Battling with depression
It’s not something I’ve actually talked to anyone about at all, mainly because I just don’t know how. I pretty much can figure out what anyone would say, from how to fix it or simply what’s bothering me upsetting them in some form or way. Lately I’ve just been… depressed inside. I feel alone, despite having my best friend and lover by my side. It’s not that she isn’t enough, but more or less… she has someone she talks to daily, all throughout the day, she almost always has a friend like that and I’m just… jealous, because I don’t.
I use to have tons of friends years ago. It was so easy to make friends. We rode bikes together, hung out at each other’s houses, had common interest most of the time and it was just… good. Then I made lots of friends online, became pretty popular among the places I hung out at. I met a lot of people, but over time as I got older, everyone got older, people disappeared, I lost some friends along the way. I found a lot on facebook, have them as friends but now, at the age of 25, and even before I was 25, my social skils are just… terrible. I feel terribly awkward in conversations, and I don’t know what to say almost all the time. I don’t know how to add in on the conversation so I just sit there or stand and smile, and I don’t know how to find out about others, to keep a conversation going.
A lot of things I’m into people around me aren’t, and the same goes the other way. Online I just can’t seem to do much. Everytime I try it just… fails. I thought becoming a staff member on a site would help that but I ended up screwing that up. I’m barely active on here and I don’t wanna use my old blog. No one really sends me messages for that reason.
I just… seem to have lost the ability to connect to people, and it sucks, really really badly… because I want friends, real friends. Friends I could talk to all day. Friends offline who invite me to social events. Friends online who I can come home from work and talk to all night, about anime, video games, anything. I want more social interaction, and not having it just… has me pretty depressed, and it has. Even at my job when dealing with customers I don’t know how to just… let loose and try to be fun. I worry so much in person that I’m being judge and I can’t fight it, I don’t wanna look stupid in front of others.
I know if I tell anyone else they’ll just tell me I need to make effort too, or that I just need to keep trying but it’s not that easy. I have been trying, for years now, and I just… can’t, and the fact I can’t just… puts me in this dark place. I have so many things I wanna do and all I can do is just… sit here depressed, cry over this because I feel so alone in it and don’t know how to change things at all.
It sounds like you're in a Catch 22. You're down in the dumps about SOMETHING, don't know what it is, are blaming it solely and exclusively on a lack of friendships/connections, and yet that something is blocking your ability to behave around other people like you used to be able to do or to find them stimulating and fulfilling in the first place. You're basically saying you want to go rollerskating with other people yet don't know what shops stock them or where they're located and even if you did, wouldn't feel like skating or skating with those who skate because their style and where they want to skate differs too much from your own style and desires.
You say you don't know how to talk to anyone about it - and this despite you have a girlfriend whom you refer to as your best friend - and yet - look - YOU JUST DID. So, then, that's not true, is it - you DO know how. So what's the REAL reason behind why you've never talked about it?
WHY can't you confide in your gf? And why do you want to talk "all day" anyway? What about deep and involving activities whereby you can talk about what you and other aficionados are doing as you do it?
Furthermore, who told you you have to be non-stop FUN? Plus - what constitutes looking stupid and what would happen if ever you did? Would your head explode - what?