Extremely ugly; What to do?
I'm a 46 year old woman and have had 4 intimate relationships, but a recent breakdown of the last one makes me wonder if it is possible that I could actually be attractive to anyone at all. I always hoped that even those of us who were on the lower end of attractiveness could find someone somewhere, and a lot of advice out there suggests that no one is really beyond hope. But I'm doubting that.
My first 3 partners were women and looking back I realize they were more attracted to ideas like settling down and having a family together; they were not really attracted to me sexually. While they experimented with sexual touch up to a point, they then got disinterested. The fourth one is a man (sort of, a gender fluid person really) who's obsessed with sex and he's the first person who wanted me just because of attraction, and he didn't have any other agenda like money. So that was nice for a while, but then he became disinterested too. What's weird is I was away for 2 weeks and he got three more partners (he's polyamorous) and even hosted a sex party, and often has sex with people he just met, and basically he will have sex with anyone on the planet EXCEPT me. He said he would have invited me to the sex party if I was not on a trip, but who hosts a sex party 2 days before their girlfriend is coming home? He still wants to call me a girlfriend though. Not sure what that even means!
I'm aware that I need to protect myself from disease so even if he did want me again, I might not be able to. But I'm sort of going along being "with" him because he's the only person who will touch and hug me at all, so in a way it is better than nothing. Everyone else seems repulsed by me. I have an okcupid profile and not one person has ever messaged me in years.
Being attractive has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with being good-looking. And every single person on this planet has a whole, giant pool of genetic compatibles. When two 'magnets' meet, it is then up to their personalities and how they operate and conduct themselves to determine whether those two people STAY attracted.
Now take Helen Mirren. Not an attractive woman on paper but a sex symbol nonetheless. CONFIDENCE... being comfortable with who you are and with being in your own skin THUS LIKING YOURSELF AND THEREBY SIGNALLING TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT THEY SHOULD LIKE YOU TOO is what attracts more than anything. However, that's about people who admire her from a distance and don't know her. When it comes to face-to-face, it's then down to compatible chemistry to attract. That's how you can fancy someone's photograph yet feel no click and no excitement once finally faced with them.
When two people have chemistry that 'clicks' and starts a fire, because they don't really understand this alchemy they put their feelings down to surface things like how the other person looks or behaves superficially, rather than admit they don't really KNOW why they find that person so alluring. By the same token, if over time they discover they can't get on with the person's personality and whole outlook on life, those once "beautiful eyes" become evil, slitty, piggy,... you name it.
Chemistry and liking/loving yourself and who you are and having been "brung up right". Those are the keys to lasting, healthy, happy relationships.
You've been hanging out at close quarters with people who are confused, unhappy, issue-ridden and thereby undoubtedly not apt to give out positive and complimentary feedback (because it would have been All About Them). Their low confidence, low self-esteems and self-dislike redirected was bound to rub off on you, especially if you've made the mistake of learning to rate yourself by how they rate you.
However, in real terms, you've experienced only ONE relationship born the natural way from chemical attraction. The rest made the conscious decision to pair up with you for whatever reasons of NEED: money, needing a safe place to hide whilst keeping up outward appearances of being genuinely paired up, sexual curiosity needing a safe place to experiment, etc.
Your so-called mate sounds like he still wants to call you his girlfriend because it helps fool you into believing he's still into you rather than into what you conveniently provide and allow outside of the romantic realm. He said, he said, he said, blah, blah, blah. Anyone can flap their lips around, it's ACTIONS that do the truthful talking and his said, 'While the cat's away the mouse will play' and 'Screw you!'.
The only disease you need to protect yourself from is HIM. Dump the dud. Don't keep putting up with his heinous attitudes, behaviour and downright shoddy treatment of you just because you think people who'd find you attractive are thin on the ground. They're not. You've got the same chances as everyone else or WILL HAVE once you remove any barriers.
The OTHER key, so that nothing can stop someone approaching out of attraction to your chemical, personality, demeanour and moral settings - your whole vibe - is you BEING PSYCHOLOGICALLY AVAILABLE. Whilst you are still embroiled with current "boyfriend", it will show - through everything you say and everything you do. It'll show in more ways that you can know or appreciate. Subtly, yes. But it'll still get 'read' by everyone's subconscious. So dump the dud as will turn that invisible light above your head from Red to Green.
No, a few touches and hugs under those circumstances are NOT better than nothing. They're worse. As Whitney Houston put it, 'I'd rather be alone than unhappy'. She forgot to insert 'for a while', though. Because, again, without a Red light above your head that to anyone capable of a healthy relationship says "move on", chemistry not only doesn't need any help in making you strike as attractive on first 'whiff' but refuses point-blank to let you remain single for longer than is necessary/than one might concertedly try to.
So you need to dump the dud, get your single life running all tickety-boo like clockwork, including having things regularly to do that are fun and mentally stimulating/challenging enough to put a Mona Lisa smile on your face, and then let chemistry do its usual lasso -ing.
PS: Everyone is at their most alluring when in their favourite type of place or engrossed in their favourite pastime. Fact.