My 1st love wants to meet again
I went out with Sally some 20 yrs ago. She was my 1st love and was very special to me as she helped my through a tough time back then. We were inspearable back then and everyone would comment on what a loverly couple we were. Her parents like me too. Sally was my soul mate. We had this special connection.. I have over the yrs sensed things about her that I have now proved to true
Recently she contacted me via Friends Reunited and then she tracked me down via Facebook!! ( I had sensed that she was going to contact me 3 days before it happened..dont ask me why..similar things happened when we were togther!!)
Problem is she is married with kids but I am single.
Sally called me ..but she went ot her parents hse to call me. We spoke for 40mins and then she suggested that we meet up. During that time she has several calls but she didnt take them. She told me that she was @ her parents and that they were away.
Anyway we met in a town nr us for a drink. When I walked into the bar she saw me and her eyes lite up as they used to when we were 2gether. We kissed each other on the cheek and held each others arms.
The drink & chat went so well that we went for a meal after that. She told me all about her life since we split..but she seemed to want to be back to the time that we were together. We split up due to my exams and impending Uni & my Dad. She didnt speak in an affectionate way about her hubby!!
Sally asked me a total of 3 times (1x on the phone and 2x during the evening ) "Why are you still single/not married?...havent you even been close?...".I told her that I had been close 1 or 2 times...the 1st a v long time ago (meaning her) and the second..well her family werre not right"..The latter seem to hit a nerve with Sally!!
At the end of the meal I walked her to her car. As i did so she thanked me for a lovely time and asked if we could meet again soon? I replied sure..whenever you want too and went to say goodnite with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. However as I touched her she melted into my arms and we kissed each other on the cheeks.
I thanked her for the love and support she gave me back then she
got embarrassed and and she kissed/held me again. I cupped her face and she responded in a positve way! I waiver her good bye and walked back to my car
As was walking back to my car, Sally saw me and offered a lift..it was as though she didnt want the evening to end. Neither did I. I got into the car ahd directed her to where I was parked.We got to my car and once again tried to say good nite ( this was always difficult when we dated as we loved each other soo much) once agin we kissed on the cheeks.. I made sure that I didnt kiss her on the lips!!
We txt for the next few days abd @ the w/e she asked me to help her with a speach for a new job. I emailed some suggestions to her to which she replied "WOW I'm impressed"
Our initial relationship was over 20 yrs ago.. and a lot has happened since then.. I had moved on but seeing her again has left me confused etc.
I know what you are thinking..but I dont want to get involved with her unless she is single.
But this episode has re-awoken the feelings from back then & new ones now. From her actions I think that she is unhappy in her relationship with her hubby and wants out. Sally is an intelligent woman. She would have know the likelyhood of her actions in contacting me!!
HELP What do I do..I am normally a pragmatic person and I am very level headed. But theis has comepletly thrown me.
Do I contact her or do I wait for her to contact me again?. I am so confused. HELPPP
Dear vhappyman, You are 'playing with fire'. If Sally is not happy with her husband why did she have his children and why is she still married to him? She didn't say she is unhappy and if you have such an affinity,as you say, surely she would have told you.You'll do what you want to do-but It looks as if you are reading too much into the situation. It is likely that you could get very hurt!
Thanks for taking the time to post on here its much appreciated.
I know Sally has had his kids. The way she spoke about him/them I sensed that she regrets her marriage.
I dont want to sound big headed, I work as a Management Consultant...for one of the top consultancies in the world. I work with people all the time. People often tell me one thing..but this is different from the truth. In both my professional and personal life, my gut feeling has always been proven to be right.
In the time Sally and I were together 20+ yrs ago, I could tell by the look in her beautiful eyes when she was happy/sad/confused/upset etc. After meeting her again all these yrs later she still has those different "expressions" in her eyes (difficult to explain unless you see them).
When she saw me again.. she smiled like a cheshire cat her eyes lite up as they used to all those yrs ago..and thats not my imagination!
We spoke about the many things that had happened to us since we were a couple. I could tell what made her happy and sad, she is unable to hide her feelings..her eyes always give them away!!
When she opened up to me about her hubby and family, she had the same sad look in her eyes as she had after we split. She did NOT speak about him & kids with any love & affection. When I told her about my 8 yr old nephew..her eyes lite up and she said "WOW.. you really love him....he's really lucky."
The meeting up went SOOO well and the time (3hrs) flew by so quickly that I didnt get a chance to bring up the subject of her marriage/ and any problems & why she had contacted me after all these yrs. English people are like that we dont say this sort of thing on a first meet.
I thought that perhaps I was reading too much into this, but after having spoken to a number of my female friends, they tell me that my gut feeling appears to be pretty spot on.
I only judge people on thier actions and not on thier words.
Sally has indicated that she would like to meet up again soon..probaly in the next 2 wks before she goes on holiday to thier summer home. I guess that will be the correct time to ask her the q's that we both know need to be asked/answered.
Thanks once again for yr input.
Hi again vhappy man, It seems you have made up your mind. For your sake I hope you are right and I am wrong-but someone has to get hurt- in this scenario Good luck anyway.
Thanks once again for your concerns.
Its not a case of me being right and you being wrong. I am just looking @ the facts in an objective way.
I havent made up my mind. I am still confused by the sequence of events that have led to this meeting ( a lot of strange co-incidents which have happened...( she visited my country of origin a few yrs after we split..she learnt an excercise technique from the same country..very unusual for that here, and she called her son the same name as my Dad.(She knew his name as I had told her) ..these are only some events have happend recently.
Bearing in mind that we have not seen each other /spoken for 20+ yrs the meeting up couldnt have gone off any better if it had been scripted!!
I know some-one will get hurt in this. Sally is a very intelligent lady. She would have know the consequences of contacting me..esp if the chemistry existed on both sides, which it appears is the case.
What concerns me in all of this is the intense saddness in her eyes and in her voice when we met/spoke about her life.
I guess that on my next meeting with her, I can claify her situation.
Thanks very much for the time that you took to post a comment
Hi Vhappy man,
I think that things happen for a reason and there are no accidents. From the way you describe how Sally eyes and reactions, it is no wonder you believe that there is so much more than she is saying. You clearly love Sally very much to be able to see beyond the surface of things. It is not easy for anyone in your shoes to remain objective, especially when the feelings involved are strong and the element of hope and possibility exists. I do hope that you can clarify things with her the next time and ask the questions you've not asked. The path of love never did run smooth. But if you would give me the opportunity, I would be happy to show you what lies ahead for you on this path. Once I have determined the aims and goals you wish to achieve, I would be happy to help you to reach them. Do drop by my website at http://hanofharmony.com
if you would like to discuss things further.
Thanks for your comments & support it means a lot to me.
I knew Sally very well back then. I was surprised that those expressions that I knew are still there...what is it that they say about the "Eyes being the Temple of the Soul?"
I have looked this very objectively...no Rose tinted specs here...if anything I am trying to prove that there are NO connection between us over the 20+ yrs..but things that she has done/have happend would lead an independent person to believe otherwise. ( I talked to my best mates about this.. and I got the same conclusions from them that I reached.
I am very fond of her..but I dont know her now so I dont think that you can say that I "love her".
On my side, there is NO hope of us getting back together.. I mean she's married and has 4 kids. I wanna get married and have kids too.
I sensed this "sadness" in her before she contacted me. Remember I havent had ANY contact with her in over 20 yrs!!.
Unfortunately, this sadness was confirmed when she phoned me and during our subsequent meeting
Thanks once again for yr support
Not everyone in your position would have been able to remain objective. That is admirable. It is true that because you've not met her for 20+ years, you can't say you love her, heck, you don't really know her. A lot of things can happen to change someone you haven't met for say 5 years, let alone 20. All that you have with her was that connection 20 years ago. But, not everyone has this special connection. It's a pity that there is a sense of sadness in her. I mean it's painful to see someone you have feelings for in pain. Things happen for a reason. It could be there is some deeper meaning that your paths have crossed again now after so long. Whatever it is, even if you harbour no hopes of getting back together, your association with her may still stir your heart in unexpected ways. Especially if you try to take away her sadness. Heh, but I suppose you just can't walk away. If that is the case, do be careful and never lose the moral ground; doing so will make things messy. Finally, if you want to know where the road leads or what lies ahead, you know how to find me. All the best!
I feel your confusion...
Sometimes it is really hard to be objective when you meet your first love after 20 years.
I suggest you stand back and think of the reasons why you want to re-start a relationship with her. The reason why two people get hurt in a relationship is that they enter with the wrong reasons. Clarify your reasons first and communicate this to her. I know this hard to do. You will be left vulnerable and she may take a big step back. However your recent history will hopefully lead her to be open and receptive.
Also remember, that a man and a woman can also be intimate in a non-sexual manner. As long as the reasons for entering the relationship is clear, intimacy will take the form of a friend who is always there, a shoulder to cry on or somebody to laugh with you.
If you wish, update me with your situation and let me see how I can help you more.
Hi Vizier & Listeninguy,
Thanks for yr inputs..again much appreciated.
Let me explain the connection that Sally and I had. There were times even b4 we dated that I would think about her, and she wou ld appear @ the store that we worked in on a Saturday (this was during the wk and she didnt know I was there..and the store was 7 miles from where she lived. At other times, I used to sense that someone was watching me..I'd turn in that direction and there she was looking at me and then she'd get embarrassed and smile at me!!. When we dated, one time she rang me after I'd just had a massive arguement with my father, she didnt kno wabout his and the 1st thing she said b4 I had spoken was " are you ok "..rememebr this was in the days b4 the internet/mobile phones!!.
Over the yrs I have worked in many countries around the world, and I have "sensed" things about her for no apparent reason. I dont know what they were, & its hard to explain. On many of these occasssions I have seen someone who looks like her shortly afterwards....and no I havent been mistaken..even friends who were with me at the time (& had seen her photo) asked me "was that Sally?"
The latest episode was recently. I was in the middle of some proffessional exams and I sensed this incredible sadness in her.. I dont know where it came from. When she did contact me, I thought perhaps it was problems with her parents..but she assured me that they were ok.
I have been very objective in all this. My training/work allows me to do this. I have stood back and looked @ this from every possible angle..hers/her hubby/kids./parents/friends etc.and the can of worms that would be opened in an realtionship with her!.
The sadness in her heart through her eyes really touched me..not to mention the sense that all was not well with her before we had any contact!!.
Remember, I did not ask to restart any relationship with her, SHE came looking for me via Friends Reutd and Facebook ( Sally saw the same photo that i used on FR and tracked me down on my Facebook A/c and asked me to add her as a friend. She went to her parents hse to call me when they were away. She suggested that we meet intially..are these the actions of a happily married woman?
I have spoken to a few female friends of mine about this and they have suggested that she appears to be in an unhappy relationship.(she told me that she became pregnant with her 1st kid..he wanted her to get "rid of it" and he wouldnt marry her @ the time..which appeard to be a VERY sore point..).possibly looking to get out now the kids are ready to fly the nest and return to her 1st love? who knows
Sally suggested meeting again at the end of our 1st meeting which could not have gone better if it had been scripted!!
Unfortunatley the affection/chemistry is still there between us.
What confuses me is why she has come looking for me after all these yrs..is it as my female friends suggest?
Hi Vhappy Man,
Your early experiences with Sally are truly uncanny. Given the connection you had with her in the past, it is no wonder you are shaken by her sadness. If you really want to know why Sally is looking for you after all these years, I could divine the answer for you. This will serve a few purposes. Firstly, it will give you greater insight into what is going on. This will help to reduce your confusion. Secondly, if you get some idea of her motivations, you will be able to know where you stand and decide what to do next. It's always the not knowing that is most difficult. This could be useful if she requires your support or something. Let me know if you want me to go ahead. If so I will require a few more details.
Try asking her in a straight but caring way. I know this may be hard but I believe because both of you were close 20 years ago, she will accept that you need to know. Have a heart-to-heart talk with her and tell her how much you care but because of the current situations, there is need to be honest and objective. I wish you good luck with this!