Marriage and head in bits
So me and my husband have been separated for a couple of months, lots of problems had led to the separation, we had talked it through and had recently been getting on great. We had agreed to see how things went and go from there, which I was more than happy with, hoping eventually we could work it out. I still love him with all my heart and he has told me he does too, we have talked everyday for weeks now and I finally felt like we might be on track. However this morning he has decided it's all too much for him and he needs space, by which he has pretty much erased me from his life. I understand the need for some time and space but I'm deeply hurt by the way he chose to do it this morning. We haven't fallen out and he says he still loves me but it seems to be his way of dealing with it is the only way regardless of how I am coping. I hate the thought of not being able to contact him, which I won't do while he has asked for space, I feel lost and lonely knowing he isn't on the other end of the phone anymore. More than anything I'm heartbroken that after so many weeks of trying we are back to square one! I know I need to give it space and hope that eventually we can work it out, but I'm scared this is it and that he won't want me back in the end. Friends and family know but aren't always the best for advice and support, I don't want to here them say you will be fine or his loss or anything like that. I just want to be able to talk about it and have someone there to listen. I love him and miss him and some won't understand that but it's just how I feel. I guess I'm just looking for somewhere I can get stuff off my chest and hopefully find people who understand or have experience and won't judge me as being irrational because I'm heartbroken.
So these problems required only talking, not any actions or adjustments to behaviour being taken?
Talked every day for weeks? Yeesh! If you hadn't peppered that with fun, to keep things balanced, you can understand why he might have flooded, right? Particularly if normally he's a bit of an emotional lightweight (is he?).
So... yesterday morning: was this announcement a bolt from the Blue or had you noticed him gearing up to it?
Why zero contact? Is he up to no good and doesn't want interruptions or you knowing how to track him down? Do you think he's gone one step further than trying to get respite from the non-stop homework and started or re-started an affair? Or do you think he's just trying to avoid any more "heavy talks"?
I agree that making himself completely incommunicado is not behaviour befitting a TEAM MEMBER ("To have and to hold from this day forward"). It's the attitude and behaviour of a solo player. And, as I say, the sort of behaviour characteristic of a man who's trying to have peace and quiet in which to concentrate on a mistress without the wife having any inkling.
Do you not have his work address and number whereat you could ultimatum him over his either keeping the lines of communication open (on the promise not to talk about anything to do with your problems for a set number of weeks) or, if he WANTS to behave like a free-agent - BECOMING a free agent. I know it's going to be hard to say that and mean it but, by this totally maritally-unacceptable behaviour, he's left you no choice.