Normalcy in a marriage?
I have been married for almost 5 years. We have a 3.5 and a 2.5 year old and the last 3.5 years of our marriage have been really hard! I am always going back to the same conclusion, get a divorce, but then I wonder if I need to be a "better wife" as I am always told I am not.
Soon after the marriage, very soon, I learned he did not have a paying job, had other children I was not aware of (you cannot find this out in my state), and had lied about many things. He stated he worked for his family business and that he lived with his parents so he could be there to help them as they were ill.
He lived with his parents because he did not want to work and have to pay child support and I also assume based on an experience he and I had, he would from time to time get arrested for not paying and then have to get bailed out. I had to right away during our marriage. And he worked for free for his family and a few times I caught him stealing checks from them. I knew they were stolen because they bounced and I had to ask for repayment and they were not aware the checks were gone and in the first year of our marriage, on my first maternity leave, he gave me $1,200 and stated it was from a job. I later learned his parents expected me to pay them back with interest and they threatened to sue me.
In addition, I found accounts for obscure dating sites and a photo of him as well as some message from a woman in an area he went for "work: a few times during our engagement.
When I was discovering all of this I was pregnant, newly married, had just paid for the whole wedding with the promise he would be getting paid for jobs, in Grad school and working two jobs because I dared not give up my second job with the news of his lack of income and a baby on the way.
His family treated me terribly, never speaking to me, never inviting me to things or accepting my invitations, and never trying to get to know me. He was argumentative right around month 6 and started refusing to help with anything or save and in my emotional state and tears would call me names. I kept this all from my family and friends and in my last week of pregnancy he did something shocking, to this day he wont admit, has never apologized, and acts as if it never happened. I wanted a divorce then and started the process but because he wants what he wants I was pregnant again just 10 weeks into a new baby.
He promised he would change and do better and start helping physically and financially. after only a year of marriage I decided to try for a bit longer. But nothing changed. IT GOT WORSE! On the brink of baby number 2, still working two jobs, sometimes not sleeping for over 24 hours and living on coffee I found myself having to make hard decisions. I owned a home, a nice car, had great credit, and opportunity for great advancement but within 18 months-24 months of marriage it was gone. I couldn't afford to keep up with a family of four on my salary, was afraid to try to make a career move because he lashed out and squandered opportunities, including calling possible contracts and making accusations. His family still treated me terrible and made threat, as did he and the system was unable to help. I had to choose between being homeless or file for a divorce so I stayed I stayed in the marriage and asked him to leave. He did for a while and it was great. There was peace and I was happy and I was able to work through the financial disaster without as much resentment in looking at him but then he came back, refused to do a consenting divorce and refused to move out. He still also refused to help financially pay for his expenses or help with our children. I had to hire babysitters and wasn't allowed to go to work on the evenings he was around because he thought I was always sleeping with someone.
Fast forward.... I am still married....he still lives in the house....he has given me a total of $800 in 2015 and nothing previously to January.....and wont help with housework, yells at me, tells me to shut up if I asked for his help, or walks out the door, and now recently (this past weekend) began packing up the kids and leaving with them to avoid helping or because he doesn't want to wait for me to go do something, yet I have no idea there are possible plans. He wont tell me where he is going with them or when he will be back but expects me to be there and have the house cleaned and food ready in case they are hungry. Prior to this weekend he has rarely taken an interest in spending time with them or us as a family. So this is new. It was terrible and I felt so sorry for the girls, partly because they were in the middle and partly because I was so mad about the whole thing.
I was not mad he wanted to spend time with them. I understand that part. I only have the nights and Sundays with my kids because I work quite a bit and take care of all of the expenses for the family and am trying to advance my career. I am mad because it was never a conversation and it was very backhandish and spiteful and manipulative and derogatory.
I have s much hate and resentment towards him and his family and unless he leaves I cannot heal. I have no peace in my home when he is there and I feel like a slave. I have never been called names or accused so much for anything and I have never met someone who refuses to take care of his / her family and say the things he says to me. He has told me none of the expenses are his responsibility and he doesn't care. He watched me loose my car and almost loose my home twice. Its been a battle resulting in bankruptcy for me, not him because he refused to take any responsibility, standing in food lines, and family and friends (mine never his) helping as they could until I was able to get into a better spot. I cannot look at him without feeling anger for what he has done and refused to do and I find myself being someone I don't like, easily reacting and hyper sensitive and unhappy and I have a good life if not for him.
I want a divorce and he wont just agree, which means I have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars and trust me he will not make it easy. And I worry about my girls being raised by a man like him and trust me I hate saying that because I am not even close to being a "manhater", but he is different. He is the picture of the definition of Machismo and to think of how I ended up with him... I don't know. I am afraid of him and want him to just leave and I know he will never see what he has done and is doing.
Your husband is abusive, cruel, demeaning and he has all the power in your relationship because you gave it to him by not standing up for yourself in the beginning of this horrible marriage. MAKE A PLAN GET A DIVORCE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO REMOVE YOURSELF and your girls OUT OF THIS Abusive situation.
Maya Angelo(Poet) once wrote "you deserve what you accept" So stop accepting this abusive, demeaning behavior by filing for a divorce. Legal fees pale in comparison to everything you have gone through. This man will never leave he has total CONTROL/POWER. Being afraid of him must be taken seriously plan your divorce with your safety in mind. He dosen't have to agree with the divorce, he has no means to fight/disgree once your case gets in the legal system.
Hpoing the best for you