My husband blames me for missing his mom's death
My husband's mother got diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in 2010. She was very ill and knew she was dying as soon as she was diagnosed. She got put on home hospice in 2012. In October 2014 she passed away. She was in the hospital for two weeks before she passed and he visited her several times during that span. On the day they knew she was going to pass i made it very clear that i wanted to be there too. I even turned around on my way to work to be there, not only for my mother in law but my family and my husband. After being there for several hours we made the decision that he would stay the night, and i would leave to get my stuff i needed to have from work and to take our children home. That i would be up there the next morning and work from the hospital. It was 4-415when i left the hospital and i had to be to work before 5 or i could have possibly lost my job( i am the bread earner for our family). I asked him to help me get the kids in the car because i had to rush to work. He said he wanted to stay in the room but i told him i really needed his help to make it in time. He helped me get the kids in the car and on the way back up he got the call that she had passed. We were only outside for maybe 10-15 minutes. Jump forward to June of 2015. We are constantly fighting, he isn't coming home, and he doesn't think we need counseling. We are separated and sleeping in different areas of our home at this point. This week during one of our arguments, he tells me that he resents me because of the fact that he was not in the room with his mother when she needed him most. He is putting all the blame and hurt that he has on me. He still thinks he doesn't need to get any help. At this point, not to necessarily save our marriage, but to help him over his issues that he is dealing with personally and mentally. We have been together for 10 years and he doesn't think that our marriage is Something to work on? He feels like he has done everything he can since she passed to get over this feeling that he's had. Even though he has only brought it up one time, during an argument, in NOVEMBER and we had made up, or so i thought. Is he right? He says he has people telling him that he is right inn feeling this way towards me and that he is pretty much done. He is looking for places to move into. We have two young children by the way. Has anyone else experienced anything like this, where you have been blamed, or blamed someone else for anything like this? If so how did you get over it? I NEED HELP!
You're the boss. Anything goes wrong and the buck stops automatically with you. That's his attitude, apparently/allegedly.
WHY are you the breadwinner?
Back to this so-called major, deal-breaker of a resentment:
I have a theory but I need more data, please, so can you tell me in quite a fair bit of detail what the quality of your marriage has been like since December? Have you noticed any marked changes in attitudes, behaviour, routines, rituals... - ones which one might say couldn't be attributed directly to his grief over his bereavement?
Agree withSusieQQQ most people are not there at the exact moment of passing. If you're the breadwinner how can he afford to move out on his own? Was there a will that would afford him the means to move?
Hello all. Thank you for the responses.
@SUSIEDQQQ I don't feel so crazy anymore that a complete stranger agrees on some level with me. Thank you for the sanity check.
@SOULMATE I make most of the money in the family. If I didnt have my job, we wouldnt have anything. More data.... actually Dec-May we had a wonderful time from what I could tell. We had fantastic Christmas, he and I attended a number of parties as a couple. We held a nice New Years party. We even took a family vacation at the end of March together. Everything seemed very normal until he started advancing at his place of business. He first advanced Feb... oh poo this is starting to make sense =/.... he stopped coming home after work starting end of May. He first said he was working late or a work event, then he would spend some nights fishing with his friends. Many many times i told him how much it hurt me that he was not coming home. it never seemed to get through. that led to arguments. that then led to a very large argument where i had asked him to stay home and help clean up the house (I had fallen behind with him gone so much) and he refused and said he was leaving to go out with friends. That argument was the end of June and what you would call the end of the relationship. Forth of July we were supposed to have a family trip, he did not attend. At my return he said he refused to stay else where while looking for his own place to live. I told him then we dont have any option but to try our hardest to work on this while he is here then but i agreed maybe we needed some time apart. Even though he agreed to "work on it as hard as we could" he still did not come home after work. I held up every agreement we had made until about two weeks ago when he admitted his resentment towards me still and that he would be leaving. I hope this is enough detail. He and his mom were very close though she did not raise him from his teens onward. She was a wonderful woman whom i miss dearly. I would give anything to have her back :)
@SKINNYGIRL He defiantly is going to be tight with money moving out on his own. At first he admitted he was afraid to move out on his own because of that. In recent days, he is s fed up with the situation (as am I) that he is willing to "risk" it. I am not aware of a will, we had to pay for the funeral along with all his siblings so I am fairly certain she did not have any money to pass along.
"oh poo this is starting to make sense =/"
YIP-ah! I didn't want to say anything before, in case I was being "premature" but... You had that suspicion in you the whole time and I could just about hear it peeking out from behind your questions about, e.g., why he wouldn't want to work on saving something he'd invested so heavily in for so long.
News for you: MOST men do NOT cheat because there's something wrong with the relationship. Oh, they SAY there is/was. But what ELSE are they going to say when caught? - 'I'm just an over-entitled c**t'??? Hardly!
He refused to move out because he never wanted to or believed he'd eventually have to in the first place. HE thought he could have his cake (keep mistress) and eat it (keep wife, house, kids, total wealth and assets of 'his', regardless). And, of course, he refused to 'make hay' out of that still-living-there situation because he doesn't WANT your relationship worked on because THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT/YOU NOR EVER WAS FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW IN THE FIRST PLACE. Least of all any now-defunct 'bitterness' to do with his mother's moment of demise. What *is/was* wrong with it was HIM. And now that the PARENT-DISCIPLINARY/CRITICAL figure is gone, the part-intrinsically spoiled little selfish baby can misbehave without restraint.
Common stuff. A traumatic event acts like a magnifying glass. Whatever is TRULY there in terms of nuts & bolts character, gets magnified. Hence the decent, nice guy becomes a saint ("life is too important, too short, and Hell could be real!") and the (Secret) Basstud Minoris becomes a Basstud Majoris ("eff-it, life's too short not to please my damn self while I can!").
PS: You failed to tell me WHY you're the breadwinner. All you did was provide the definition (which I already know). So can you explain WHY/HOW?
Being blamed by a significant other when a parent passes is very common. Grieving takes as long as it takes, but if you are not in counseling together it is very possible that the relationship will not survive. Remember if only one partner in a relationship is doing all the heavy lifting all the time then it doesn't work.
We hear about what happened and it is tragic. But where do you stand? He had an affair, his mothers' death does not excuse breaking the marriage vows. Where are your boundaries in this relationship? What are your dealbreakers? Is it okay to cheat on you one time, ten times, not at all? What about getting drunk or drugs or staying out all night? What about a big financial purchase do you discuss these things? You see if you know your own boundaries and your partner breaks them, then you already know what to do. It sounds like you are simply procrastinating. When you stand firm because they have broken your trust then he still can choose to do whatever it takes to win you back or simply leave. Less drama. Being accountable for our actions... teaches us to respect each other. It doesn't come across that he is respecting you.
What have you decided?
Sorry late response.
Ok so cheating is not where I was going with this. I was actually going along the bread winning line. I went to college and have a career. He is a high school drop out that I actually helped get into community college for two years to get basics done.
When I said its starting to make sense, I really think he is starting to see he does not need me any more for money or help in any way really. He is kind of finding independence and liking it. Not that I was controlling but I just naturally made more money and paid most of the bills.
I am glad to hear this is a very common thing. I was starting to feel crazy because a lot of the responses I was getting was opposite to that.
It may have taken two months but I realize now that he is breaking his vows like @LIVENOW spoke about. And because of this, this is a deal breaker/boundary to me. His refusal to get help or acknowledge the need for help makes him something that is no longer there and I cannot fight for something that is no longer there. Again, like you said, his mothers death is no reason to break vows.
Maybe some day he will realize the help he/we need but there is no chance at this point if that does not happen. Its unfortunate but I suppose I am not alone. Just FYI I am seeking help. I am a strong person but this is something very large I do not want to take the risk of it consuming me.
Thank you everyone for your comments!
Squeaks, you are very strong and have stated your deal breakers. It is easy to respect your choices and boundaries. You are not alone, there are many who are in relationship quandries.
This will not consume you... you said it is starting to make sense. Keep your head up, you are navigating difficult waters.
It's not unusual for the person who is dying to die after everyone has left the room. I don't know why he's so set on being angry with you. When my mother passed away, I wanted to be there. My wife and I were at the hospital for hours. We decided to go get something to eat and come back. Would have taken maybe 30-45 minutes. We were gone maybe 10 minutes and the charge nurse called my cell and told me she had passed.
What's a person to do? When it happens, it happens. Can't schedule a persons death.
Thank you. I have heard similar and exact story matches now and none with the resentment that my husband holds. Unfortunately he has broken his vows and we are terminating our marriage. At this point, there is no resolution with out assistance and he refuses it claiming he is happier without me.
Thank you to everyone who gave support and examples and happy words. It means a lot in this sad time of my life.
There is an up-side to all this... We are human and most of us are survivors. Given time... Even the a$$hats that gave us grief become nothing more than a memory. So we chuckle at our brief misfortune in life and toast to the blessing the a$$hole is now behind us.
Now that is the kind of stuff that makes me smile :)