That's absurd. Most people don't get to be there when their loved ones pass. So he needs to get over that. The time for her "needing" him was long before she even got sick. That says something about his self centeredness.
He needs counseling ASAP. He's taking his grieve out on you and the kids.
Unless he wants to work on this marriage, then let him go. He really sounds self absorbed and looking for an excuse to get out of this marriage.
WHY are you the breadwinner?
Back to this so-called major, deal-breaker of a resentment:
I have a theory but I need more data, please, so can you tell me in quite a fair bit of detail what the quality of your marriage has been like since December? Have you noticed any marked changes in attitudes, behaviour, routines, rituals... - ones which one might say couldn't be attributed directly to his grief over his bereavement?
@SUSIEDQQQ I don't feel so crazy anymore that a complete stranger agrees on some level with me. Thank you for the sanity check.
@SOULMATE I make most of the money in the family. If I didnt have my job, we wouldnt have anything. More data.... actually Dec-May we had a wonderful time from what I could tell. We had fantastic Christmas, he and I attended a number of parties as a couple. We held a nice New Years party. We even took a family vacation at the end of March together. Everything seemed very normal until he started advancing at his place of business. He first advanced Feb... oh poo this is starting to make sense =/.... he stopped coming home after work starting end of May. He first said he was working late or a work event, then he would spend some nights fishing with his friends. Many many times i told him how much it hurt me that he was not coming home. it never seemed to get through. that led to arguments. that then led to a very large argument where i had asked him to stay home and help clean up the house (I had fallen behind with him gone so much) and he refused and said he was leaving to go out with friends. That argument was the end of June and what you would call the end of the relationship. Forth of July we were supposed to have a family trip, he did not attend. At my return he said he refused to stay else where while looking for his own place to live. I told him then we dont have any option but to try our hardest to work on this while he is here then but i agreed maybe we needed some time apart. Even though he agreed to "work on it as hard as we could" he still did not come home after work. I held up every agreement we had made until about two weeks ago when he admitted his resentment towards me still and that he would be leaving. I hope this is enough detail. He and his mom were very close though she did not raise him from his teens onward. She was a wonderful woman whom i miss dearly. I would give anything to have her back
@SKINNYGIRL He defiantly is going to be tight with money moving out on his own. At first he admitted he was afraid to move out on his own because of that. In recent days, he is s fed up with the situation (as am I) that he is willing to "risk" it. I am not aware of a will, we had to pay for the funeral along with all his siblings so I am fairly certain she did not have any money to pass along.
YIP-ah! I didn't want to say anything before, in case I was being "premature" but... You had that suspicion in you the whole time and I could just about hear it peeking out from behind your questions about, e.g., why he wouldn't want to work on saving something he'd invested so heavily in for so long.
News for you: MOST men do NOT cheat because there's something wrong with the relationship. Oh, they SAY there is/was. But what ELSE are they going to say when caught? - 'I'm just an over-entitled c**t'??? Hardly!
He refused to move out because he never wanted to or believed he'd eventually have to in the first place. HE thought he could have his cake (keep mistress) and eat it (keep wife, house, kids, total wealth and assets of 'his', regardless). And, of course, he refused to 'make hay' out of that still-living-there situation because he doesn't WANT your relationship worked on because THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT/YOU NOR EVER WAS FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW IN THE FIRST PLACE. Least of all any now-defunct 'bitterness' to do with his mother's moment of demise. What *is/was* wrong with it was HIM. And now that the PARENT-DISCIPLINARY/CRITICAL figure is gone, the part-intrinsically spoiled little selfish baby can misbehave without restraint.
Common stuff. A traumatic event acts like a magnifying glass. Whatever is TRULY there in terms of nuts & bolts character, gets magnified. Hence the decent, nice guy becomes a saint ("life is too important, too short, and Hell could be real!") and the (Secret) Basstud Minoris becomes a Basstud Majoris ("eff-it, life's too short not to please my damn self while I can!").
We hear about what happened and it is tragic. But where do you stand? He had an affair, his mothers' death does not excuse breaking the marriage vows. Where are your boundaries in this relationship? What are your dealbreakers? Is it okay to cheat on you one time, ten times, not at all? What about getting drunk or drugs or staying out all night? What about a big financial purchase do you discuss these things? You see if you know your own boundaries and your partner breaks them, then you already know what to do. It sounds like you are simply procrastinating. When you stand firm because they have broken your trust then he still can choose to do whatever it takes to win you back or simply leave. Less drama. Being accountable for our actions... teaches us to respect each other. It doesn't come across that he is respecting you.
What have you decided?
Ok so cheating is not where I was going with this. I was actually going along the bread winning line. I went to college and have a career. He is a high school drop out that I actually helped get into community college for two years to get basics done.
When I said its starting to make sense, I really think he is starting to see he does not need me any more for money or help in any way really. He is kind of finding independence and liking it. Not that I was controlling but I just naturally made more money and paid most of the bills.
I am glad to hear this is a very common thing. I was starting to feel crazy because a lot of the responses I was getting was opposite to that.
It may have taken two months but I realize now that he is breaking his vows like @LIVENOW spoke about. And because of this, this is a deal breaker/boundary to me. His refusal to get help or acknowledge the need for help makes him something that is no longer there and I cannot fight for something that is no longer there. Again, like you said, his mothers death is no reason to break vows.
Maybe some day he will realize the help he/we need but there is no chance at this point if that does not happen. Its unfortunate but I suppose I am not alone. Just FYI I am seeking help. I am a strong person but this is something very large I do not want to take the risk of it consuming me.
Thank you everyone for your comments!
This will not consume you... you said it is starting to make sense. Keep your head up, you are navigating difficult waters.
What's a person to do? When it happens, it happens. Can't schedule a persons death.
Thank you to everyone who gave support and examples and happy words. It means a lot in this sad time of my life.
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