Dishonesty & trust affects on marital intimacy
My husband & I have been married 19yrs. For our entire marriage My husband has chronically lied to me, sneaks & does stuff behind my back and hides drinking alcohol that he hides in his company work truck cooler. He also accuses me of all those behaviors only on the fact that he does that stuff so I must to. 1 year after marrying I gave birth to our daughter, my 3rd child. I had numerous health issues after giving birth which led to me going into heart failure. Dr's found i had a very significant congenital heart defect. My body some how miraculously compensated for the defect (a very large hole sitting between the 4 chambers of my heart) at the same time I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. So I have had serious chronic health issues which has greatly affected the physical intimacy in our marriage. Combine all that with Dishonesty, hiding things, complete lack of trust and hiding alcohol issues; I ask for thoughts on how those things affect both physical and emotional intimacy. I would like honest feedback on how complete lack of trust affects the emotional and physical intimacy in a relationship.
I think "how the complete lack of trust affects the emotional and physical intimacy in a relationship."
for someone that cares, it could ruin it. Just in my opinion. Addressing the issue. Is usually not 100% one or the other person. It is shared. But being a man myself. I think he may just be in fear.
Fear of emotionally being loved. Or cared about. Insecure? It's not that uncommon. All BS aside. No fronting. Etc. If bringing up emotional and or intimate feelings make him uneasy. Try just taking charge. If you can. Something to help His struggle. I know you are having yours. Being a couple married. That long. Something needs to break. For a change. In a person sometimes that's enough. I know the cliché "men need their space", if he's taking to Much space, maybe try and be In his space with him. Just for a while. See what opens him up. If he's drinking. Let him (but with you). I've had/have a similar situation. That is how I can (?) Possibly relate as much as a man can anyways. Try not to let him get lost. I know it's hard. And it's not your "job" or fault. But maybe there's something underlying that is just hard for Him to see. Maybe he feels guilty (not that unusual when someone close to you has/had pain during the relationship). I don't know for sure. But feelings are a deep subject. And maybe he has been or still is Very stressed. Maybe he doesn't know what to expect. Etc from being "to honest"..
Hard for me to say what is driving him away. Or to. But talking would be the best thing.. it's just getting both of you to be on the same page... an activity or any sort together can help.. that's a long time being married. It may be just that he's feeling older. And afraidon't of losing you. Or his own self with you.
anyways. Hope something gives you a break. And hope this helps. All the best.
Btw- been married for 18 ,almost 19 years too
If for your entire marriage ("for better or for worse, forsaking all others") this man has been consistently behaving in that many anti-marital ways and tries to justify it with a ridiculously unfounded, so-called suspicion that you - IN YOUR CONDITION - must be as bad as him, then I fail to see why over the years you've never kicked him to the kerb.
Has it ever crossed your mind that your health problems could have been either caused or exacerbated by this loveless existence?
You cannot HAVE intimacy without trust. It'd be like someone asking you to parachute-jump without a parachute. Unless you're insane, you ain't going to dare because the risk is just too great.
Why have you for so long been putting up with this? And why only NOW are you seeking help? Has your recent slow-but-definite near-death experience shown you that you finally want to live (in all senses of the word)?