Am I over reacting?? Or am I dumb as they come?
I have been with my husband about a year. When we met I had just moved to a new city and met him the second day. We immediately clicked, saw stars, felt that electricity. But as time sent on he revealed a very controlling side. At ticar, whenever chemicals are part of the equation he gets physically abusive. It's been real bad at times. But things got better for a while. I moved across the country with him for his work and it further isolated me. Since I've met him over been falling into this depression that goes deeper and deeper and that makes me want to put any mind altering substance I can find into my self to just not hurt anymore. When things are good they are great, but it's always so short lived. But recently I've caught him on dating sites while I've been out of town and looking at Craigslist personals. He claims he's never met up with anyone, and I think I believe him as of now... But the betrayal is the same, and in my mind it's only a matter of time, right? He blames it all on the fact that he did meth. .... He cried and pleaded and promised counseling. This was last week. It's now Tuesday and he had yet to even call one damn place. We were supposed to FINNALLY get rings but instead of looking for wedding rings or setting up counseling he NEEDED to get a touch screen radio put in his new car. Writing this out really makes me realize how stupid I am to believe his fucking lies. He says he's sorry ALOT, but when I want to really talk about it he gets huffy puffy and shuts me down saying things like I should be over it, it was nothing, its not cheating BC he never fucked anyone... He is the only living family I have. I'm in a state I know no one... But I love him. When I've tried to leave him in the past I can't seem to get him out of my mind. Him calling me constantly begging for forgiveness doesn't really help. I JUST DONT FUCKING GET IT!!! IVE GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING. EVERY FUCKING THING I HAVE INSIDE.... WHY IS HE PRETENDING THAT HE IS SORRY? WHY IS HE PRETENDING HE WILL CHANGE? AND WHAT CRUEL PERSON WOULD PUT SOMEONE ELSE THRU THIS? The pain is so immense that its taking me as far as contemplating ending everything to just not hurt anymore.... What's wrong with me and how did I get here? And what do I do
How did you get there? You got yourself there because you thought you loved the guy. Then the abuse and dishonesty began and you kept making excuses to yourself about his behavior or you felt guilty for some reason. Well, he's NOT going to change no matter how much you try to change him or how much he promises he will change.
What do you do? Leave the jerk now! Unless you just want to continue being miserable.
Just a note... There's three billion men on this planet. You can afford to be picky.
Do yourself a favor and don't get pregnant by this user and abuser.
In my opinion, you grew too dependent on him. and that is why every time you try and leave, you allow him back in. You need something for yourself...a job a career education, etc. The real problem is you are in your own way. Giving everything up and moving for him shows him how invested you are in the relationship and how devoted you are to him and that he can push and even cross limits with you especially if you forgive him after the first few things he did. Leave him and find yourself. Take your time. Make a friend..reconnect with any family. Do something for yourself and what makes you feel good about yourself. Do not dig a deeper hole and I agree, do not get pregnant because you will be stuck forever. Muster up the strength and courage now..Tell yourself you can do better and you will do better.
Best of luck
Just one tweak, IMO: You grew too depend on *someone who didn't warrant or deserve it* (rather than growing dependent per se being the problem). In future, hold your heart back a bit, without letting it show, until time and consistent demonstration on the man's part represent a giving of the Green light to let rip with greater abandon.
Oh, and don't say 'never again'. Say 'never again with someone who behaves A SECOND TIME like that/in that vein'.