Facebook Banner 001

Not sure what to do

Posted by
RIFT
on Jul 16 2015 at 06:40
Member since: 16 July 2015
Relationship advice I have been married to my wife for 18 years and have 3 kids. When we got married we moved away from our home town because there was no work, but planned on moving back if things got better. The place we moved to, we stayed there for ten years and my wife had a job that she liked and i had a job that paid great but was away from home for periods of time, but we made it work. My father passed away so my wife and I talked about moving back home to help my mom and her parents out. We sold our house and moved back. We bought a house and some land when we got back there. Then I found a job right away but my wife didn't. She did find something after a year of looking, but now she was disappointed about moving back home and wish we would of stayed back where we were. We were suppose to fix the house up and sell it and then build a new home on our land. We did fix it but we never sold it. After working 6 yrs at my job I was let go. I asked my wife if she wanted to move because I couldn't find a good paying job that would pay the bills. She said no it was to late for that because or kids were happy where they were, and she had her job and didn't want to make another mistake. I decided to get a job in the Province that we lived in for 10 years and fly back and forth, doing 4 weeks out and 2 weeks at home. My wife was supportive in this but after a year of doing this she said she didn't love me like she did before. We talked it over and for the next 2 years things were go alright. My last time I went home for 2 weeks she says that she felt the same way and didn't know if she wanted to do this anymore. I'm not sure what to do anymore. We keep butting heads about the same things. The first thing is me being gone, second thing is our house and our land, third thing is the work and where i can get work to pay our bills. I have come up with selling everything and moving but she says she doesn't think that will work. I said we could sell the house and the land and buy another house but the work is still not there for me. She wants me to figure it out but not to sure how. and now she is showing less emotion for me.
Not sure what to do
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jul 16 2015 at 20:29
Member since: 19 August 2014
Think of bonding to full capacity as a three-legged-race along a certain length of track. Detaching is where you go backwards, in reverse.

Unfortunately, four weeks' separation at a time peppered with only two together means, not only did you get to spend only a third of your total time together but, four whole weeks is just enough for detachment and grieving to have begun to set in. And that itself means that in order to *reverse* the lost ground each time would require four weeks together, whereas you two had only two. And repeat. AND ADAPT, meaning desensitising, whereby the grieving sensation no longer (for self-protective purposes) registers on the conscious level. That means she would have been steadily, bit-by-bit detaching, even without realising, with insufficient reparation/re-attachment taking place.

In short: two steps forward, four back; two steps forward, four back...

Plus, added to that will have been the fact that a month entirely alone own each time would have necessitated her building a life of her own and basically adapting to being mostly single and living the single life. From there to completely and genuinely single is no great leap, especially when you also factor in how she'll have kept hankering after that job she loved and lost. She probably felt underlying-ly resentful, again without even realising (because it wasn't your fault as such).

And that is why the grand sum total is- not 'NO', but 'DON'T KNOW'. The butting heads is just a symptom.

You're going to have to either change your job back to something more local OR, whenever you're back for those 4 weeks, woo her like a man possessed, like you did back when still daters. Because that, actually, is where this overall reversal will have taken you: back towards starting line territory.

(Is this making sense?)

Until you re-woo her into a team frame of mind, no, she's NOT inclined to agree or seeing that any proposed measure will work.

Surely selling the land is INDEED the solution, whereby it would buy you time to full-time job-hunt? I mean, the rule with anything where concerns de-cluttering or clearing the decks is that if you haven't had a need for something for 6 months or a year at the most - you clearly don't have a need for it so, out it goes.

Also, although it may not be your ideal or dream job, I'd have thought the urgency of this situation warranted you just taking ANY position you could get your hands on, and to view it as a stop-gap?

But as I say - stop expecting her to feel 'in the mood' when she's had more abandonment than wooing. That's the POINT of wooing (think lion that fails to go through the entire neck-nibbling, etc., ritual before trying to clamber onto the female ... we're not actually that different, ritual and triggering wise). Just get wooing asap, behaving how you used to before you managed to bag her, and be ready to put Plan Sell Land into operation once she starts purring again.

Plan?

Not sure what to do
Reply from
RIFT
on Jul 17 2015 at 07:59
Member since: 16 July 2015
I understand what you're saying and have thought of selling the land and finding work back home, but wasn't sure if that was the right financial thing to do. I have to agree with you tho, that it is time to sell the land and that is why I put it up for sale today. I also decided to try and find a job back home. I know that I can find something back there, but will it pay enough, to pay the bills? That's what scares me! I am willing to go back and try to start wooing my wife. Like we first did when we started dating. I know it is going to take a bit of time to get that flame back, but that's okay. All I got is time. I'm just hoping that me not making enough money doesn't bring more stress and new problems than what is going on right now! I guess all I can do is go back and try!
Not sure what to do
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jul 17 2015 at 13:33
Member since: 19 August 2014
Today? There ya go, then - great minds think alike! :-)

You're doing the right thing because, let's face it, being wealthy doesn't make you happy, it just makes being miserable that bit more comfortable. The primary source of happiness is - well whaddayaknow! - your primary, adult human relationship.

Here's another myth exposure: it's impossible to feel wealthy because your needs (or should that be 'greed') always expand to suit your means, meaning, it becomes like chasing your tail. And from what I've gathered over the years, what with us beans having a finite amount of energy and attention (think spinning plates) - if you're rich in the wallet you're automatically poor in the boudoir. We literally CAN'T have it all (plus, having it all just means DOING it all.) But obviously it's in all government's interests that we try (and s*d whether we run ourselves and our relationships ragged in the process) because the richer you are, the more TAXES you pay. Also, the less sense of community there is (deriving from strong families out of really strong and solid 'mum and dad' relationships) then the more pliable the cash cows that comprise it. And now remember how it's consistently said that the poor tend to be far more generous and charitable than the rich? That's because they know that material wealth beyond a level of mere sufficiency is, well, IMMATERIAL.

So I'd have thought the intelligent thing to do would be to pare down any unnecessary expenses and possessions so that even a fairly menial job could meet what actual fundamentals remain. For starters, you'll have more energy for LUUURVE - to the point where your relationship itself becomes a source of high entertainment and fulfilment, in which case, no it needn't take that much time. But don't wait until the practical paring down's been achieved before you start wooing. Start now. Comments like, 'You look so pretty today, sweetheart'..., putting the hoover and duster around the sitting-room 'just because you noticed it needed it' (which weight-taking is especially important if she's going to be the main earner for a little while), surprise bunches of flowers and choccies - which you can keep up perfectly easily whilst you're still working your notice - along with surprise sweet and sexy texts/emails/phonecalls, that sort of thing (albeit that when you're home, hand-picked bunches make a lady swoon that much more).

But here's the important bit: don't act like you're stood there waiting for a reaction as a pat on the head, like you're doing it for YOU, do it almost like it's second nature, the only natural thing, making out that this decision to sell the land has taken a huge weight off your back and thereby given you the time and head space to feel what was always there, just waiting underneath to burst forth, i.e. you just can't help yourself (she's just too damned gorgeous). Furthermore, act like any initial rejections or shows of discomfort of hers aren't enough to faze you. Think, "URRRRR!" and "Ahhh" mixed together - a VERY powerfully attractive masculine mixture.

But, yep - you've just got to experiment until you find the perfect all-round recipe for success (caveman definition).

Probably didn't even need me to tell you any of that. You sound like you've got your head screwed on exactly right.

Keep us posted?

This thread has expired, but why not create your own?