Forced into the marraige with the guy I don't love
Hi, I am not really sure how to start this, and this is the first time I am on a public forum, please bear with me if there is something wrong with my post.
I am 25year old Indian girl, well educated, well settled for my age. I almost turned down more than 100 guys proposals before my marriage and there comes my mother who always cribs for my marriage, she never used let me say No to any guy, so I was really frustrated with the things, suddenly my mother along with her brothers blackmailed me to get married to a guy. and I went into depression as no one was there my side to support, every one in my family forced me to get married. as I never wanted my mother to be sad and I dint want to get into this marriage, I lived my life in hell, tried to convey the same for the guy, but he ignored. as arranged marriages are common in India, everyone was so happy on my marriage day except me.
I do not say he is bad, it is just that I am not happy with this marriage, and he never had a communication with me as why I am being sad even before and after the marriage, all he needs is me, and he wanted to show off me to his relatives by getting married to a educated girl as I can see many from his circle turned down his proposal. he even hide about his parents and how they behave and all before marriage, they made me sleep on the floor on the marriage day, they demanded for dowry which my parents hide from me, they did all the cheap things which I never expected, and my husband never stopped them or at least tried to stop them from doing all this, I don't think I will ever talk to them with respect.
under depression I even lost my job, then went on to higher studies after that. being married for 7 months now, there is not a single night I went to sleep without thinking about all this, Now, all I need is my previous life and happiness, I had no affairs no bad relations I was always a happy going girl and suddenly everything changed in my life.
Now I am clueless on how to proceed with this life, I do not like to be his wife but I am scared of divorce consequences and none in my family supports this, all they say is you are educated and you can make your life happy going forward. but I was never ready for this marriage. I am not sure how to proceed now. please let me know if anyone here has any suggestions for me.
I can't really offer any advice on your situation, as I can't even imagining experiencing it. I just wanted you to know that someone read and listened to your post, and that I feel for you and your situation. I hope it works out for you, and that you end up happy.
thank you OAKFOX, you made feel
Good with your reply.. Hope I will get some advice soon
Emotionally blackmailed you, HOW? And have you talked to your mother and father or either of them separately and told of how depressed this so-called marriage is making you and how dismissively/disrespectfully he and his parents treat you?
My parents know everything, that I am not interested in this marriage, and I am Having higher goals in my career, I even stopped talking to my parents because of all the headach they are giving. Irrespective of all this, my mother blackmailed me saying he will die I say no for this marriage, and now they know everything happened to me in my in laws home. Still as they live in village, all they want is to live my life with this guy without cribbing, they don't even empathize my feelings, they don't even understand how broke I am. All they see is I am able to stand all this without going crazy. For the first time, I am feeling sorry for myself and I am not able to decide anything.
one more thing I am stuck with is, my parents struggled a lot for my education so far but they couldn't able to get out of their mindset on girls marriage, I tried my best to modernize their way of thinking but I left with this because of their surroundings.. And I never lived in village environment and they never lived far from the village and their poking relatives.. They are not able
To come out of it and I am not able to compromise on my life
I'm not really knowledable enough about your religion and customs. I have heard that consequences can be dire. What is cribbing? How old are you? How are finances handled in your marriage? I would not want to give advice that would put you in danger.
I do know that divorce is seen as a disgrace and bringing shame to the family.This is your country belief system. Whatever you do think it through, I don't feel your parents will do anything to help you. My understanding is that in your country women are seen as second class and more like property. Is there any chance you can study abroad and never go back? You must learn and undersand how divorces can be granted and what you will face.
Hi Again, I see now that you are 25ys old. Did you really believe that this guy was really going to die if you didn't marry him? Are your parents still paying for your education or is your husband now responsible?
What do you know about other women seeking divorces and what has happend to them? Whatever you do, do not get pregant. Short of leaving your country and seeking aslyum in a country that will let you in and not returning you back to India is all I can think of.
I was going to ask the same thing that Skinnygirl did: "What do other females in your situation do? Do some of them escape this? How? Maybe you have to have the right parents to help you, for they could withdraw money, assistance, etc. Other females who have escaped this, what did they do to escape this? I know it could be difficult, but try to be positive that you can get out of this. I think you should continue your education, also.
Thank you skinnygirl and Tartan. One positive thing is I am staying away from my parents now, studying abroad. And the guy stays in same country too but in different state.
Glad you checked in and let us know how you are doing. I was wondering if you had even gotten the latest messages. Now I see you have. Glad to see you are still fighting this. Glad to see you're positive, by staying away from your parents if that is what you think is best. Glad to hear you're studying abroad. Glad the guy is in a different state. I was also thinking, can you check on the search engine, under, what, "escaping forced marriage in India," or something like that. Check in with us from time to time. We're wanting the best for you.
Here is a column from the newspaper that helped me in solving problems.
I didn't know it, but unconsciously I had been negative when it came to solving problems, because that's the way I had been raised. I didn't realize it, but half of my mind (unconscious negative)didn't even want to solve the problem.
I realized, I had to clear the negative out of my unconscious before even starting to think about the problem I wanted to solve. So if I had a problem, I would read the column for one thing. If away from my house, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive, think positive," trying to drive any unseen negative out of my unconscious. Only then would I start to think about the problem.
Here's the column. Please let us know how you are doing. Tartan
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re present with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and
attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
"Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
“Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”
June 21, 1994
I know a man who was forced into an arranged marriage. He hated it at first. They grew to love each other despite the lies they both thought the other wanted to hear lol. They have 2 children now and i've never seen him happier. It won't fix your problem by any means and i'm very sorry your so upset. But maybe you could use some hope
Hi! So glad your doing well. Whatever you do be sure you have considered every option, pursue only the path that leads you to the life you want and deserve.
Get an education visa and leave the country.