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My life or my future?

Posted by
MYNAME
on Jul 28 2015 at 05:10
Member since: 28 July 2015
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category I lived in the same place for 17 years of my life. Recently, my family and I moved 3 hours away. I have always had problem with friends leaving, but I was the one that left this time. I thought that it wouldn't bother me so much because I frequently visit them between school and work. My problem began a few months ago when I visited them again. I am currently 19 years old and will be attending college very soon. On this visit, I met a girl at a party my friends were throwing. Me and her became attached, which is a first for me since I generally don't have enough confidence to meet new people. Through out that visit, me and her became real close and my feelings for her became strong. I asked her on a date when I visited next, which she agreed. Back at home I told my parents about this, which caused the issue I am having today. They refused to let me see her. We fought back and forth for weeks before they finally dropped the subject. Their reasoning is that she is a mixed skin girl. I don't see any problems with it, in fact it adds to her beauty. I went back and saw her anyway, which is because she is renting a room at my friends house. The more I saw her the stronger my feelings have grew. She was the first girl I ever kissed and is the first girl that I have had these intense feelings for.

I have been keeping these visits a secret from my family by saying that she lives somewhere else now. When I am at home I can't seem to get her out of my mind for a second. I told her that I liked her and wanted to be in a relationship but I can't tell how she feels about me. She says she likes me as well, but isn't looking for a relationship at the moment. Even though she said that, she hugs and kisses me still. We go places together and she wants to spend time with me. I even sleep with her during my visits but we never had sex. That isn't important to me but I would be lying to say I haven't thought about it. Also her personality and my personality are completely opposite from each other. She is fun; out-going and very independent, while I am shy, and quiet most of the time. Her confidence drives me to be stronger as a person and more confident in myself as well.

Currently I will be starting college soon which will almost stop me from visiting her and my friends. I fear that if I stop coming she will move on to someone else and forget about me. I am thinking of moving out of my parents house and finding a apartment closer so I can be with her and my friends back where I grew up. I still don't know her true feelings for me, and I worry about her rejecting me if I share my true feelings with her. If I move, it means that I would be giving up on my parents and not moving to a four year university for my degree. I can finish my 2 year agree in one more semester at a community college and I have some money saved to try and start my life somewhere else. I just wanted to make my parents happy but I want to be happy as well. I talked with my friends and even their parents on the situation. The piece of advice that keeps coming up is that "T can't make everybody happy."

I can't keep worrying about all this, it's physically making me feel sick to a point where I am losing weight. I have lost ten pounds and I feel nauseous when I eat some food. I can barely sleep and I feel sad during the day. Sometimes I get really upset and get irritated and angry, especially at work. I want this chance to be with her but the thought of her moving on is tearing me apart.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jul 28 2015 at 16:25
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
Hmmmm... Why is my nosie thinking the skin thing is just your parents' extra excuse for why (real reason) they don't want there to be something that could "pull" you back to that area hence pull you out of their new one and away from them, especially when she has her own 'house' that YOU COULD END UP MOVING INTO?

Be fully aware of what's going on with you at the moment: SOME of that intense feeling will actually be attributable to the fact you're still attached to your old stomping ground (as well as your recognition that you need someone's help out of your shell a bit more). You THOUGHT moving away wouldn't bother you but clearly it did. With even MORE reason, now! So take this LEVEL of intensity of feelings for this young woman with a pinch of salt. And you need to know that in case you DO ever move in with her and then suddenly find you're not half as crazy about her as you'd been convinced you were, hence have to move right back home again (tail between your legs).

You should always as an adult be wary about bonding with someone who has something you need only temporarily (due to it being a current issue at the point of meeting and connecting). This girl provides love and romance AND a way for you to move back to where you were happier and - with said tutorial in self-projection skills - even happier than previously. Or WOULD if she were keener on you. (Liken it to your needing money and some girl you naturally fancy having the magical power to rack up money in your bank account by £50 every time you kissed her. Rather than kiss the normal amount, you'd want to non-stop snog her face off, wouldn't you?)

She DOESN'T have that side-need problem to which you pose as a solution-on-legs, you see. So she likes you as much as nature, the tenure and circumstances dictate she should. The normal amount for the time and interactional quality therein that you've known one another. So she's QUITE keen. But not as mad keen as you are. Only, as I say, you're not. Not really.

She might even background sense this artificial keenness in the mix, you never know. It could be what's making her extra cautious about getting that involved with you, only to overly potentially see herself let down in however many months' time...hence her mouth saying one thing ("don't want a relationship AT THE MOMENT" = so WAIT rather than go away) but body doing another ("I'm snogging/cuddling/interacting with you like we're in a relationship"). By the same token, this is why despite you claim to love her, you can 'sit' on the associative urge to make it tangible/physical (sex). Men who tenure-befittingly QUITE fancy and are QUITE attached to a woman, can, you see.

Certainly it sounds as if your parents have managed to work out this whole keenness situation and its natural extrapolations (which they would, having had greater experience of life, people and relationships than you). But maybe they've been unable to articulate it fully, and so, in the absence of words with which to explain everything, saw it as faster and easier to deal the mixed race card?

What's wrong with the world of seemingly quiet and shy people? Who said you have to be a party person? Ever heard the expression, Still waters run deep? Regardless, wouldn't you rather your confidence were GENUINE rather than a by-rote mimicry of someone else's personality and behaviour? If so, then it needs to develop naturally on its own (assuming you're even *meant* to be another outgoing type in this world rather than add to the deep 'n silent sector of society?).

I have a suspicion that once you start college it'll be YOU who stop coming and move onto someone else, actually.

No, you CAN'T please all of the people all of the time. But ensuring that you please the RIGHT people, those that will be truly life-enhancing for/useful to you, takes you pleasing YOURSELF first and foremost (where it's your right and won't cause harm to others, I mean). You do that and, suddenly you'll find that (as Dr Seuss put it) "Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind". The right people - your mental and moral perfect matches, both platonic and romantic - will be naturally, "magically" AND VERY QUICKLY drawn to you like bees to a honeypot. So that is how you make "everybody" happy.

As far as the practical: if eating makes you feel nauseous then start drinking instead: power shakes, Bovril drinks (made with water from boiled vegetables), "cream of" soups, milk, hot chocolate, fruit juice. But here's a little-known fact for you: it's impossible to keep crying if you're eating food. Same principle applies to stress (which is why some people put on weight during stressy times). So force yourself whenever you can, in between the calorific and nutritious drinks. Your mind needs FUEL to work out solutions. If you deprive it of fuel then it has nothing to properly power it AND has to slow down all normal metabolic systems (meaning you also become less clever - creating a Catch 22). So as it's doing extra thinking, it needs MORE calories than usual, not less - hence you losing weight as your metabolism breaks down and converts bodily fat stores into "own food supply". PS: When you run out of fat, next comes your body eating its own major organs(!!!).

I expect you feel like a glass of full-cream milk now, huh? ;-)

The truth IS, "MyName", if this girl was truly "all that" and your mind knew it and your inner wisdom and all other parts of your psyche agreed, you wouldn't be caught in indecision. You'd have told her how you felt and (presuming a favourable response) moved in with her already.

Always watch your feet and what they're doing. If they're on-the-spot paralysed save for shuffling back and forth between Do It and Don't Do It then you have to take the hint that you don't have desire ENOUGH for Do It. So in actual fact, your paralysed but shuffling feet have already told you what you should do.

Now think about her own feet. If she *could* walk away and move on from you that easily, just because she had to wait a bit, then, likewise, she'd be proving she didn't have desire enough for you and she to be together longer-term. So how on EARTH would the relationship be meant to last any longer than those few months? So what is the REAL reason for wanting to plonk yourself 'permanently' back in your old location?

University. DER BIG UNIVERSITY - FOUR WHOLE LONG YEARS (or so it strikes from the outside-looking-in). Scary stuff, huh?

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?