Husbands affair turning me into a wreck
Hi i have been with my husband for 15 yrs and have four children. The eldest is from a previous relationship of mine but has had minimal contact with her Bio. She is 23 and has Autism and Bipolar2. Our kids together are 10, 8 and 4.
our life together has always been a struggle as our eldest wasn't diagnosed until she was 16 and a lot of the problems were put down to poor parenting etc. Three years ago Eldest moved out into supported living and I thought things would improve between myself and my husband and he would be calmer with our younger children. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Instead, 6 months later he left us. It absolutely destroyed my then seven and 5 yr old, the youngest to little to really understand. It devastated me. I couldn't understand why he left as I thought things were getting better. I started looking for answers and found out he was in contact with a girl who had dumped him in his teens. He said she made him feel good when they spoke. I had the usual reactions, the kids and I grieved and we started to move on. 6 months later he wants to come back. He said he would go to councelling, hadn't spoke to her for months( showed me phone records) and was devastated he'd lost us. So after 12 months of marriage councelling he's back in the home. Our finances are screwed as we've only ever had one income,as I struggled to cope with the eldest, and he had bought a whole new household of furniture, paid rent etc. I figured we would work through it, we were a family again. He started spending money erratically. Booked a family cruise paid deposits we couldn't afford then abused me the whole time. Bought a fireplace for thousands. Bought a thermomix (which is great) but expensive. Buys into a racehorse. The list is endless and all the while becomes more and more intolerant of the kids and I. He has a little man cave our therapist suggested for him to retreat to if he felt too stressed. He basically doesn't leave it. We have to knock on a locked door to speak to him. Flash forward to three weeks ago and my begging finally pays off and he sees a doctor and is diagnosed with bipolar himself. Starts medication and I start to feel hopeful for the future until last Friday when I catch him texting the same girl again. He waited until I stopped my paranoid checking of phone bills etc and settled down into trusting him again. This time he has spent the night with her. He had needed a break so had gone to stay with a mate a few hours away for the weekend but that's not where he went. He has been in contact with her for three months. Only been with her once but was planning on seeing her again. He is still in our home , he is remorseful but not enough to stop contacting her and says he doesn't know what he wants. It's not her she is just a break from reality. He loves us but can't stand being in the same house as us. I am going insane. I want to seriously Maime her, she has taken what was sacred to my children and basically crapped on it. ( she knew he had kids and how devastated they were last time). Every fibre of my being wants to tell him to get out but I don't think I can do it to the kids. so I'm here sometimes in a rage, sometimes in the foetal position. I haven't eaten for three days. I'm waiting to see what decision he comes up with. I feel so helpless trapped and pathetic. I can't even tell anyone because I'm so humiliated and I'll either get I told you so's or there will be such a tirade of hate towards him and her that I don't want to get caught up in because I feel like it wouldn't take much to send me over the edge and I'd end up doing something stupid. Help help help
I'm so sorry for your situation. I find myself getting irritated over your two-timing husband who doesn't appear to have the ability to make a decision. You're going to have to make that decision - a very tough one too. First thing is you need to take care of yourself and eat. Do you have a good friend you can talk to? You need a support system even if it's only one person. Don't be concerned about the "I told you so" comments - that's just human nature for some people. Just agree and refocus them on your situation.
This man is making you sick.
Your children are probably confused. They will handle all this as well as YOU do. So them seeing you raging and then in a fetal position is not good for them.
Please seek counseling so that you can make a plan for yourself.
He says he doesn't know what he wants. What do YOU want?
i am really sorry that You're going through this...and for the second time. Thank You for responding to my post and offering advice even when You feel so broken and in need of advice Yourself. One of the key things for You, as KNOT2LOUD said, is to have a core support group that You can at least vent to. If that means venting on here to someone, so be it, but please don't try to internalize this. i don't know if You've revisited my post or not, but i replied to Your comment on there as well. i have had a prayer request sent out for You, and a lot of good people are praying for You now. One woman here on campus (who herself has had difficulties like this) messaged me and offered to talk to You if You need/want to talk to someone. Perhaps she could help. Regardless, she'll be praying for You, as will i.
Your situation sounds similar to mine 8 years ago, and for the previous 29 years before that. My wife, who died of a long illness 6 years ago, had been sexually abused as a child. I figured she had 2,000 or more outside the marriage episodes. It started when our child was 3, and I did not want to leave that, and we were buying house, which would mess that up.
So I was 50-50 on what to do, as I see many things. I liked the 2 paychecks in one house, buying a house and the kid situation. I didn't like her probably cheating situation. So you and I were in the same situation, and I didn't know what to do. I did know what to do, stay in there for the kid (as you mentioned about your situation), and for the house.
So, she died of a long illness 6 years ago, and I have a mortgage free house, one reward for staying, the kid got to 13 before he learned of everything, and he fell apart for about 20 years, so that worked OK for 10 years and didn't for 20, I get some of her financial benefits since she has passed away, so that worked out.
However, I did have a lot of chest pain, and other health problems that she doled out when her affairs stopped, indirectly because of the marriage, and she blamed that on me. So those parts didn't work out. Or, my staying was 50-50. My leaving would have been 50-50. Where is the answer? I was like you. There is no answer. Each one of them is horrible.
You wrote: "He loves us but can't stand being in the same house as us. I am going insane. I want to seriously Maime her. Every fibre of my being wants to tell him to get out (+50%)but I don't think I can do it to the kids. (-50%)
"So I'm here sometimes in a rage (-100%), sometimes in the foetal position (-100%). I haven't eaten for three days. (-100%)I'm waiting to see what decision he comes up with. (+100% -100% = 0)
"I feel so helpless trapped and pathetic. (-100%) I can't even tell anyone because I'm so humiliated...because I feel like it wouldn't take much to send me over the edge and I'd end up doing something stupid. Help help help."
sussiedqqq above said, "Please seek counseling so that you can make a plan for yourself.
"He says he doesn't know what he wants. What do YOU want?"
(I was the same with my wife. I was saying, "Did she really hate me?" and others would ask me, "What do you think of her?" I would reply, "I know what I think of her, but I'm trying to figure out what she thought of me."
But there is a point, "What do (or did) we think of our spouses?"
I agree with (sussiedqqq). You said, there's no one you can tell. But you can tell a counsellor, male or female. Look them up in the yellow pages or on the computer yellow pages for your hometown. You really need that.
"Haven't eaten in 3 days, don't want to do something stupid? Helpless, trapped, pathetic? I'm going insane." He's the one who is wrong, but you don't want to be the one who pays the price. Also you might want to see a lawyer, male or female. It looks like you have grounds for divorce, and he might have to pay child support.
I never saw a lawyer, either. But I think it would be nice if you would see a lawyer, male or female, and just ask, "What if he comes in one night with an atom bomb, what could I do?" See, right now, you might not even know what your rights are. I didn't either. You probably have the law on your side and you don't even know it.
Also, you need to stay positive that you can solve this problem, and others. Those are his mistakes, not yours. Separate the two. In the meantime, you can be positive, get a lawyer, a counselor, grab a quick meal (eat something!!!) and try to keep the kids going.
One thing positive, if you ever get out of this you can see how much trouble you left behind. He's trying to see how much trouble he can crate, and bring you down with him. And you're letting him. A race horse, in the living room?
He can create all kind of trouble in the house, but you can leave the house. You don't have to stay where the trouble is. He's making you think you do. You don't. It's part of the game.
You can get out of this. Or, you can choose to stay in it. Your choice, which is a positive.
Go into the problem thinking you can solve it, I once read that on how to improve chances of solving problems. I used to be unconsciously negative, until I read a column on trying to be positive when working on a problem. It said, go into a problem with a positive frame of mind that you can solve it.
The problem is not positive, that's true. But your attitude that you can solve it can be positive. After I read that column, I said to myself, when I have problem, try to clear the negative out from you unconscious, for you won't even see the negative, which I've had all of my life, and didn't know it.
Now when I have a problem, I say to myself, "Think positive, think positive, think positive." And you say, help help help. By saying that to myself, I'm trying to drive out the unconscious negative, which I won't see. Only by first trying to drive out the negative do I even begin to think about trying to solve the problem.
And don't try to solve the entire problem in 5 minutes. Break it down to the problem you think is most important right in front of you. As I tell myself, and told this person who helps me, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem." What is the one problem you want to think about right now? Think positive, then try to solve that problem, only. You can think of an overall problem, but one step at a time with the overall problem.
Sounds like your husband may be a manic-depressive, which I am.
Signs of this to me are: 1. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Instead, 6 months later he left us. It absolutely destroyed my then seven and 5 yr old....
2.I started looking for answers and found out he was in contact with a girl who had dumped him in his teens. He said she made him feel good when they spoke. I had the usual reactions, the kids and I grieved and we started to move on. 6 months later he wants to come back.
3. he's back in the home. Our finances are screwed as we've only ever had one income, as I struggled to cope with the eldest, and he had bought a whole new household of furniture, paid rent etc. I figured we would work through it, we were a family again. He started spending money erratically....
4.he sees a doctor and is diagnosed with bipolar himself. Starts medication and I start to feel hopeful for the future until last Friday when I catch him texting the same girl again.
Well, I see in #4 above that he was diagnosed as bi-polar, or manic-depressive, and started medication. I'm on lithium for my illness, and it helps calm me down. What is he on? Did he stay on the medicine?
Couple of things I was thinking about this.
1. He's spending your paycheck. From what I gather, he doesn't work. As a manic-depressive, he comes in and spends your money. If he has a job, allow him to spend only his money, first on the rent, and other bills.
2. Also, he's not only spending your money, he's spending money that should be spent on the children. He's already an adult, now it's the children's turn to have a childhood. You have to stand up for your children, if he's spending their money, also.
3. If you can't go all the way to divorce, go one-half way to separation. Living without a spendthrift who doesn't have job (from my understanding), just your paying his wild bills, or at least one half of them, is great for him, but not for you or the kids.
4. Open up a separate checking account. That way, maybe he can't pay his bills with your money.
5. You said you were moving on without him for 6 months, and then he came back and messed everything up. You're contributing to this. You allowed him to come back. Then you scream, help! Well, what about helping yourself. "Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?"
6. You need to look to yourself as to why you let him come back. It's not all him. Are you being positive about this, that you can make it without him? You say the children need him. Well, he needs you and your kids money. That he comes back when he's broke or busted up with his girlfriend? It comes back to you, not only him.