Marriage, minimal sex, major age difference...
my husband is almost 26 years older than me. I'm in my mid 20's. We have been together since I was 18 for 8 years so far. Married for 5 1/2 of the 8 years. He was only the second person I've been with. 2nd person I had sex with. Right before we got married he started having issues with getting erections. I thought that it was just because of stress. Well he has had issues our whole marriage. I have an extremely high libido. Last year he encouraged me to have an affair with one of my male friends. I refused at first and he kept insisting. He told me to get it out of my system since he can't help me properly. I gave in and had the affair with my friend. It went on for a little while. Now a year later I find myself not wanting to have any sexual contact with my husband and I always think about my friend. Now before someone starts hating on me or bashing me let me say that it is hard to stay in the mood when it gets frustrating. I know it's not his fault. So my question is, will I be able to make this marriage last with No more sexual activities? I tried everything to make it better. He went to dr's, tried the pills, everything. I love him but it really feels like a roommate situation.
I don't believe you could live the rest of your life without any sexual activity and be truly happy. . .but that's just me. So in answer to your question, I would say no. Have you honestly tried everything to fix the problem?
Now I've read a handful of books on relationships so here's my amateur take: you're experiencing a natural biological reaction towards your friend that you're having an affair with. Sex helps maintain a relationship biologically because after sex the hormones that create feelings of attachment towards your sex partner. In your case this is a natural side-effect from having sex with your friend. Since your husband is not taking the time to help that help with those needs your attachment to your husband isn't being maintained properly and your husband's role as your partner is being replaced by your friend since your friend is now taking care of those needs.
You can still love your husband while you no longer desire him, but he's less and less fulfilling the role of husband as this continues.
Now you could divorce your husband and possibly continue the relationship with your friend, but this could end up bad or end up good just like any relationship. I would ask your friend on how he feels about you and the relationship since he knows you better and the situation better. Or if you really still want to continue being married to your husband I suggest you talk it out with him.
Have you tried marriage counseling? Sometimes a professional third opinion helps.
If it's a health problem then there's not much you can do to help with sex life other than he finds alternatives in pleasing you such as sex toys, other forms of sex such as oral, or I think tantric sex is a good one since it focuses on the experience of emotions rather than the purely physical.
Now whether or not you can go without sex in a relationship is based upon you and what you think your priorities are for the relationship. If you do decide to continue on with your husband then I suggest stopping having sex with your friend and try to do things that reignite your interest in your husband. Try to remember what brought the both of you together in the first place. Recalling the good memories of the first flames are a way of strengthening bonds and sometimes helps you with finding what made you want this person in the first place.
Well I hope the best for you.
There are plenty of things that can cause a man to have ED. I'm no Doctor, but I know for a fact that men his age (assuming he's around 55) can help themselves by keeping physically fit and having a good diet - that might take care of the physical aspects of it. However, the psychological issues are another story altogether. Stress can be a huge factor, performance may be another, depression yet another.
About 55 - and he's "done"?
Sorry, dear, but I suspect he has had a plan all this time for getting rid of you. (Invite you to have an affair? Now you have fallen for this other guy?) This is all just too convenient.
End this charade and get on with your life. Don't be surprised if there's someone in the wings waiting for your husband, though.
Hope you had an pre-nup. Talk to a lawyer soon.
I'm more or less in agreement with SusieDQQQ. I don't know for sure that he wants you gone, but it does seem exceedingly convenient.
And I do think you should end it. 26 is too young to never have sex again. (Also, the age difference is startling and rather disconcerting to me. I know it can work, but still...what kind of man in his 40s marries an 18 year old?)
Before you do end it, though, it's worth looking into whether you have kids and what will happen to them. How are things financially for you? Do you work? Are you able to support yourself?
While I do think you need to get out of this situation, it's good to get the practical things worked out before you vanish.
We have tried everything. Even introduced porn into our relationship. It has been a problem for over 5 years. I try to be understanding but it is very difficult sometimes. Now he is resentful about the affair, which I completely understand. I have mentioned marriage counseling but he would not agree to it. I believe that is because of pride. I have started going to counseling myself to try to resolve my anxiety issues and to try to get an outside perspective about things. I am still "friends" with my friend but we have agreed to keep it at that although he has stated he has feelings for me. Now I found myself even avoiding any kind of dirty jokes or any kind of sex subject with my husband. I feel bad for wanting it. I feel bad for getting annoyed with it, I feel bad for bringing the subject up at all. I am have been so emotional and don't know which way to turn. Thanks for everyone's input.
I am in a relationship with an older woman. Our age difference isn't as great as yours' and your husband's, but it's enough that it bothers me sometimes. And I hate to say this at the risk of sounding too shallow, but it just seems to me that anything near 20 years' difference is too great for a relationship. 15, maybe. 26... I can't imagine being with someone that much older or younger than myself. But that's just me.
I think it is a little bit unfair that you are with this guy and can't look past his erectile problems. If you were the same age, would things be different? You know you have a high libido, and unless this guy can perform, or take Viagra or something, it sounds like you might have some serious sexual incompatibility. And that could be a problem for a relationship, depending on how important sex is to you.
Your husband brought up the idea of you being with this other man, honestly I would try not to regret that. What's done is done. You enjoyed it. If you still want to carry on a purely sexual relationship with this other man, maybe you should talk to your husband about it. But I know we men can sometimes say things in the moment and not really give it enough thought - we usually think about things from one angle, but not several, and end up doing things that maybe we don't really want to do. I can understand your husband's probably upset about the whole thing, and at the time letting you receive pleasure elsewhere probably sounded like a better idea to him.
I think it's smart that you are getting counseling, but it is unfortunate that your husband won't go. I can also identify with wanting to have some privacy and not wanting to talk about embarrassing feelings. Sometimes it is easier to handle things differently, and sometimes it is better.
I'm not sure that I have a good suggestion for you. It sounds like maybe you aren't in love with this man anymore, so maybe you should split up. Or, if you think you do still love him, maybe you should consider giving him the same deal that he gave to you - find a woman to have fun with him and try to entertain him, surprise him - if you think you would be alright with that. Maybe that will make things feel more even, at least.
Otherwise... Maybe this relationship isn't very solid.
I have had issues with thinking that maybe he was just nervous with me and the age difference. Thinking maybe it was a mental thing. I do love him, I just don't feel like it's the same. I told him to do whatever makes him happy. It is to the point where I feel like everything I do is negative or not good enough. Sex is important to me because sex makes you feel close to someone. I know this issue is only going to get worse for him and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get past it. I was hoping that the older I get the less of a drive I would have. I have also never had children either. I feel like I have missed out on a lot. I never even knew that men had this problem until it happened with him. I guess I was and still am naive.
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