously, in situation normal, she can't get his attention.
I know why you're impulsive and over-reactive. You panic too much. WHY do you? Don't you think YOU'RE hot enough that some or other bloke might try to take advantage of a post-spat state of mind to get his wicked way with you?
Well, anyway, it explains why you have this silly kind of Master-Servant set-up going on. You're trying to cling on too tightly and have your eye on all the balls all at once via these, what are PREVENTATIVE/PREEMPTIVE measures.
Ever heard the fable about the Sun and the Wind? Or, do you know what happens if you grip a car steering wheel too tightly as well as have your eye too firmly on the very oncoming traffic you so fear colliding with? It's called a negative self-fulfilling prophesy.
"So out of anger I called the police and have them his aunts address, which resulted in him being arrested that night and going to court the next day which made him miss work."
You did WHAT?!*!? MADE HIM LOSE HIS NEW JOB??????? And then you have the gall to wonder why someone with his lack of maturity of backburner is too depressed to be capable of hiding it from his kids were he in front of them? He's twenty-six, not FORTY-six!
What about your poor kids? Have you two Drama Queens even stopped to think what effect all of this unnecessary and highly childish nonsense is having on THEM? Permanently?! I ought to bang your two heads together - HARD!!!
Need to act strong for your kids? What - now when it's too late? I feel this, he feels that, I'm wretched, he's depressed, me-me-me, he-he-he.... WHO'S WORRYING ABOUT YOUR KIDS?
Grow up, the pair of you! Go and get couples counselling AND individual counselling (find a counsellor who'll do both 'simultaneously'). Do it for those poor little mites! URGENTLY - BEFORE YOU RUIN THEM!!! Tell your husband I told you to tell him this, for you two to be big enough to put your argument aside for THEIR sakes!
And if you can't do that, the pair of you, then I suggest it be YOUR KIDS you send to this aunt's house. Or if he won't listen to reason on that score then, yes, leave him be to calm down and 'come round', but NO, DO *NOT* block contact or you're just perpetuating the whole stupid battle.
Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but it's as much as I can bring myself to say because, having got to that last part especially, I am absolutely disgusted with the pair of you. You cannot behave like that when you have little kids. YOU JUST CAN'T.
And I'm thinking you and he more than anyone should know that!
Well until the least part about the kids you may have been right. But its not my fault that he has walked away from them yet again... no matter what happens he should be seeing them. I told him to pick them up from my mums or I would drop them off to a family member so that we didnt have to see or speak but no he couldnt be bothered... but can be out drinking with his mates and playing computer games all day.I have my kids every day of my life, look after them keep then clean tidy and well dressed. They are perfectly happy. so your talking absolute rubbish there. And i have been speaking to a counsellor online and on the telephone who told me that he has issues with facing up to things.. for example - no he didnt get sacked he just didnt want to face up to going back after having a day off and not being able to phone in so he decided to just not go back. But blamed me? No thats his fault not mines. He cant face up to speaking to me when we fall out. He cant face up to taking responsibility for his kids either. Hes a lazy selfish person who doesnt deserve our time. Thanks for that long silly comment you just posted its made me think what the fuck! no your wrong ;)i didnt understand half of it it was that much of a rabble. But one thing I will say again.. my kids mean everything to me and just because their father is a prick doesnt make me a bad mother. I do everything and anything for them while he locks hiself in his aunts bedroom playing computer games every second of his life.. then out drinking when he can be bothered. pathetic excuse for a dad. And loads of couples with kids have problems doesnt mean the kids should be sent to their aunts - you absolute tool! Nothing would stop me seeing my kids and the same should go for him. You have read one situation and think you can comment correctly when it comes to me being a mother. Your totally wrong. My kids dont know the ins and outs and i make sure they are not hurt or affected by it.
If he had been spending all day long playing computer games then why didn't you say so before just now? And if you calling the Police as made him absent for work when he'd only been there 'five minutes' *wasn't* what made him lose his job then you didn't explain that part very well, did you. I read what YOU supplied.
That aside, I don't think anyone reading my response would say I was painting HIM out to be a saint. Far from it! I mean - if you want proof then bring him on, it'll be my pleasure! But what I *am* saying is if you knew what he was like then why do everything in your power to make him 10 times worse and then, only now when it's too late, be turning around and complaining about the results? That's what thinking through your actions to the consequences is for. Which you admit you didn't do. So the fact is, you calling the Police is what LED to his choice not to go in to work the next day and you need to face up to that fact.
He can be out drinking with his mates and playing PC games  because he's only 26 - which in real terms, given that women mature far faster, means far less mature than you (probably more like eighteen!) and  because to a BOY those things are FUN and cheer you up when you've just lost your job whereas little trusting faces looking up at you makes you feel like the cad you've been behaving like, and  it's called, using the kids as a pawn when you're out of all other ammo and need revenge.
So, yes - stop the press! - he's a twat. But I'm talking about YOU, YOUR part in all this. Who's going to be the grown-up around here?
And now back to your kids, aka the little "monkey-see, monkey (as an adult) do" vibe-spongers. Nobody SAID you're a bad mother and nobody implied you're "a" bad mother, but what you ARE doing - BOTH of you - is failing to consider them properly right now and instead are completely fixated on each other and this stupid battle. Don't delude yourself that they're completely untouched by all of this because that's psychologically impossible. For starters, you said yourself that you're a wreck. You really, truly think they can't sense a worrying atmosphere at least or haven't noticed one of their sun, moon and stars-on-legs isn't around? If that's what you think then you haven't a clue how kids tick. So maybe you should have spent some of the time you took with the counsellor focusing and asking about THEM? Because, yeah, loads of couples with kids have problems and loads of those couples *don't* remove them from the situation and atmosphere for their own good. Why - how did you THINK your husband ended up the way he is, then?
Yes, you did understand half of it. You just didn't like it.
What about the situation you helped rev to what it is today - do you like THAT? No, you don't. So get real and STAY real. Starting NOW...
You married a child. And that - whaddacoincidence! - is why he's behaving like one right now. So IF he's a crap husband and father but your kids are NOT crap kids then know which side your bread is buttered on and just FORGET about him and what he's doing/not doing instead of chasing after his ankles. He doesn't deserve us is as He doesn't deserve us *does*.
Yes, I am a tool. And an especially wise, knowing and useful one. Use it or lose it!
Oh, and by the way, forgot to add: No, he doesn't just NOT CARE. Nobody just genuinely switches off after 8 whole years, particularly not when you were each others' "firsts". He's just shocked and angry from that massive betrayal you dealt in shopping him to the Police. In the meantime, he could be offered a whole harem of women, but he probably wouldn't even be able to bring himself to play Tiddlywinks with them, let alone anything else. So just leave him be, get on with concentrating on you and the kids and once he's calmed down and is ready, he'll then be the one to contact you, sure as eggs is eggs (- thousands of all-too-similar situations before yours say so).
But you'll have a darn sight better chance at getting hard promises out of him to never again abandon and neglect his kids and responsibilities like he's been doing, and to all-round step up to the manly plate, if you haven't been the one to chase him down in the run-up. I mean, it's good you did SOME chasing this time but you went overboard, meaning, all that confronting and going ape-sh*t on your part has made him TOO confident about you, too sure that his place will get kept warm. Go completely quiet and still and make the ugger start to wonder why and worry.