I don't know what to do
To begin, no guys really like me usually. There have been a fair amount, but usually they're extremely creepy or just really not for me. So almost a year ago, I talked to a guy for a few hours at an event. We actually knew each other for years before but had never really talked before. We talked (texted) every single day for almost 4 months. We talked about everything:movies, thoughts, interests, hopes, plans, school. It was great and very quickly I liked him a lot. The slightly odd thing was that I was 15 and he was 18...but it didn't seem too strange to either of us. And now at this point, I'm 16 and he is 19.
Then, after 4 months we hung out one night. We talked and whatnot and kissed for like several hours. It could have led to more, but I didn't particularly want it to. Well after that night he pretty much stopped talking to me.
That was the beginning of December. He would then talk to me very sporadically mostly over snapchat. It would usually be for a few days he'd talk to me a lot. Then he wouldn't for a couple of weeks. This repeated again and again and again and again for several months. It was so emotionally hard and I didn't understand what he was thinking.
I didn't want to confront it or ask him anything or end the "relationship" because at this point I liked him so so much-which sounds stupid, I know. But I cared about him so much on such a deep level,more than myself even. I don't know if he ever knew that. There were many hard nights and days, trying to understand.
Then more recently (within the last couple of months) the sporadic talking became more sexual. And it became evident that he just wanted sex. There was no more actual talking anymore about anything substantial. He didn't want a relationship not even like a FWB, just sex. I've never been that kind of girl though so I basically said no. But I didnt completely, because despite everything I couldn't shake my feelings for him, and I guess I liked that someone finally liked me (in some sense) and I liked him back. But then at one point he said he wanted to date me and would like to live with me even. But we've never dated or even been close to. The mixed messages are just so confusing.
A few days ago, I asked if I could talk to him in person because we pretty much had talked in person like 3 times. And I just wanted to hash out my feelings once and for all and figure out where he was at and explain everything I was thinking and feeling. He then explained to me (in text) how he thought he was ruining me and that he wasn't good for me in any way. And he was saying how he's a douchebag and a relationship would never work. Etc, etc.
Also this "relationship" is mostly secretive. A few people know some details but for the most part it's just between us because I think we both know how messed up it is some where inside. But it's hard because my closest friends know him, and I know for a fact it would not end well if I told any of them. It's hard not being able to talk to anyone,which I guess is why I'm posting this..
Anyway, I still wanted to talk to him in person, even if it was for the last time, if nothing else just to get my feelings out and leave things mostly resolved. So I asked if he would meet me tonight. But I can tell he doesn't want to. So I'm not going to be able to get any kind of resolve or peace. I don't know what to do. I've never felt this way about anyone. And I know maybe I shouldn't. I just want things to at the very least be resolved. I can't handle this anymore. I need to at least talk to him..just once. I'm just so lost. And he doesn't want to talk but I need to. I just keep crying because I can't take any more of this emotional strain.
"You'll never find the right guy, holding on to the wrong one"Honey, let him go. it's hard but you will eventually move on and find someone else. Someone you deserve and who finds and wants more from you than just sex. Hangout with friends and get into some hobbies. You don't need a guy to make you feel happy. In time you will see that. Good luck and have a happy day