State of resignation (dating)
R3D - Aug 4 2015 at 19:21
Lately, I have just been feeling very resigned about dating. Now I am sure many of you are familiar with this dynamic of mine, however, before, I still had this fighting attitude before where I was stressed out and all, so I wasn't exactly resigned before, but just upset.
Ever since I have gotten back seriously into tournament chess, that has now transformed into as I said, a resigned dynamic. Basically, I am beginning to not take it as hard that I am an obsolete dating prospect because that's the self-perception that has begun to solidify within me. I have been spending very little time over the past month on the Internet reading or posting about LSRHBDC (love, sex, relationships, heartbreak, breakups, dating, and courtship) probably because I am into chess now and am trying to learn opening theory at the moment. I remember a few of you recommending that I stop poisoning my mind with all this stuff, and honestly, what it has done is caused the transformation in my attitude described above. I have basically started to accept that I am just not good enough for dating, and there is no reason why I should expect to have any success in this department, as distressing as it is. My "specs" just aren't on par, at least the ones that are critical when it comes to dating. Let's take a look.
First of all, I'd just like to reiterate (a lot of this is old news for folks familiar with my content) that I have tried to be as resourceful as I could and no matter what I did or didn't do, no matter how much I cared or didn't care, I still remain to have never received the slightest hint of interest from a girl, platonic or romantic. At concerts I recently attended and continue to attend, just in doing the best I can, within my school's group, I was the punchline where girls would jokingly suggest one of their friends that they hook up with me, followed by sheer and utter refusal in a mocking way. So for future concerts, the only idea that makes any kind of sense is for me to venture outside my school group, which is what I am probably going to end up trying, not even with the sole intention of hooking up. My whole life, I have gotten practically zero attention from girls. Moreover, as discussed before, my entire social development has been jacked up (like really behind). Possible factors for this is sheltered and relatively strict upbringing and a bad social foundation to start with right from elementary school (I was an outcast there too). I mean I have never had a curfew because there was very few times a call or need for me to be out late. I turn 18 in less than six months. 18 in less than six months, and never had a curfew...I mean you can't get uglier than that.
Dating these days, I notice is so "red flag" based. The slightest deviation from conventional rules or indications of "red flags" can mean game over. From what I have seen online, both genders these days are extremely judgmental over the most trivial of matters when it comes to potential lovers. I personally, am very open-minded about the kind of girls I am willing to date, but this may also be because I am completely inexperienced. I don't care about a girl's sexual past or anything petty like that. I mean...do I seem like someone who has any chance at passing these filters? I don't think I am, after realizing that practically nearly all the things I am bad at or the qualities that can be perceived as negative about me, are supposed to be lethal when it comes to dating. I am inexperienced leading to perpetual desperation (no matter what I do), slow-witted, extremely analytical and left-minded, so far always rendered unattractive to girls, and have always been socially "poor" and isolated. I am also quite prone to neediness, particularly because with everything I do, at first I become obsessed with it in the early stages, so it's very likely that the same trend would occur with a reciprocated romantic interest. Moreover, because I am so deficient in terms of receiving any interest from girls in the past, I am likely to naturally fall for anyone I am attracted to that reciprocates my interest. I don't have a lot of emotional fortitude. I am years behind in social development. I am probably going to collapse from the psychological pressure of dating. There's no reason why I should even get dates, let alone have any relationship potential. And I am afraid that there's nothing I can do to change this. I have stressed so much over this in the past and have tried everything conceivable to cure some of these issues.
If this was anything else that wasn't so significant, I would have resigned long ago and not looked back. But this is just impossible to ignore. I am nearing my sexual prime statistically. I have carried such intense romantic/sexual dreams that are very difficult to get rid of. No matter how much I try to divert myself, with chess for example, the intense desire is prevalent and inevitable.
I can show you, I probably swiped right at least 80% of girls on Tinder age 15-17 within 15 miles, and over three months, I made perhaps 5 matches out of the hundreds of times I swiped right or selected the green heart, only one of which responded with any sort of possible intention to meet up, and then sadly with the one successful match I did make, technical difficulties arose and she was no longer on my list for some unknown reason.
Let's talk about inexperience briefly: hugged a girl once for the first time at 17, slow danced with a girl once at 17 for the first time, (for two minutes), never had a platonic female frien never kissed, never dated, never done anything sexual or romantic
And really, regardless of my experiences, much rather lack thereof, the real new stuff, I have lost respect for the dating scene. How over-critical, picky, and judgmental many people are when selecting a partner, extremely sensitive red flag detection, the level of precision one needs with all their actions and emotional investments, power games, manipulation, etc. It's as if people are constantly inspecting the other person to see if they can just yank out that tiny red flag to break up with him or her over. I am slowly beginning to reach the conclusion that better than having to deal with all that nonsense is just remaining single for the rest of my life or wait until some bizarre occurrence happens where I get a girlfriend naturally without having to go through all this craziness (heard some stories of this). At this point, I am so tired of just hearing about all this garbage for the past few years, while I even worse, have been unable to get any experience with it, so now my first encounter, which if it had occurred earlier in my life when I wasn't so artificially jaded I could have blindly perhaps enjoyed, is now going to be all jacked up as well. There's going to be sheer disaster. I am going to severely over-hype, if I am ever not too obsolete for someone, and fall for her like ripe fruit. I will likely rush everything (because that is my natural tendency in all areas of life, to advance very quickly in whatever I do), and scare off the girl. It's going to be game over immediately. At this point, my view of the overall dating scene is basically, "Fuck that shit."
My severe inexperience, obsolete specs, and the extremely sensitive and difficult nature of the modern dating scene pretty much put me out of the question as a potential dating prospect or sexual partner. And if I ever experience heartbreak, it will probably hit me very hard because not only will I have to deal with what everyone else deals with when it comes to losing someone you love, bu I will also be thinking, "The one girl I finally succeeded in attracting after all that, is now gone," reaching a new level of demoralization because unfortunately, in that scenario I will be back to square one where my chances are already so horrible. It's not as if I will be able to just shortly after get into a rebound relationship like the average person, but be in a position where my chances of ever getting into a relationship are certainly not over 50%, like right now. And that's if I ever get a girlfriend, which as I said, it's hard for me to estimate that I even have a 50% chance at that.
And we haven't even begun to talk about room for me to be selective (beyond physical attraction). I know I just criticized that, but I was referring to the people that are so inquisitive and focused on detecting flaws in their dating partner or those who have a laundry list of requirements. But there's nothing wrong with having personal preferences. Any selectivity that I would practice would be much less specific and a lot more reasonable, I think. The main trait I can think of that I extremely personally value in a girl is intelligence. I absolutely adore smart and/or somewhat nerdy girls. Girls that are left-minded, basically. All I want is a smart girl that treats me relatively well and is reasonable about most things, that I have chemistry with. There are no specific requirements I personally have, beyond whether I am simply attracted to a person or not. I have no intentions (or really the power in the first place) of red-flag hunting or anything petty like that, unless there is an actual problem that concerns me. I am not saying that I am going to let anything fly, per se, but you know...I am not going to stress and be so inquisitive and try so unnecessarily hard to find red flags like many seem to do, because I find it petty and annoying, and this is primarily what has made me lose respect of the dating scene in general.
I am getting back to therapy every other week and eventually once a week if possible. As you can see, I have now reached a resigned state with regard to dating, in which I am no longer stressing over matters, but rather now internalizing that things are hopeless for me.
The difference in dynamic is that instead of before where I was actively stressing about these things most of my waking hours, I now more have this resentful and resigned attitude where these beliefs and perceptions about myself and dating are simply becoming solidified and ingrained in my heart, rather than having to actually think about them.
Just clear your head from everything that you've learned online about dating. If you see someone you're interested and attracted to then go over and introduce yourself and ask them how they are doing and go from there. Be confident and be yourself. Perhaps talk to girls who you have things in common with. Like if you have the same class together or something. Humor is good as well. Don't open up so deeply at first. That should help a little with getting attached
Yes, social media is set up in such a way that it allows people to be selective about dating others. The good old fashioned 'boy meets girl' routine is a thing of the past. There was no better way of getting to know someone, learning about their basic values and standards and their outlook on life by using actual face to face communication.
The biggest problem is that you don't realize that there is a girl out there, possibly whom you haven't met as yet. While you spend time posting a lengthy preamble, and building a negative and resentful and somewhat resigned attitude, you need to recognize that you are, after all, only 17 going on 18 years old and have a whole life ahead of you. When the right girl comes along, it won't matter what she looks like, or whether she's left minded, it'll be what's inside that counts..and she'll knock you off your feet. Red flags won't exist and she'll be the one you will have a chemistry with as you state. It's that simple.
You'll then look back and wonder just what all this stress was about. With all due respect, your issue is a 'storm in a teacup' compared to what real life will throw at you and you need to focus on what you do best and put yourself 'out there', just as you are. Be very aware that if you harbor and nurture negative feelings, those feelings will flow through your personality and will be a turnoff to anyone, and that includes the girl of your dreams.
"Don't open up deeply so soon." Sorry, but I probably will. I am not the kind of guy to fiddle around and be closed off and honestly, I don't think I will have much control over how quickly I get attached or how soon I open up. I just will on my own, and it will probably be very quickly because that is just how I am. I am not the kind of guy to take things slowly. I like rapid advancement, with anything I do.
And this is another thing that makes me lose respect for the dating scene. The fact that getting attached is viewed as a bad thing that people punish and all these emotional head games that are promoted.
To the second reply, yes and if and probably when that girl breaks up with me, I will probably be in an even worse position because I will be back thinking how I am now, then with the possibility that there is no one else and I am doomed to be single forever.
And the other thing is about this "storm in a teacup", the primary reason I am naturally doing this is because I am so fucking inexperienced and I can still, for many years, only imagine what it would feel like to have a reciprocated romantic interest.
Normally, persistence, going through downfalls, etc is not a problem for me. It's just THIS thing I don't want to deal with. This dating crap. And with most things, it's totally fine to not pursue them if they're not your thing. The problem is I can't fucking do that with dating. I can't just switch off my romantic/sexual desires. Therefore, it's so irritating because I am practically forced to go through all this LSRBHDC crap when in actuality, I wan't nothing to do with any of that craziness, well...except the "love", "sex", "relationships", not the "breakups", "heartbreak", "dating", and "courtship" part - that I don't want to deal with and/or want any part of.
Who at 18 wasn't inexperienced. You want to meet a girl, she falls immediately for you, have sex and live happily ever after. Not gonna happen. If you don't want to date, avoid breakups, hardships then go get with a prostitute, they don't require any courtship, dating, none of the core parts of what a relationship is built on.
You can be as rapid/ fast as you want, you get all the sex you want.
You're only 18 your adult life has just begun. Women need the courtship (dating) you'll learn this as you mature. Women are driven by their feelings, their emotions.
Love is putting the other person needs/wants before yours.
I didn't mean rapid advancement with sex, but if you notice, I was actually referring to the emotional part as well. And I've noticed that people seem to be different in this respect too. Some like to move slowly and others....and really, as I said maybe in other places, it's pretty much inevitable how quickly I will get attached. Again, I am not going to unnaturally try to hold back or anything as that will just ruin the experience.
And I guess what I was trying to say is that so don't want to deal with all the arbitrary dating rules and crap, such as "red flag" hunting, "maintaining attraction", "customs", etc. I feel like it's much better to just forget about that shit and evaluate the relationship subjectively in those respects. Because I have heard of relationships for example in which the couple was exclusive after one date and those that weren't for over a year. This, in my speculation, depends on both the people involved and the relationship itself. I don't think this is something that can objectively be evaluated. That's what so was trying to say, that I don't to follow arbitrary rules or stress over all this other nonsense (like maintaining attraction should be natural, not something I have to stress over) and rather just go with the flow and not have to stress so much over things.
Actually, I don't really care about how early or late sex comes. By rapid advancement, I meant emotionally.
"Actually, I don't really care about how early or late sex comes."
Heh-heh... This is my "I really believe you" face ---> ;-p
Like Attracts Like ("Limpet desperately seeking Lady Limpet...") and if you're not a common-or-garden type of cog in this giant machine then, although your particular pool of soulmates will be slightly lesser in number than those of a more conventional/bog-standard personality type, the *quality* will more than compensate. But you have to get out and about and have a variety of fun, AND CEASE TRYING TO CONTRIVE USING YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS. So you're 'unnaturally holding back' without even realising, Mr Let's Rationalise Everything.
The type YOU are, love will "getcha-getcha-getcha" (-name the 80s hit!) when you're not looking and least expecting it BECAUSE that'll give your inner naked ape free rein to get on with masterfully doing its natural "thang" without constant interference and impediment from your inner human that it never wanted nor needed in the first place. Additionally, it'll getcha when you're doing something you love or soaking up the atmosphere of a place you love (preferably both), because - fact - that's when we're at our most attractive... when we are relaxed, wearing that Mona Lisa smile or are laughing our faces off.
Bet you a Tenner you meet the first love of your life at, say, a Chess tournament! But first you have homework to do:
(Another fact:) life has a way of propelling you or, this case, holding you back depending on whether or not you still have character aspects that need developmental 'finalising', honing or polishing. Yes, you are very left brained; that much is obvious from your first opening paragraph, Spock ol' chum. But what about your right hemisphere from where sense of humour and intuition hail? It could patently do with pumping iron on a serious scale (sounds like the start of a poem - isn't) so that you're a more rounded/complete individual. Because qualities, as Manalone rightly states, radiate from your whole vibe. A vibe is what carries all this personal-informative data in elusive, un-articulable yet subconsciously registrable, readable and instinctually understandable format as produces in the other a general sense, a general FEELING. It's that which attracts first and foremost, and which ignoramuses everywhere erroneously put down to looks and other more easily identifiable/classifiable qualities.
Otherwise, explain Woody Allen's success with the ladies. ;-) I will: humour demonstrates the well-pumped possession and applicability of EMPATHY, without which a successful, satisfying, healthy, romantic relationship AND father-child relationship just isn't possible - something women instinctively sense and are drawn to.
Care to tell me your all-time favourite joke or short anecdote?