My partner's sleepovers at her ex is killing me
Hi, I am writing about my relationship problem here because i have no one to turn to. To give you some background about my relationship, I am a closet lesbian in a long relationship of 10 years. My mother and sister have turned a blind eye and treat my life partner as a roommate/flatmate.
Her parents are friendlier with me but don't acknowledge the relationship either. I am 34 yrs old and my partner is 43 yrs old, we live in a place where gay relationships are not legal so both of us are fine with no one knowing about us.
We have lived together for about 9 years now after dating for a year. I used to work independently but now have joined my partner's business because i am looking at having children, and the work timings is flexible. I have undergone one cycle of IVF that failed in March 2015. I am thinking of doing the next IVF cycle in oct-nov this year.
The problem: My partner of 10 years is spending almost every saturday night sleeping over at her ex's. She also meets this ex for coffee almost every day.
When confronted she denies anything is going on.I do feel threatened by this ex because she is independently rich, works at a big company, where she is highly placed. They have a long shared history as friends as well as lovers (my partner keeps telling me they grew up together) and she is easy on the eye.
More on the problem: My partner and this ex-girlfriend met in college which tuned into a live -in arrangement for a couple of years. They broke up and this ex married a man who passed away two years ago.
This ex has now moved into our city around January this year. During the intial few days, since I was busy with my IVF where my partner wasn't allowed to participate, I didn't mind her going over to her ex's at all hours of the day. After the failed IVF, I had to move on with living every day as a normal one, keeping busy with work. Again I didn't stop her from visiting or spending the day with her ex. Of late my partner has started to spend more time with this ex and go out drinking. My partner and I both agree on not driving home drunk so my partner would stay over at her ex's place. This started to happen evrey saturday for the last 3 months, whereas my partner's parent's home is just a block away from this ex's.
I understand when she says that the ex is new in town and is grieving and also that at her parent's house she would have to give a good excuse for not going home (they frown upon her drinking).
Please help. What am I to do? Is my relationship over?
Why have you put up with this balant disrespectful behavior? Who allows their BF/GF to sleep over at their EX's house! No one. Why are you excluded if there's nothing going on? Stop being a doormat and confront your GF 1) Where does she really stand in this relationship. If she still wants stay with you, then things must change: No More Spending ANY nights. Either you all go out together or no ones gets together.
Are you continuing with IVF if this relationsship end? How will a break up effect your job? I think you already know this relationship was over 3 months ago. Exactly how much more of this will you continue to take?
Hi Skinnygirl, thanks for the reply. to answer your questions, I will have to put the IVF on hold and look for another job if this relationship ends. Being financially independent is very imporatnt for a young mother.
Confronting my partner has not really helped. She doesn't see a problem because according to her its non existant. She continues to feel hurt that i am insinuating an unfound relationship between them. I don't like being this way, nasty and insecure all at the same time. All I have achieved by fretting and getting agitated is riding my bike around town with tears streaming down my face.
I am going to rise above this situation by letting my partner do whatever she wants, that way atleast one of us is happy. If sleeping around makes her happy, so be it. By controlling her or her time with this EX does not make her want to spend time with me instead.
Do I want to raise a child with her ? I don't know. What i do know is I love her very much. Somewhere in our busy routine, I have stopped seeing her as she is and instead see someone who is just a projection of my insecurity. Someone scheming to get away from me, whereas in truth my nagging her is what is driving her away. I have to find in her the person i fell in love with, before its too late.
FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, WHERE IS YOUR SELF-RESPECT?! Your partner is  cheating on you - on its own a dealbreaker,  using as her insurance against being suitably dumped for it your dread (she presumes) of ending up jobless (i.e. deliberately exploiting a fear),  standing there with blood on her hands, denying there's blood on her hands, and then  having the gobsmacking nerve to act like SHE'S the victim of the piece...and yet your so-called response to this is to choose to look the other way for the sake of HER happiness (and screw your own!), and at the same time telling us you don't know - DON'T KNOW???? - if you want to raise a child with her?
If you don't cut this unconscionably exploitative woman from your life then, news for you - you won't be "raising" a child, you'll be allowing it to become irreversibly infected with ANTI-RELATIONSHIP *ROT*. Frankly, not to put a too-fine point on it, you would be complicit in committing child abuse. That poor little kiddie would fare MILES better were you to remain a single parent, even! But don't you *dare* teach it to lie down and let people walk all over it, you hear me?!
I don't CARE if you "love her". I'm sure you wouldn't even BE in love with her if right from the start of dating her she'd always treated you like THIS of all ways, now, would you. Well WOULD YOU? Of course not, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE! So you've effectively been conned, then, haven't you. Now that you are superfluous to requirements, the mask has been allowed to fall off whereupon you can finally see the secret shark underneath.
Your so-called partner CAN'T 'not see a problem' because she's meanwhile *creating and nurturing* one. How can she deny concrete evidence! She is basically *dating* this ex - think about it: almost every Saturday night - prime lover's night! - and coffee almost every day. I mean - do WHAT?! She may as well try to deny the nose on her face! In fact, she's reminding me of that rap song by Shaggy, 'It wasn't me'. It's utterly ludicrous for anyone to deny irrefutable, concrete, non-stop actions like that. What - does she need her head testing?! Oh, and her crime doesn't stop there, either: Even if you were wrong (hardly!), you could well end the relationship because of it. So what is she 'saying' - that a mere friendship with an ex is worth protecting even though it places in serious, SERIOUS jeopardy her entire very acquaintanceship with you ergo life as she knows it and has done for 9 long years? Does that not say it all about where exactly you stand? (And, yes, if there's nothing going on (pff!) then why AREN'T you invited along on the most important night of the week every time?)
DAMN right this relationship is already over. FOR HER. She knows it full-well but is trying to do a lily-pad leap - from her (sham of a) relationship with you back to one with the once-ex minus ANY inconvenience and hardship for her or this ex. (So all along, this relationship evidently had never really ended, then, had it, not mentally anyway.)
Oh, and for your information, ANYONE would have tears streaming down their face, not just you! And ANYONE would be 'nagging' in response to being put constantly through the mill like this - IT'S CALLED PLEADING TO MAKE THEM STOP! And another thing: she doesn't HAVE to spend time with you 'instead', she should just be refraining from spending virtually all her time, including prime lover's time, WITH HER EX! That's WHY exes are referred to as 'ex' - because the format of that relationship is supposed to NO LONGER EXIST! Well, I'm sorry, but choosing to spend almost every lovers' night with someone other than your lover is cheating whichever way you look at it. You are cheating your lover out of an expectation that every other (healthy) lover in the world takes for absolute granted WILL be granted.
I repeat: she is 'scheming' because she has you (she thinks) by the short and curlies. What kind of person would DO that to someone they've shared a home and a life with on the purported basis of true love for 9 long years? Answer: not a genuinely nice one.
'A projection of your insecurity'. Don't talk rot! I defy ANYONE to feel secure with such a cruel and heartless person!
Let me repeat that because you obviously NEED it repeated:
'A projection of your insecurity'. Don't talk rot! I DEFY *ANYONE* TO FEEL SECURE AT THE HANDS OF SUCH A CRUEL AND HEARTLESS PERSON!
Wake up and get real! The person you fell in love with WASN'T REAL, she was just a sustained IMPRESSION!
Otherwise, if she doesn't like being accused of cheating on you, then tell her I said the solution is piss-simple: CEASE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY BEHAVING LIKE YOU ARE!
I suggest you get counselling toute suite.
Hi Soulmate, I hear you loud and clear but I am trying to save this relationship. Today we went out for a dinner and movie, along with this EX. It was my partner's idea.
The dinner conversation was lame with mostly her EX talking. I was being civil, but didn't really care much. During the movie my partner sat between us and was mostly talking to her EX ... i feel very bad about this whole thing.
Dear Soulmate, I know I am taking the easy way out but honestly to go out there and live on my own is going to be so hard. My mom is no support nor are any friends I know who will put me up temporarily. I feel like I am stuck.
Now I am back home and typing this.
@Soulmate Just gave you a "Air High 5 Back!
As usual you're right on point.
@Rankin2102 Take Soulmate's good advice. You would rather let her continue "so that at least one of you is happy" because it's too hard to restore your self respect.Yes will be hard, anything worth doing is always hard. Your GF and her EX have found their fool, and they're bumping your head. Stop being their fool.
Skinnygirl and I are *both* right on point. Where does that come from, do you think? First-, second- and third-hand experience? Theoretical knowledge? Good instincts, insight, wisdom and commonsense? Strong moral compasses? Clear, dispassionate, OBJECTIVE thinking? All of the above?
"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back" (- ancient Chinese proverb).
Trying to save this so-called relationship, WHY? For what purpose? Greater heartache just later down the line? (The woman and exipoo-poos can't even manage to pull off a faux act of placation so what does THAT tell you in terms of where they're both at already!)
It may have been a relationship once, but the way she's for too long been consistently behaving - not any more. Not by sane and healthy standards. A romantic relationship is DEFINED by its monogamousness.
More to the point - where is HER attempt to save this relationship? Answer: NOWHERE! NOT ONE PEEP! Just a PRETEND peep. And prior to that, she took advantage of your being waylaid with IVF and then dealing with your subsequent disappointment to start working on this "friendship". That says this: I'm not getting my usual attention, I'M not putting up with that, ME-ME-ME, I'll get my ego fed from this now-bereft and vulnerable ex. Great! So she's dispensing with you because you can't service her to normal standards AND preying on a woman's vulnerability.
(I don't fancy YOURS much, bleugh!)
Do you know what HAPPENS when only one of you is doing any rowing in that little love boat? It goes nowhere but round and round in circles until it inevitably leaves you emotionally wrung out yet now going round and round courtesy of the resultant vortex.
Trust me on this and ignore the self-paralysing fear-based myth-talk that mental slouches self-servingly, avoidantly spout in order to justify their apathy and fear of the dreaded Change: It is NOT 'harder to be on your own'. Far harder is it to live in a continually, situationally-primed state of expectation and anticipation of receiving love, LOYALTY, respect and support (and the willingness to give practical assistance as stems from these fuel sources) yet never getting them wholly or even partially/adequately met. You end up disappointed and belittled, day after day after bloody day/week/month/year/decade... It is slow suicide - mind first, body passively follows - and that is no mere superlative when depression is the gateway to suicide and stress to cancer/et al.
Conversely, with only yourself to depend and rely on, and knowing and trusting yourself at least to always do what really needs to be done and upheld, you end up feeling LIBERATED. You know constantly where you are. This - following a brief period of grieving - releases a huge, previously locked portion of mental-into-physical energy! HUGE! And this all makes being a single parent - or single parent for real, I should say - a surprisingly manageable weight to bear. Many report it as a doddle compared to "when" (for example, married 'single parents' who then divorce and become such for real).
Furthermore, the pure and unbridled love you receive and feel for your child FAR outweighs that which one experiences in any relationship. Well, BELOW-par ones, certainly, which is what we're dealing with here. Why do you think it is that so many parents have erroneously over the last 50 or more years been putting children first and treating them like they're the automatic, rightful star rather than teaching them how to *work* for such an elevated status by GIVING to and accommodating their pack members rather than solely take-take-taking? It's all connected.
Now, then, I appreciate how your being a single mother sets the scene for that very 'child pedestal-ing'. But that outcome is not automatic. It's up to YOU to teach by demonstration that the child must give (in its own way/style befitting its age-related capability) as equally as it receives when it comes to over and above the normal proportionate rights. Because what you're actually doing when you do this, is teaching the child HOW TO LOVE.
Love. Not Cupboard-Love.
This is your "girlfriend's" problem. Evidence suggests she's not been taught real, reciprocal, MATURE-style love as is illustratively contained in this very wise philosophical adage: "I do not love because I am loved. I am loved because I love". (Talk about a chasmic difference between two attitudes?!) And the same should go for the other member of that two-person society. For that is what you will create/become when you become a mother: a micro society - a constituent of the larger society ('community'
- a constituent of the macro society ('nationals'
- a constituent of the global society ('world'
. A sum of parts that all belong to the one whole, the one machine.
What happens to a machine's operability when one of its parts/cogs is grinding, labouring and faltering due to lack of servicing and maintenance/preservation? THE MACHINE BREAKS DOWN.
Welcome to reality as viewed from as high as the Moon. This is NOT your personal, exclusive problem. That child will be everybody's adult, a societal unit, a 'ripple'-maker (whether predominantly negative or positive), tomorrow. So what do you want most? Short-lived self-gratification or (once you're done grieving and ready to find the better match for you) a sweeter, more pleasant world where all its occupants see "trees of green, red roses too, I see them blossom, for me and for you, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world" AND BEHAVE TOWARDS IT AND ALL ITS OCCUPANTS ACCORDINGLY?
I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and [then] let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside [and could apply if just shown how]
Give them a sense of pride [in being a healthy, fully-functioning specimen]
To make it [their lifetime] easier
Let the children's laughter [- the proof of happiness]
Remind us how it
Sounds melodramatic. Isn't. But that bigger picture IS that simple, thus that crucial when it comes to you making a decision based around what is RIGHT, what is HEALTHY, what is FAIR, what *should* be 'god'-given.
What did YOU do so wrong, then, eh? What's YOUR huge so-called crime that earned you this emotional prison sentence of being treated like sh*t on someone that matters to you's shoe? Did you run over her Granny in your 4x4 and then reverse back over for good finishing-off measure?
Hearing is not the same as (hearing + thinking) = listening. So LISTEN ("damn you, Scarlett!", LOL):
You are not taking 'the easy way out', you are taking the HARDER way. Just trust me and Skinnygirl on that.
We get over someone and recover FAR FASTER than we always imagine we will. When we DON'T, it is not the person/the relationship we are unable to get over (despite we put it down to them). It is something further back than that which the rejection re-triggered to the surface. But if your heart is ready to self-replicate - and for the right reasons - then that does not include you.
Start to take [scuse pun] baby steps towards finding another job towards finding your own pad and then do the deed and prepare to be surprised. That your ex-to-be and her not-ex invited you out was a deliberately cooked-up conspiracy. How they behaved on the night, proved it!
If you want your hand held or as far as guided step-by-step through the break-up and beyond - into motherhood - then that is a facility on offer here. There are no time or post limits. You are *not* alone ("sha'mone!"
PRACTICAL STEP ONE: Force yourself, by rote if necessary, to start applying for jobs. (Break that down on a To Do list into tiny unit actions with a target of one or two per day.)
...And that's ALL you need to do. Trust me. The rest will come automatically and naturally like a positive snowball.
Question: have these friends or your parents ever behaved towards you as they currently do with you SINGLE at this precise age/stage? And what about, on from there, a baby of yours in your mix? Course not, it's never happened and you don't have a crystal ball. Situations and circumstances change = feelings change = ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS change. Trust me - you can't keep the basstuds AWAY when you've got a cute little bubba that they want to coo over!
Has it even occurred to you that these friends and your parents secretly have never taken to your "partner"? Has it occurred to you that with you free of this ("Ermahgeerd!"
lesbian union they might see it as their chance to bring you back into their heterosexual fold? So WHAT if that's their agenda to begin with? When needs must, tools is tools.
Has it also crossed your mind that if your ex is doing this deliberately to manipulate back your attention then her noticing you (vibe-first) start to make moves to leave her (and WITHOUT needing a flippin' taxi-cab on legs), she might well sit up straight and behave herself?
Your fears are no reflection on the coming reality. Imagination comes with this design fault included, but that's all it is (and it has a lot to answer for).