Troubled by my girlfriend's past
Recently I became romantically involved with a girl. She confided in me that about 3 years ago she went into severe depression, to the point of cutting herself and drinking to black out levels. During several of these black outs, she slept with people in her friends/social circle. According to her, she was usually black out and too drunk to even know what was going on during these encounters. She would wake up the next morning, realizing she had slept with someone but having no idea how it happened. These things kept happening because she knew she should quit drinking and putting herself in those situations but alcohol seemed to be the only escape from her depression. She told me she gained a reputation as the girl at parties you could get drunk and try to sleep with. How do you interpret that? She says she never showed up at parties with the intention of sleeping with someone, which leads me to believe she was taken advantage of while drunk out of her mind, word got around, and other guys decided to try for it as well. Do you agree? Would you say she was being slutty or more a victim of circumstance? Also, any thoughts on why this is bothering me so much? Am I somehow judging her or blaming her without realizing it? To be clear, she is now managing her depression, no longer harming herself, and not drinking like that. But her past still bugs me
What I find most curious and noteworthy is the fact that this girl who (keeping it real) barely knows you would on the one hand agree to date you yet, on the other, prematurely divulge something not only overly personal but, more to the point, that could well put you RIGHT off her.
You're supposed to put your BEST foot forward during the chase, woo and honeymoon periods, not your worst. She knows that; she's not a retard. So why?
If someone insists on continually re-entering what has already proven to be a lion's den, they cannot be said to have been a powerless victim if on each and every subsequent occasion they - gosh, what a surprise! - got mauled all over again. Any sane and rational, *unwilling* person would have avoided that social circle altogether, like the plague, and possibly abstained for a long time from any more of those kinds of parties full-stop. So, taken advantage of, my bottom...but nice (subconscious) try when it comes to your over-generosity in attempting to 'clean her up' in your mind so that you don't have to dump her and re-commence cruising. Is this a case of (ref Taylor Swift's song) her being 'a nightmare dressed as a day-dream'?
When someone keeps doing something when they don't have to it's because they're consistently getting something out of it - fact.
Another psychological, little-known fact (but far commoner than you'd think) is that some people have no motivation more serious than gaining a thrill out of acting destructively and/or self-destructively. Sometimes it's pure acting-out of deep-seated issues but sometimes it's just because the person wants to be a 'star' but lacks any other means for feeling special, gaining people's rapt attention at such stories of seeming woe and/or constantly getting given leg-ups and other unearned special dispensation. Also, there are many more ways of 'cutting' than putting blade to skin.
Further - BEWARE: usually, people make these confessions early on in the relationship in order precisely to gauge your reaction. If your actions - this case, not dumping them - show you fail to find that kind of behavioural tendency utterly unacceptable, there is their Green light to knowing they can behave like that any time they like/should they so wish during their relationship with you. It's similar to when a commitmentphobe tells you they're "not really" looking for a relationship or are really bad at relationships. You overlook it, only to later down the line find yourself seriously let down, with them, on hearing your complaints, turning it around and claiming it was your own fault because "they did warn you but you insisted anyway".
It's bothering you so much because of what I've just spelled out in detail as matches what you wordlessly already sense.
She is still more a seething ball of issues than not, in which case not only will a relationship fail to do her any good (possibly the opposite), but - using a heavy sinus cold as analogy - you're liable to get covered in her greenies. And if that sounds unnecessarily or inappropriately repulsive to state then ask yourself how becoming bit-by-bit subliminally but insidiously infected by her state of mind would be any more wholesome.
Is it a girlfriend you want or a quasi patient to your frustrated inner therapist? I doubt it (the latter), deeper down, or else you'd just be going ahead instead of coming on here for a reality check. Again - ACTIONS!
One could try to say her making this confession should be taken as a sign that this whole run of episodes are safely in her past and just wants to make your choice to continue dating her a fully informed one but, as I say, the action of her divulging all of this, and in the manner she has, so decidedly prematurely - and giving you the unexpurgated version rather than delivering it to you more gently in dribs and drabs or in less sensationalist terms - blows both those theories out of the water. So I beg to differ with your penultimate statement, and, in fact, would surmise that the truer case is, her past is still bugging HER. LITERALLY.
Alternatively, like I implied above, she could believe it makes her appear that much more interesting or complex an individual. But then that would strongly suggest how highly immature she is (again, not grown-up relationship material).
Either move on to the next, healthier candidate or ask her if she and you can put this relationship on ice for a little while, for her own good... just to ensure she's truly out of the woods.
If you do decide to press ahead then at least do yourself the favour of making it clear just how unpalatable that kind of behaviour strikes you as, and then proceed with all caution.
You might not have had a chance to notice as yet, but on this forum we prefer not to use language like you've just posted. Your message is therefore going to have to be deleted, I'm afraid (albeit you can always re-submit a cleaned-up version). Also - bearing in mind that little children might at any time be lurking and reading this/you - if you could go one better and alter your alias to something prettier or more subtle, that would be much appreciated as well?