Married but lonely, do I deserve better?
I know that any way I say this it sounds like ll I do is feel sorry for myself. I dont mean to sound that way. I am a 49 year woman and although I realize that I am not perfect, I do think that I am a good person. I have been married for four years to a man who is bi-polar. Although I work a full time job I still do everything I am supposed to at home. I cook, clean, do the laundry, all the shopping, etc... I also do all of the mowing and home repairs that need to be done. I try to do my part. He, on the other hand, does not work. He will not touch tjw house in any way. He does not tall to me except to ask me to do something for him which is constantly, even while I am at work. I feel very overwhelmed with responsibility. In return, I get no thanks. I do get cussed out almost on a daily basis and told constantly how horrible I am. He calls me nasty names and is always putting me down. I can find nothing positive in this relationship. I have owned my home for 27 years now but he refuses to move out. I am at the end of my rope with no way out. I would just really love to have someone to talk to who says nice things and is interested in my life.
Who told you you're not allowed to feel sorry for yourself? Surely, in the absence of anyone else doing it - especially the person charged first and foremost with that job - you should?
Some people take advantage of having a disability or condition, including using it as an excuse to act helpless and not take care of their own chores and responsibilities. Or - worse in your husband's case - act like they're your teenage child.
He's obviously very unhappy and hitting out, but where, thanks to his limited environment, he has only one person to take it all out on: you. And if when this behaviour first started you didn't slam your foot down, it was bound to get worse and worse over time.
It sounds to me like he doesn't love you, either, and simply depends on you, but feels mightily resentful about it.
Is his doctor or psychiatrist aware of how utterly dysfunctional he is and how hyper-functional it's forcing you to be? Have you booked a free consultation with a solicitor to know where you'd stand financially and otherwise if you were to divorce him?
If you're British, I can tell you now: Legally, because you're married (but, I presume, don't have children), he's entitled to half the marital wealth and assets. However, I think I'm pretty safe to say that the brevity of marriage, along with his constant abusiveness, his having failed to contribute in any way practically or financially (as put you in this slave position), the fact that you owned that house long before you even met him, the fact also that he puts your job in jeopardy, would get taken very firmly into account (including, possibly, basis for an injunction). However, your burning question might well be, 'How much am I willing to spend to get rid of this person?'.
You shouldn't worry about the material things you might lose because you only get one life to live and to be happy with somebody you truly love choose love over money choose happiness and respect you only get one life you should choose to spend it with the one that you love and that will love you back
As a manic-depressive, I was married for 36 years. For half that time, I held jobs. Some were minimum wage, but I had a job. I lost about 5 of my jobs at the six month mark, probably because of my illness. After 25 years or so I got disability because of a physical ailment I have. Can he get disability? If he's never had a job in 10 or 20 years, he must have a serious problem. Does he try to get jobs? I never stopped trying to get and keep a job. Why does he say he doesn't even try to get a job? With or without a job, this is what I would do:
In the evening, while my wife cooked supper, I would be tending to our child, who was ages newborn to 7 or more much of that time. After supper, I would give the baby a bath, while she cleaned the kitchen. After being up for a little bit, I would put the child to bed. On weekends, I would do yard work, household chores, pull up the wall to wall carpet if she wanted it, put up shelves in several rooms, if she wanted it, paint a room every now and then.
Also in evening or on weekends, be with the child in the backyard playing plastic baseball, or riding bikes on a nearby street, or playing games with him in his room.
You're saying, your husband doesn't do any of this? One, does he take lithium or anything for his illness, as I do? He lithium keeps me balanced, in between mania and depression. It also reduced my anger so I'm not belittling people all the time. If your husband is calling you nasty names, or angry a lot of the time, he's not on any medicine. Why is that? Have you ever said, "Sweetheart, have you ever thought about looking for some treatment?"
So, serious, has he ever been to a doctor? Has he ever been on medication for his bi-polar, or manic depression, situation? You don't mention any of this. I think that's our first step. Second, was he raised by a mother a an older sister or two, who did all the work for him? Is that why he doesn't do anything? He doesn't take care of the kids. He watches TV while you cut the grass?
Have you ever said, "Honey, the grass needs cutting." What is his response. Could you say, "I'll cut the grass, but you have to cook supper and clean the kitchen?" If he says no, can you sit down and talk with him about that?
Were you raised in a household where you were put upon and you're used to this? I'm not saying others, including myself, have not been put upon and in situations like this, but I'm wondering about this situation.
Oh, "I have owned my home for 27 years now but he refuses to move out." Finally, a sign of life. So, you realize how difficult it may be to make him a good person, and are going straight to that. Do you know good lawyer? Do you know someone who might know a good lawyer? The first session is free, I've heard. Also, I've heard, if you own a house or a car, etc., going into a marriage, you get to keep all of that if there is a divorce. Ask the lawyer, if no job and laying around the house not doing anything for four years is grounds for a divorce?
I think we've got a spark of hope here, if you will just follow through on this, which sounds like this is what you are trying to do, not waiting for a miracle but putting existing laws into affect. In this case, he has laziness, but you have the law on your side. Use it. See a good lawyer. If you don't like the first one, see another one for a free visit. Maybe, see a woman lawyer.
He's not doing anything, but it sounds like you're not doing anything, either. Pick up the phone, baby.
On July 6, 2015 I went to the courthouse and filed for divorce. He still wont leave and things are not any better but at least I have hope that it will be over one day.
Why are you trying to get a divorce from him without the help of a lawyer? With what you stand financially to lose otherwise, I would have thought it imperative to have a lawyer who's experienced in knowing how to ensure you *don't*.
To answer Tartan's queries on your behalf: it depends on what country you live in but, yes, here in the UK many solicitors offer free consultations, and yes, your particular grounds would be Unreasonable Behaviour (and Irreconcilable Differences).
If he's truly bi-polar to the point where his condition makes him lack 'mental capacity', or could, then he might need to be appointed what's called a Litigation Friend.
Glad to see you're taking real actions to get out of this bad marriage. Do get the help of a lawyer find out all of your options. This will end.
The answer is simple. I dont have the money for a lawyer. I live paycheck to paycheck and the cheapest lawyer in my area wants. $2500 retainer fee. I just dont have it. I cannot borrow it because I can't afford the monthly note it takes to pay it back. I wish I could. I have searched and hbe been unable to find any financial help or any orgnization willing to help.
I understand your position, just really educate yourself on your courts procedures and rules. I'm pulling for you!
Also, there may be something called a free lawyer. Call a woman lawyer, and ask her secretary if there is such a thing for someone who has no money for that. Look up on the net, free lawyer, in general, for your hometown, whatever, and see what it says.
I think PJVL9 is right (nice one!), I've heard that myself. Additionally, US websites like this one might prove helpful if you haven't come across them yourself yet? http://www.worldlawdirect.com/
If uncontested, I don't see a problem with acting... What's it called? Pro Se'? My daughter did one years ago without to many complications.