I'll try to keep this short. My wife and I have been together almost 8 years. We lost a child at 5 months early in the marriage, and managed to make it through that, but I'm not sure we healed together or even properly for that matter. About 2 years after this, she cheated on me with a co-worker and it's taken a lot to attempt to get over that. I still find myself resentful at times (usually when we get into an argument) making me think it residually sits below the surface. We have two more children now, one a half year old and another that just turned two. I care about her a lot and always have. Just recently we moved back to where we are from to be closer to family and I find myself questioning a lot of things.
I feel we don't communicate well, mostly when it comes to serious things in the relationship that need talked about. Talking about our day or something minuscule is never an issue. This lack of communication escalates problems on my end because she shuts down and I get the silent treatment. This frustration just adds gas to the fire and then I can become a jerk. I also notice she will make bigger decisions without me, and it's wearing thin on my patience. My father abandoned my mom when I was little, and I would never do that to my kids. I'm just not sure what to do because I find myself fed up with things and I want to be happy again. Maybe it's a mid life crisis at 32, not sure. What I do know is life is short and I have too big of a heart to be stressed like this always. Any suggestions are welcomed. Thank you.
There's always trials and tribulations in life and your unfortunate loss of a child was an event which either bought you closer together or pushed a wedge between you. Going by your post, your marriage has not coped well and, without being judgmental, it's at the stage now where you are lacking trust because of your wife's actions with a co worker. Communication is also suffering and the silent treatment from your wife when you guys argue is another crack in the wall of your marriage.
If your wife is making decisions without your input,then she's basically on her own and her actions are speaking. All successful relationships need constant input from both partners and if you are the only one contributing, then no wonder you're feeling the way you are. Counseling may assist you guys but you both have to have the need to do it...and follow through with it. Realistically, after what you have posted, you alone will need counseling.
You won't have to abandon your children as you fear, rather, it's your choice of realizing that your marriage is basically going nowhere at the moment and has been rocky for a substantial period of time of your 8 years together. Just as two people make a marriage, two people also, ultimately, destroy one. Your children need you to be happy and you will need to make some serious decisions as to where you can regain your happiness and importantly, your health and well being.
Thank you as that does make sense. I've suggested counseling, but it always gets rejected. So I will likely have to go myself. The issues regarding the silent treatment I might have described incorrectly. It's when I want to discuss an important issue pertaining to us (area I think we need to work on), our family, etc. that she closes up. Closing up during an argument I guess I could understand, as it's a way to avoid the situation or argument as a defense mechanism. The affair she had was about 3 years ago, but as with anything the scars remain. Also, with any scar sometimes I have to look down at it, but have learned to live with it. I think I find myself looking at her differently, maybe after all of this, or maybe just after time passing. We cannot be intimate because she feels pain when we try, so that adds to the picture. She hasn't been told anything from doctors except that it can be painful after 3 c-sections, and that this is normal. I've tried to express that I feel like she doesn't feel motivated/connected to me mentally, sexually, etc. so it's tough. I guess I'm at a point where I don't know what to do so in turn have come looking for an answer.
Batman- Agree counseling is need. If she continues to refuse to go then you go.
I'm no doctor but after having 3-c-sections myself, this pain is not normal.Suggest you both go for a second opinion, does this mean no more sex?
ps: It will take both of you to make your marriage work. She appears not to care about you or this marriage. It's important that you get some counseling to help you cope with your situation.
Not being intimate only adds to the frustration. Educate yourself on C-Sections, hope she is open to getting a second opinion.
Correct, Skinnygirl. My daughter was born in January and the last time we were intimate was probably around the time we found out she was pregnant... so I'm assuming a year, possibly longer. Sex isn't the only thing that matters to me obviously, but it does make things more stressful when missing. I've voiced to her that either I sometimes wonder if she really loves me, or that there are issues with our relationship. It upsets her and she tells me she doesn't see the problems herself. I'm just trying to be honest with her in regards to what I see. She has the tendency to be very bossy/dominant. I think it stems from her desire to be independent. Potentially also issues with past men in her life, or issues caused by her dad leaving her mom for someone else. I'm not a therapist so it's hard to pinpoint. I don't want to throw the towel in, but this has been ongoing for a long enough period that I can say it's getting to me. I think I might have mentioned it earlier but she completely turns away when I mention we get counseling. I can't stand the thought of me not being able to see my kids every day, but I understand Manalone's point that I need to be happy too. I think a lot of times I prioritize others needs over my own.
There are many issue here, including what I'm picking up is that you still hold this affair over her head, like a punishing stepmother, and then wonder why she clams up.
Professional marital counseling is a must. You know that, so make it happen. Go alone, if needed.
Let us know how you feel after you have gone to counseling.
I don't hold it over her head. There are times when it has been brought up, but it's not often. We never really talked about what happened. She just swept it under the rug and I never received closure. I'm sure that affects me, but that was a dark point in my life I try to not dwell on. I lost a child then not even two years later she was messing around. That's a 1-2 punch if I ever saw one. I will say at that point I felt like I had nobody in my corner. I survived it though, and need to know if she's going to be there. The clamming up occurred prior to the affair so I can't logically point the blame on it being referenced.
I will seek counseling. Scheduling will be tough, as she works swing shifts (days, nights, weekends), then has national guard duty out of state. I pretty much work every day then have to watch them nights and weekends so I rarely have time to myself. Currently she is on her 2 week gig so I've been driving 3+ hours a day just to get the kids to their sitter then to work. I'm burnt out but she'll be returning soon. I do feel we residually hold anger as we get short tempered with each other easily. I'm just fed up with stuff like that. I know the change has to be mutual, and that is hard to envision happening.
She not being truthful when she says she doesn't see the problems,she sees it. I'm suspect about her "pain" maybe an convenient excuse not to have sex.
You have to love your self enough to make "you" a priority.
Keep in touch and good luck.
So yesterday I spoke with her on the phone (she's still out of state for guard duty), and mentioned many of these items. I didn't yell, I didn't blame or throw anything in her face, I was sincere. I told her that everyone deserves happiness. I told her I love both her and the kids, but I'm not getting what I would like out of our marriage. I mentioned how it seems like she always brushes off issues I bring up, and stuff just stays the same when the dust settles. It never changes or gets better. I told her how I feel that this marriage isn't something she wants to work on, and that it kind of feels like she's just with me because it's stable (which only seems logical based off of our current issues). I mean, we don't have deep discussions, or sex, or really do much of anything aside from spend time with the kids. The latter I will blame on a lack of time I suppose.
It really feels like we're two oars in a boat and I'm the only one in motion at times, so we go nowhere, just spin in circles. Then she told me she had to call me back because she had to go get food. No response to what I said, no rebuttal, no questions. She just brushed it off, and it always happens this way. She sent me a text later in the evening asking me if I calmed down. The thing is that I wasn't even mad/outraged on the phone, just frustrated. This morning on facebook she posted something on my wall saying "marriage is easy, your wife does whatever she wants, and you do whatever she wants." While I try to be positive and find the humor in that, it mirrors my situation similarly. I hate the way I feel right now because I feel so confused and lost. I don't know what to do when she just seems to not understand what I'm saying.
First of all STOP pretending that she doesn't understand, she fully understands. Stop pretending you're confused and lost and don't know what to do.
Her dismissive response to you was "have you calm down yet. As if you're some child having a tantrum.
Action speaks louder than words. Are you ready to take Action? You're wife isn't going to change, nor is she willing to consider your feelings, needs or wants. She's a very selfish person. Nothing is going to change until you do. Make an exit plan, you've talked enough.
Sounds like you two have different outlooks here about marriage. You are dissatisfied with the lack of intimacy, she is dismissive about the concept ("do what you want.") That's a message for you to move on.
If this is intolerable for you, then make the changes you need - but go to a counselor to help you through the process.
(There is also much help with military clergy. Lord knows they have heard situations like this. But is sounds like she is pushing you away in hope that you will leave her, since she doesn't have the courage to call things as they are)
She's trying to tell me that she wants us to work out. I mentioned yesterday when we went to dinner together that I don't think she will put the effort into our marriage that it needs. She didn't really reply with anything, but overall the evening was nice. She was attempting to hold my hand in the car, but I noticed we did not kiss the entire time. Maybe my issue is just that I mentioned problems I noticed for so long and nothing was done that I don't have the drive to try anymore, I'm not sure.
Maybe another woman could fill me in that's had children. She said the pain she is feeling could be caused by nursing after the c section/s (that's apparently what a doctor told her). I'm not sure, and don't know enough to put in my own two cents. Like I said before, I am starting to feel like we aren't very connected mentally/emotionally either. I feel like part of me wants to stay and try, and another part of me feels nothing will change just like the past. I guess I'm worried I'll make the wrong decision.