Don't know what to do!
S_ANN87 - Aug 8 2015 at 22:08
I have been with my partner for four years and we are due to get married next year. But I don't know if I want to be with him. I have anxiety issues and issues to do with trust (I was cheated on before). My boyfriend has had his issues when I first met him he had a serious drinking issue now he just binge drinks although not every day. He has had serious self harm issues before too which has meant I have had to call ambulance and he has been hospitalised. Everyone has their issues and I can cope with that. But he has a problem when it comes to talking to other women. I have found him signed up to various websites where u go to meet people in your area and also chat rooms. He says he has no interest in meeting them he only want conversation but how am I to believe him. I have also found him talking to people on Facebook saying he wishes he was in bed with them. I have his Facebook password and all his log ins so he knows I will find out but that doesn't stop him. He always does it after a drink and it always happens when I work nights at work. It's got to a point where is affects my health I can't sleep at work- I'm a carer. And my ibs flares up because of it. I love him but I don't want to be taken for a fool. I have asked him to stop drinking but he won't. He quit social media for a while then went back to it. I can't speak to anyone I know because I don't think it fair that I will moan to them not do anything about it then expect them to be okay with him being with me and doing stuff together.
I'm just a bit lost.....
Your being taken a fool. . .he needs to change or you should move on I would suggest.
This guy has issues which only he can solve. If he has serious drinking problem, then you should be well aware that excessive alcohol and marriage do not work well together. Regardless, if he is talking to other women after he's been drinking, then you need to realize that alcohol doesn't lie and that what you see is the true person speaking.
The fact that you have his FB logon and he's somewhat blase about that you will find out who he's communicated with and what about, tells us that he just expects you to 'cop it on the chin'...and that alone, makes you look like a fool.
Step back and understand that you need to find your happiness with someone who respects you and treats you the way you would expect from a four year relationship with marriage looming on the horizon. One things for certain, if he ever reaches the stage where he needs to sober up, he'll do it whether you are with him or not. You, on the other hand, don't need to hang around to wait and watch it happen.
Yes, you may love him but ask yourself if you really need him.
I agree with MANALONE. This sounds like it's becoming toxic. It's natural to feel jealousy, but this is sounding obsessive and will come to no good end unless a miracle happens. In my experience miracles are extremely few and very very far in-between. There will always be anxiety in life and stuff that will stress you out, but this sounds more like self-punishment rather than the natural anxiety that comes with the everyday problems like work, bills, and life in general. I suggest you leave him. If you feel like "but what if he can change? What if I can change him? What if..."
Don't. There's no what ifs. There's only now. Spend your time doing what makes you happy now, because life is short. Drop him. Do things that make you happy. Focus on your needs and most likely when the time is right the right guy will come along. And don't worry about the cheating thing. That's a form of toxic thinking. When you're in a relationship neither of you own each other or owe each other a thing. You're volunteering your time and self because you unselfishly want them to benefit from your efforts. Of course there is a point when such actions aren't beneficial to either party and it becomes almost parasitic. In a good relationship both try to do things for each other without selfish attachments. Of course no relationship is perfect, but the idea is we do things out of love and not because of sex or some obsessive need to improve someone else. That's an unhealthy desire to control a situation that you have no control over and never will. You can only control yourself in life. Yeah cheating will happen. Yeah bad stuff will happen. But only you can improve you.
There are quite a few places you can find more information so you can feel more at ease to make a decision.
First AA deals with drinking issues, but since you do not say you have a drinking issue but him... try Al-Anon, for friends and families of those who drink... I know you did not say he was an alcoholic. Most are unaware that this group helps with drinking issues even if you feel your partner is not an alcoholic. Keep in mind, you cannot change him, cure him, live for him, you can only do these things for yourself. You can be supportive if you choose that, whether or not you stay together.
You have his passwords, his information? You check up on him regularly, this has to be time consuming. You state this is a trust issue... it causes your ibs to flare up yet you still take the time to checkup. Is this the best choice for you? Is there something else you would rather do? It may feel more secure having the ability to spy on someone close but the reality of that process is draining... with anxiety would that time better be spent doing something more enjoyable or would it increase your anxiety not checking? This is about you, what you want, what you need...
You say you cannot sleep, can you think of what would allow you to sleep better? Is the reason you can't sleep due to the relationship or the physical issues you have yourself?
When we are ill, or excessively drawn out it is easy to vent. Sometimes it is just venting. Sometimes it is something more... what is one thing you could do for yourself that would help you relax now. Do you meditate? What areas of your life are you grateful for? Do you have a support group that will be there for you? Is there a family network that you can "take time out" with?
Once burned twice shy it is said... living is about confronting our issues, facing our fears... your unique response to these things defines who you are today, and you can choose to be who or whatever you want. You can change directions at any time because you are the author of your story.
Do you want to hang on to this relationship? Do you want to move on without him? Are you concerned that the issue is with you and not him? We all worry about how to balance our own issues with our significant others issues. What you decide you can and cannot live with are your decisions alone to make. You have to be able to live with yourself. Be aware that just by reaching out you have shown you are courageous, you are introspective and you have a desire to come to a resolution.
Gather your information, talk with a counselor if you want (it will be private), meditate to relieve anxiety (or exercise or whatever helps you), be confidant that you are able to go through this storm and still come out the other side respecting yourself.
He always does it after a drink [in the evening] and it always happens when I work nights at work
He says he has no interest in meeting them he only want conversation [at night.. conversation he should be having with his live-in fiance]
I have his Facebook password and all his log ins so he knows I will find out [and is banking on it]
(''Cause those miss-you niiiiiiights.....Theyyy're the long-eeeest')
Translation: 'F**k your patients, what about ME?! *I* should be the one you want to spend your nights with, I'M PRACTICALLY YOUR HUSBAND! I'll teach YOU to not change your shifts, not change your life to accommodate me and our relationship promotion! By the time I'm finished with you, never mind 'asking', you'll be BEGGING your supervisor to let you off working nights out of fear otherwise of what I might get up to if you're not there to keep an eye on me and keep me too busy for other people!'.
That's about the size of it. I mean, he's not a retard, is he? Manipulative little tw*t the minute he wants to avoid showing how vulnerable he is in front of you (through spilling his honest feelings and showing you the SIZE of his love and need of you), but - retard? Nah.
So, yes, the message contained in his leaving a trail of too-visible crumbs is indeed 'Screw you!'. But only in the context of '...If you refuse to be here to screw *me*'.
Get it? You're being punished and made to want to change your work hours off your own bat at this farther flung point because NOT doing so has already (thanks to him) brought about a constant threat (that's so great it even exacerbates your digestive complaint).
You're not being taken for a fool, you're just being manipulated because the manipulator doesn't dare just come clean about how UTTERLY ROTTEN he feels not having his wife-to-be spend the- what should be romantic evenings together, and instead taking care of and making your first priority the welfare of STRANGERS. (This is HIS perception, obviously, not mine.)
HE's the jealous (and hurt and resentful) one.
Think back... When was it he very first made any subtle noise to do in any way/shape/form with you altering your shift to suit, now that you were no longer single and able to please only yourself?