So my husband has booked a romantic weekend away at the coast in a few weeks. Lovely, yes? Except that he’s told me he’s on a boys weekend the other end of the country that weekend and knows I’ve arranged to stay with my bestie…
I found the details of the booking on his email - he knows I have access to his email account, he just didn’t hide the sent items regarding the booking as well as the ones which had come to his inbox!
So, either he’s planning a lovely surprise for me or he’s up to something… I can’t accuse him without hard facts so I’ve created an email address which looks like it’s from the hotel and asked him to confirm names of all guests. He doesn’t check his emails very often so I’m just waiting to see whether he reads / replies to it.
I can’t see how it is for me if he’s happy for me to make plans with my bestie (she’s not in on this either, I’ve checked) and won’t give me the phone number of the boys he’s going away with. Also, he’s requested parking for one motorbike (his) and one car (why would we go separately???). I’m beside myself but can’t do anything without proof as we’ve been together for more than 20 years and have a child so I’ve a lot to lose if I’m wrong.
Does anyone have any advice please? Or ideas on what else I could do to catch him out? His phone never leaves his side so I can’t check it and I really want to know before the weekend in question as I can’t bear the thought of him being with another woman in a lovely hotel, which is something I’ve wanted to do with him for years! Also, it’s costing him £250 and we’re skint at the moment!!!
I’m so angry and confused, I feel sick and shaky all the time and can’t sleep. I need to get to the bottom of this asap…
Thanks for any help / advice you can offer x
You will get your answer in two seconds after you say, "Hey, guy, what's with the weekend reserved for two at the XYZ Resort on (date)?
I wonder why you are so hesitent to even START this conversation. Could it be you found out by sneaking around on his email? In any case, he wanted it to be found out, for sure, or he would have hidden all this information better.
Do you have ANY other incidents that might lend to the possibility of an affair?
Yes - he has a female friend who he assures me is just a friend but he texts her all the time even though it causes rows.
Put yourself in his shoes - if you'd done something lovely as a surprise and the person you were trying to surprise found out by looking at your emails, wouldn't that spoil the weekend somewhat?
I need proof before I do anything...
1. Although it puts his marriage in jeopardy, evidence already in existence says he would rather protect his right to have constant interaction with this woman "friend". In other words, he's protecting his relationship with her at the expense of yours and his. That's a biggie in terms of cheater attitude, I'm afraid. Although, saying that, some men are deliberately resistant/rebellious merely for the purposes of showing you how "you can't tell me what to do!".
Has he any reason to be rebellious and non-cooperative lately?
How come he even has the time to constantly be texting someone?
2. The emails. Men always ALWAYS let them selves down when it comes to the finer details and the gelling of such, meaning, this is a pretty standard way for a male cheater to get found out, I'm afraid.
Yes, this one is HIGHLY suspect.
His conscious would have thought to delete the *obvious* evidence, that of the incoming emails (- "Distractedness, anyone?"
. His subconscious - the part that wants him to be a decent man and that can't hack the guilt - would have forgotten to remember the rest. Again - quite common for cheaters to try to end the massive guilt they feel by coming clean conflicting with NOT wanting to come clean. Result: half of each aim, i.e. half-hidden + half-left = a WHOOPS!-subtle trail of crumbs.
Turn it on its head: WHY DELETE THE INCOMING ONES?
Just to check, though: Are there also OTHER Sent/response items - innocent ones - devoid of their original incoming?
3. Even if his intention were for your friend to be kept in the dark until the 11th Hour in case she blabs and spoils the surprise (- on which note - is she even known to be a blabbermouth?), it is still neither practical, intelligent nor rational to commit to a booking AND, let's not forget, a cash deposit under the perfectly real possibility of she and you making your own unbreakable commitment (e.g. booking yourselves expensive theatre or concert seats). He would have HAD to have forewarned her already.
He has not. Seemingly, then, there is nothing for *HER* to be 'in on'.
4. Booking firmly, secretly made, he meanwhile informs you that he'll be on a lads' weekend. The "the lads weekend/Stag do" cheating cover story is a well-worn one, I'm afraid.
5. Furthermore, why hide/change the lads' bash location; where's the need? Why not say the lads' weekend is in that same coastal vicinity?
6. The fact he refuses (- pardon?!?) to give you what could be said to be an emergency alternative contact number, despite you have kids, speaks volumes. Imagine a man was genuinely going on a lads' weekend: unless his wife were the type to regularly bother his phone constantly out of boredom/insecurity (- are you?), why on earth would he have any problem with her simply having the MEANS to contact one of said lads, given that it would probably go unused anyway? Where's the harm in saying, 'I'll give you one of my mate's numbers but under the strict understanding that it's for emergencies only'? Surely it's what any responsible father would do, if not the responsible husband?
Furthermore, were he planning a surprise getaway for you and he, wouldn't it be perfectly easy and simple to make one of his friends a pretend alibi so that he could OFFER the bloke's number as an emergency back-up contact method, meaning, if you WERE to check in this way prior to the day then this friend would already be clued up and wholly prepared to put you off the scent in order to keep the nice surprise going?
7. Lads Weekend. Romantic Resort.
Unless he and his pals are secretly all in-love with each other and desperate to consummate it en masse - I doubt very much that a group of grown men who refer to themselves as Lads would appreciate his booking a venue that a woman would sum up as 'romantic'.
8. Why is he the organiser/booker anyway? Is he usually/was he elected as such? I fail to appreciate WHY he would on either count, if, as evidence shows, he'd pick somewhere so transparently romantic/couple-y, would you?
9. "Also, he’s requested parking for one motorbike (his) and one car (why would we go separately???)."
10. Why would he be planning a lovely surprise for you anyway? Is some occasion imminent? Has he ever done that sort of thing before? If not, has anything happened to warrant him wanting to do so now, whether or not you've voiced a desire in the past?
11. Also, if this IS his response to your constant hinting on that score...perhaps his way of trying to smooth over a recent rocky period(?)... surely it would be romantic enough to tell you in advance?
12. His phone never leaves his side. How long has this been the case?
13. £250 and yet you're skint. WHY are you so skint lately?
14. Why should you have anything to lose, let alone 'alot', if it turned out you were wrong? Has he been over-reacting a lot lately to anything remotely negative or have you already accused him recently or before of being up to no good?
The answer, in view of all of the above, seems rather obvious, doesn't it.
Yes, you *can* accuse him without hard facts. Or, rather, you can share your fears with him.
Here's how things SHOULD be: You stumble across evidence to suggest your partner is behaving in suspicious or questionable, maritally-threatening ways. You're only human so it obviously upsets and worries you. You express your concerns to him. Whether he gets fleetingly defensive and angry or laughs his face off, he denies it and supports his denial with concrete evidence and/or explanations that make total sense. In fact, his ego CAN'T WAIT to prove you wrong and show you up to yourself and to he & you as a total numptie! Nor to prove himself 'frequently misunderstood and under-estimated'. You apologise for having jumped to negative conclusions. He accepts the apology because he understands how it feels to experience a wobble plus is flattered that you give a sh*t rather than not.
YOU, on the other hand, foresee his over-reacting to the extent where he actually leaves you, your kid and the marital home.
So WHY do you?
Who plans a romantic get away with the boys? Agree with SusiedQQQ Ask him directly. Texting a woman friend all the time is a red flag!! This weekend was not planned with you in mind. He knows your visiting your friend. Check his phone when he goes to sleep. You must have the conversation ASAP. If all else feels just show up and surprise him...