Hi! I would really like to ask for some advice, since I have no one to turn to.
About 7 years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy (let`s call him Alex). Alex was fun, great in bed, loved me, and I loved him. But, I always felt a little uncomfortable with him. I`m 5 foot 1. He is shorter then me, and sometimes I`d fell like I`m molesting a child even though he`s older.
Then one of my family members died. I was devastated, at the same time I was getting ready for college, and it was just too many things happening all at once. So, I broke up with Alex.
I had suffered another death in my family during my first year. And there, I meat Jake, who was in my study group. Shortly after we began dating, a third, and most important family member passed away.
To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I struggled with depression for three years. Jake was there. But he was just there.
In my three years of depression I let some things go. I couldn`t summon enough energy to tell Jake what`s bothering me, so I just let it go.
Like, when I was talking how I felt, he would sit across and just look at me. And keep silent. Like talking to a wall. He wouldn`t let me hang out with his friends, even though he hangs out with mine. He wouldn`t talk about himself, his needs, dreams, wishes... and the sex isn`t spectacular, either. We`ve been together for 5 years.
Few days go, Alex heard, finally, what had happened to me, so he invited me out, as a friend, to share my burden, which is something Jake had never done. After a lengthy talk, I felt, better, really better, something I hadn`t felt for three years.
So, I starded apologising to Alex, as to why I broke up. He said it didn`t matter and kissed me. I was so shocked, at first, I hadn`t reacted, and I definitely wasn`t ready for an explosion of lust.
Beeing depressed, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. But, now, since I started winning against my illness, I see Jake as he really is, emotionally unavailable and unable to comfort me, but I still feel something for him. And it wouldn`t be right just to say "Thank you for your assistance, now get out of my life". On the other hand, all I have now for Alex is lust. Big step for me from the lifeless thing I was, but still it`s just lust.
And I am all alone. I have no family left, no one to support me, no one to tell me it would be all right, and no one to ask for advice. So `i`m asking you. And sorry for the long post
I hate the name Alex. Anyway, here goes.
Thr fact that you didnt open up to Jake just shows how you yourself didnt trust him and you yourself wasnt emotionally ready. You and Jake used each other.
Alex was always around and you knew that. You got over your shallow standards and now you feel like you really like this guy.
You feel bad for Jake cuz though he didnt say anything he was there.
Now you feel lost. Tbh, just go to Alex then. But you would feel like you are betraying Jake.
But honestly, didnt you already betray Jake the minute you withheld important stories like that?? The details matter. He prolly sensed that.
Anyway, you will always be lost if you try to find someone to fix you. Find yourself and accept yourself.
Thats all. Bye