Can't seem to give up on bad marriage
I've been married 7 years now. I still love him even though he's done terrible things to me while high. He never hurt me when we were sober but tried to kill me several times when we were using and I still stayed with him through it all. We are separated right now because of his parole but plan on getting back together in three months ths when he's done. I'm really not the doormat kind of woman but I feel like I am and have lost respect for myself. He even asks me why I stayed with him or his favorite question is "why did you marry a monster like me" well the truth is that when I met him I had list my daughter and my sanity. I was on the streets with nothing and no one and he was the biggest scariest man I found so part of me married him so people would stop hurting me on the streets and also he was the sexy bad boy and I knew he was trouble but at that point I didn't care. Then as my drug use and his escalated things got very dangerous and dysfunctional. I was and am very attracted to him and the sex was always the best I've ever had and we were together 24/7 and did become best friends. He was always begging me to quit drugs and asking me to go to marriage counseling. I was the one who turned him on to shooting up drugs so I felt guilty. But he was right...he is a monster. Yet I still love him. Most times I realize that I don't wanna be with him anymore because of the violence and also cuz he's kind of annoying to be with sober but I also feel guilty for all I put him through. He may have been physically abusive but I broke his mind through mental abuse as payback....since I couldn't ever win physically. Also because he is such a monster no one will ever love him so I feel bad when I think of leaving him. We are both over a year sober now and so I wanna at least try to save the marriage but I'm scared of him and have told him this. He says he doesn't think he will ever hurt me again but still has alot of anger about our past. I do too. And there's more bad memories than good. I see a therapist and I know logically this is unhealthy but I still love him and want him most days. He was there when my family left me for dead and I had no one. I'm scared to leave. Just so confused. And I'm trying to get visitation with our three boys but they say I can't see our kids unless I divorce him. My kids are with my sister and are happy so I have no plans to take them from her but I'd like to see them. Also my daughter who I haven't seen in 8years because my mother took her and has hidden from me all this time....well she's gonna be 18 in less than a year and is the main reason I got sober. I wanna be there for her. But I don't want her around my husband. Obviously I have issues. I don't and won't choose a man over her tho. How do I break things off with him? Every time I try to talk about a divorce he loses his mind and begs me. Any advice would be appreciated.
sounds like my situation. I would get away NOW!! thats all i can say to you. I have horrible attachment issues to the point in which i am throwing up, not sleeping or eating if i don't hear from my daughters dad. BUT one day he tried to kill me and I told the police and he is now arrested and I feel sad somedays but i think about how horrible he has been with me and then i get over it. He has a drug and alcohol problem. I also never spent time with my daughter as he demanded my entire time which i loved because i wanted to be with him 24/7 but it got out of control i had no money no job i left school my family completely disowned me. they said i loved that monster more than my daughter which is NOT true. But jail is probably the best thing for him he can stay sober and stop abusing me and I can FINALLY make money get a career and move out of my mothers. When he gets out i don't think i'll want him anymore or maybe i will but id be too afraid that he'd kill me for real this time. I never had my daughter around him because of the violence.
ALSO, if you break things off you have to be 100% ready because id always try and break up with my childs father and then id rush right back crying to him saying how i need and want him. then we would fight and make up be happy then he'd get mad and violent and there i go again breaking things off and running right back crying. it was a vicious cycle that i couldn't stop until he tried to kill me thats when i was REALLY READY to let go and move on with my life.
If you're sure that you're ready then i would suggest a shelter for battered woman.
Get off the drugs. Stay off the drugs. Get rid of your druggie boyfriend/husband (whatever he is). Find someone who isn't addicted to drugs and doesn't take illegal drugs.
Find a shelter. They're around.
Sounds like this was a relationship based on sex and drugs. You sound like you have grown out of that. Now it's one of fear and guilt on your part and neediness and anger on his. No good to build on. Can you even begin again?
Time to let the past be past. Can you imagine your life in another 5, 10, or 20 years? Where and what do you want for the future?
You have an uphill battle here to try to put this relationship right if BOTH parties are able to do this. Your therapist should counsel BOTH of you or recommend a couples therapist.
May I ask your ages? I thought you might be in your late 20's until you stated your daughter's age.
I'm 38 and have been sober for one year three months. He's 42. Thx for the replies but knot2loud you were a bit harsh. If anyone had read the whole post they'd know what I said. I'm actually hurt over the response. I know I need to leave its just that I have no one. And thx for the shelter idea but I've managed on my own to move out of state n get my own place. And yes we are legally married. Hence me discussing getting a divorce. No one grows up dreaming of being a drug addict or mentally ill. I'm doing the best I can with no one to talk to but my therapist.
I totally regret having posted and if I could figure it out I'd delete it. I am mortified and embarrassed. I thought this was a safe forum
Sorry I didn't coddle you. I wish you the best.
Maybe one of the Moderators of this forum will delete this thread per your request. There are plenty of others to read in its place.
One reason I've never posted on this threat before is because I thought you were the monster. You got the guy hooked, you play games with him that drive him out of his mind. But then you write, "he is a monster."
You say, 1. We are both over a year sober
2. so I wanna at least try to save the marriage
3. but I'm scared of him and have told him this.
4. He says he doesn't think he will ever hurt me again but still has a lot of anger about our past.
5. I do too.
6. And there's more bad memories than good.
7. I see a therapist and I know logically this is unhealthy but I still love him and want him most days.
8.He was there when my family left me for dead and I had no one.
9. I'm scared to leave.
10. Just so confused.
11. And I'm trying to get visitation with our three boys but they say I can't see our kids unless I divorce him.
12. Also my daughter who I haven't seen in 8years because my mother took her and has hidden from me all this time.
13. well she's gonna be 18 in less than a year and is the main reason I got sober. I wanna be there for her.
14. But I don't want her around my husband.
15. Obviously I have issues.
16. I don't and won't choose a man over her tho.
17. How do I break things off with him?
18. Every time I try to talk about a divorce he loses his mind and begs me.
19. Any advice would be appreciated.
Half of your desires are to stay with your husband. The other half are to leave your husband.
Half of your desires are to do what's best for your grown daughter, but you can't do that if you're married to this guy. The other half of your desires are to stay with your husband, who will prevent you from being with your child.
You have equally opposing desires. Your husband is what you want, but doing what is best for your daughter is what6 you want, but the two aren't compatible.
And so what solves it all is the drugs. But the drugs aren't good for you.
I think you had some trauma in childhood, which divided your ego, and you want opposite things equally much. It could be like, borderline personality syndrome. You can't be happy with your spouse, but you're miserable with your spouse. No, wait, that was my marriage. Gosh, I got off track there.
You're doing very good to get off the drugs. You probably need to be away from your spouse, but then you would only be half a person, because you would be by yourself. How about, living away from him, but having sex with him when you want it? But you can't get back to the drugs, but they're probably connected to him and the sex. So if you do the sex with him, you might be doing the drugs, also. So that's a risk.
Also, like me, you can dish it out, but you can't take it. You can attack your boyfriend with the drugs and games, when someone criticizes you a little bit on the board, you can't take it and you want to get off the board and you wish you had never been on the board. Bob Dylan song was something like, "You act just like a woman, but you cry just like a little girl." Which is probably what's going on. If you were abused, you may still be in that younger state, but physically you're a grown woman.
I was typing the above post and the phone rang, and I couldn't decide what to do with the above item because I wasn't finished typing, so I just sent it. Anyway, I don't rem. what I was going to say. Other than, I'm the same way, I can dish it out, but if someone comes at me I can crumble. I don't have a strong ego, either.
As far as venturing out, I've heard a saying that goes, "Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what they are made for."
What might could help you is if you could help somebody else, like doing volunteer work in a hospital or senior citizen home. By helping someone else, you can reverse the flow of energy, from concentrating on you and your problems, to worrying about somebody else's problems. You're helping them, but you're also helping yourself. And who else is better to do that than somebody who has had some problems?
If you could be positive about solving your problems, would help, also. Believing that you can solve them could help the outcome.