She's seeing other
Hi, I am a girl secretly in a realrionship with a girl for years. We are young adults who have the same job and live at same apartment
My problem started when she met this old adult lesbian with alias of C.O. in an online game. They chat and text. We personaly met her because she offered a dog to my girl. After that they continued texting and chatting.I trust her so I didn't bother.
I actually chat C.O. what is her intention to my girl and she said for friendship but my girl said C.O. likes her. Note C.O. don't know we are in relationship to make it clear. My girl clarifies to me that she don't want to have relationship with C.O. that they are only friends.
C.O. invited is to go out, At firt I don't like and don't trust the person. Later, I said ok because at that time I am having trouble with my job and my girl is pleading to me to say yes. We go out once more sometimes just the two of them.
Now I got jealous for my girl text,chat and more time for C.O. to the point that I am opening up my problem to her about my work then she will suddenly talk about C.O. then I realized she is not even listening.
My heart break. I always cried when she's off to work. Even more when she is asking permission to go out to see C.O. I became angry at her because I am jealous. She keep on telling to me that there's nothing going on between C.O. and her. I became more mad because she says I have nothing to be jealous. I confronted her. I said " what I should not be jealous even if your seeing her and texting her I love u... i miss you. Damn I felt stupid". Every time i confronted her she will only get mad at me and looks like clueless why i am mad then she will point back all to me that I am just thinking negative things.
I keep on crying to her. She will also cry and i can't bare to see her cry so i tried to be positive and make our relationship better and tried to keep my job that i hate for her. Then one day, i was waiting for her to come home, she texted me that she will just buy food on the way to the appartment but hours have past she is still out. I started to worried, what if something happened. I kept on texting her and calling but she didn't respond. Later she texted back C.O. fetch her and they just bought food. Then i got mad. I texted her not to go home and stay with C.O. and go flirt with that.
Hours past she still not at home my heart was wrecked. I am in vain, I felt like everything is falling apart. I loss a client which means no salary, then my girl is seeing someone. And she arrived, I am crying she is comforting me but less effort and no feels like no concern to me. She apologized but in a mad tone like she was forced to spit yhe word sorry. I snob her then she snob me like nothing happened. Then i got mad and throw pillow to the floor. I said hug and sincere apology was all I wanted. Then she start to listen and say sorry and hug me. She promosed that she will not chat CO often.
Till now they been seeing and chating each other. I am tired, felt been dumped and hopeless. Feels like i am losing my job, no money, and my relationship is in the dark. C.O. is financially stable a successful person and I am just a nobody. I still love her and i can't leave her. She sad to me she doesn't want to lose me, maybe she just heading the wrong way sometimes. Yup it happened before some old adult lesbian liked her but not as intense like C.O. and that other old adult was now with her girlfriend.
I want to fight for our love, to hold on I will do my best to win her heart again and to love her even more. I just don't now how because C.O. is way to good than me. I can still feel that she love me but not the way before. Could someone help me to be the person she will grow old with. I actually thinking of quitting my job that i hated but i don't know what i will do in the course I've taken where the need suddenly dropped off. Finding no job vacancy on my field and did i say i hated my proffesion. I am at lost i need help...
"I actually chat C.O. what is her intention to my girl and she said for friendship but my girl said C.O. likes her. Note C.O. don't know we are in relationship to make it clear."
Well, if she didn't prior to that incident, she does now. Think about it.
Her mouth may say there's nothing more to it than platonic friendship but what are her ACTIONS saying? Mouths can lie, actions (particularly long-effecting or sustained ones) can't.
But why do you have to sit there all passive and taking it, like some victim, when you know this is direct competition to your, what is supposed to be MONOGOMOUS relationship? The relationship contract is ONE lover - each other - and no-one else. It's the top criterium. So you have a RIGHT to be jealous in this case, AND with logical, rational basis, making it the healthy kind, a perfectly healthy reaction in accordance with your base programming. You're not THINKING negative things, you're observing them (happening right under your nose) and reacting to them like any sane person would.
If attempts to discuss result in nothing more than her making you doubt your understanding of reality and confidence in your convictions (which is called *Gaslighting, btw), can you not give her an ultimatum (a genuine one you're prepared to follow through with, I mean) - it's her or me?
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
So that makes her unfaithful AND abusive, doesn't it. So getting rid if she really won't shape up in response to said ultimatum would give you one less thing to have to worry about. Or maybe NOTHING to worry about because - I'm not SURPRISED your job performance has been suffering with all of this going on for so long!
"I don't want to lose you" is as "I don't want to lose you" *DOES*.
You've DONE enough fighting. Now make her do HER share, put her money where her mouth is instead of just manipulating you into shutting up for another five minutes just so's she can merrily carry on having her cake and eating it.
Oh, and it's not about "good" or "better". If the pairing is right then that's because the chemistry is right (a drug worth fighting for and justifying merely with excuses over whatever is tangible and articulable). If that woman thinks that financial status trumps a connection in the heart then that woman has got VERY skewed priorities and cannot be deemed healthy.
But she won't respect you again until you show you demand it. And you won't demand it until you see it as your RIGHT.... You... Butt-naked with zero possessions or props!
By the way, talking of butt-naked: this isn't your gf's sneaky little way of forcing you out of the closet specifically so that yours and her relationship can finally run around with abandon, shouting and laughing and breathing fresh air, is it?
Thank you for your time and advice, but should I tell C.O that we are. Should I insist my point to her. I just don't know how to deal with it. I always ending up giving way to her.
You could tell her if you wanted, but I think it's up to your gf to be the one to tell her. In that respect, she'd automatically be telling her to back off in the romantic sense whilst leaving the way still open for the purely platonic,...assuming C.O. wouldn't all of a sudden mysteriously lose interest altogether?...which she might... which might be precisely WHY your gf isn't saying anything (because she's trying to 'con' the woman into being a surrogate mum or big sister using a trade-off that only *appears* to exist?). I mean, I know she knows you and she are supposed to be a secret but... all such bets tend to be OFF when it's a case of needs must... unless, of course, you swear that person to secrecy so firmly as to make even that one exception feel like a closed option?
Why don't you ask gf to tell her, and add that this incident has served to show you how there are just as many serious downsides/losses to trying to keep ones relationship secret as there are gains, meaning, you're ready to come out now... using baby steps... with telling this C.O. being the first such step? See what her reaction is?
I was thinking the same thing to let my gf say it to C.O. of what we are. She even said to C.O. that friendship is the only thing she can give. My gf always said C.O. is like her mother and she likes her. Mostly she felt pitty for C.O. because she is old and have no special person to look after her. In fact C.O. is a one of the few nice people we met in the city since we started working here.
We actually did not talk or decide to hide our relationship. It was just whenever someone asked if we are I would say no or make a joke out of it to protect her. In our place and for both sidea of our families what we have is unacceptable.
In some instances when we fought she asked what is she to me and what are we then afterwards she wants us to get married. She is quite ironic sometimes and confused. For now she wants this then after months she changes her mind. In the end she understand why we are not opening up our relationship.
We are good at this point she started caring for me. I still got jealous but no pain. I hope that the reason for not getting hurt is trust and love for her not my heart becoming stone.
It so nice having someone to share mt thoughts thank you again. I felt a relief. Thank you once more.
There are more ways than one or the direct when it comes to (this case - MIS-) signalling to your gf, via what you say to other people in front of her, that you wish to keep your relationship a secret. She's obviously taken it the wrong way.
I expect your families would find it even more unacceptable were they told that if you dumped your girlfriend for their sakes alone, you'd expect THEM to take her place 365 days per year including nights and associative conjugals! It's your life and you can choose to live it how you damn well please if it neither directly nor inadvertently causes any harm to others (which this doesn't/can't). That's one of the perks of being an ADULT already thousands of miles clear of the nest.
Adult is as adult *does*. And if this adjustment results (which it should) in you and your gf's bond growing super-solid, then you won't care WHO knows your persuasion or what they might choose to do about in terms of how they react. Because you'll have each other. Always.
However, it now sounds like this C.O. is *not* interested romantically/sexually in your gf and that the two of them have simply allowed this RUSE of there being possibly anything more than platonic in it to remain, because it's easier and less self-needy-painting than 'I need a mum, whaah! / I need a daughter, whaah!'. So it looks more like a case of do-it-yourself, quasi adoption to me. In which case: "It so nice having someone to share mt thoughts": Yup, you said it! Same goes for gf.
Obviously the optimum is you and she being always able to talk things over with each other exclusively. But you're not there yet, you have a ways to go still on that score.
That needing a mum/daughter is fair enough if, I take it, you yourself wouldn't want to have to foolishly muddy your dynamic by playing mother to your girlfriend's inner daughter? Saying that, however, this relationship categorising/clarifying to the innocent first needs proving as authentic through your gf (or preferably you and she together) sitting C.O. down and informing her of how the land lies (and selling it like you're confiding in her because she's proven herself worthy of being invited into that inner sanctum - lucky, privileged her). Plus, you can always swear C.O. to secrecy if you'd rather take your own sweet time, the pair of you, to 'come out' more fully.
One tip: don't make a meal of it. You never know what C.O. might do were one of you and she were to fall out in future. So don't say, 'You MUSTN'T tell a soul, promise you won't!' or anything that intense. Just say it as nonchalantly yet still as firmly as you can, like, 'We haven't told certain people in our inner circle yet, what we're about to now tell you, and would prefer the right to do so to stay firmly ours, if you wouldn't mind keeping it between us and the gatepost until we inform you otherwise?'.
Take this route and you're removing all legs to stand on, all eventualities covered.
It'll also remove your girlfriend's chopping and changing (which is obviously in-the-moment or delayed-reaction responsive to you and what you say/fail to say and do).
Best of luck, you know what you're doing now.
(PS: you're very welcome. :-))
PPS: Sorry - forgot to add: together but with your gf the main or equal spokeswoman so that she can neither appear to be nor later claim to have acted only under duress.
Well i do feel something wrong with my gf lately, confrontation and arguements went on repeatedly. Then she suddenly said we are just friend. What? Friend? I actually remember she asked me to marry her in country where same sex marriage is legal.She followed up saying C.O. is just also a friend.i thought she just want to do what is religiously right.
Last night i took the courage to open her fb account and i have read " i love you...i love you"her message to C.O.I bursted emotion of sadness and anger. I chatted C.O. using her account indirectly telling that this girl and i are more than friends. My words were " so that is why i am only a friend to you now. I wasted my love on you and you thrown me like a garbage" ( i know it's rude to open her fb account ) I don't know if C.O. get it or not or do not care about it.
She made me look uneducated and a very low person to C.O. C.O. even said don't go down to her level. They even planning to secret their relationship. C.O. is telling her to lie to me. MY gf i mean the girl even said that i am getting sympathy because i told her i have fever. Well that's my bad even before whenever i got sick she never cares she even yelled at me. Her mother was the one who convince her what i have was really painful. Wow I was the one that got hurt but I am still the bad person. I was the one being fooled but i am the one who need to say sorry.
The next day she didn't talk to me even i am crying. She is chatting with her friend and having small laugh. She even put on some bleaching cream then went to bed and sleep because she is from night duty. Wow she didn't even bother to ask me or to talk with me. She just talked because I asked her i want the three of us to talk and end this thing in a nice way. I only wish to have clousure so i can move on. At first it's ok for her but she asked what will i to tell to C.O. i said i will tell that where more than friends and i promise i will not say any insulting word to C.O. She said if i will tell that I'll be ruining her. All this time all she care is about her self. Yeah she appologies saying this is her fault. She is also having a hard time because she have fallen inlove to a person that she shouldn't.
The pain i endure now is crushing me to death. She appologized i forgiven her accepting that were friends. But i have read their conversation C.O. said "just say what she wants to hear. If she is your friend and she really loves you she will understand and you wont need to explain. Don't plead to her or promise anything" the girl said "even she said that she have fever to get sympathy it wont work to me" the girl added " she wont talk i will not talk too"
I don't know if she is sincere on apologizing earlier or is it an act. That moment i realized i don't know this person. So around 5 pm i wake her up i said i will leave, i will stay at the province to my hometown. She said why is this because of me, why you dont want to work and go to duty. I didn't talk much i just said i can't do it anymore.
Now i will be unemploy and shatter. I don't know what to tell to my sister who financially supported my study. All the hardship my family have done to gave me a degree went to nothing.
Hope someone could comfort me. I did anything for her, I gave up my a job that i successfully passed because she wasn't taken, a job near with my parents. I included her in my plans. I know she hates our present job so I asked persons who could help us work abroad and found one. Next year we will apply for it. All my plans and dreams vanished.
I am so emotional that i forgot to state that she admits C.O and she are in relationship.
"Then she suddenly said we are just friend. What? Friend? I actually remember she asked me to marry her in country where same sex marriage is legal.She followed up saying C.O. is just also a friend"
Your gf is deliberately moving the goalposts, re-writing the historical facts to suit her own convenience. Again, this is a gaslighting tactic to justify the fact that she's making herself suddenly a free agent, available to start a relationship with C.O., having 'lilypad leapt' from the safety of you to the safety of C.O. without having had to endure a period of singledom. In her mind, she obviously had finished with you long before now.
But what do you mean 'what?' and bothering to counter this untrue statement with citation of her past actions? You don't NEED to justify your disagreement with this falsely re-written history - YOU WERE THERE!
The only befitting retort to such a relationship-sacrilegious statement is this one: "I didn't 'advertise' for a friend, that is not the 'advertisement' you responded to; I have enough friends already, so if that's true - you are now an EX-friend! And with friends like you, who needs enemies!". And good riddance, by the sounds of it! I mean, if all you got whenever you were unwell was yelled at then 'relationship' was simply a mis-labelling.
Wow. You've really seen her true colours lately, haven't you. Still, count your blessings: imagine if you HAD married her and this happened, think about how much more shattering it would have been.
Now to your future: You're going to have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off; you have no other choice. If you managed through someone else you know to find work abroad to apply for then why can't you go ahead with the application regardless? For all you know, this is destiny and would be the making of you.