Marriage and kids
I have been married for 5 years; we have 2 small boys. I am not in love with my wife anymore. She has abandoned me for to long, spent countless nights on her phone, refused to take part in anything I do, whether it is playing sport, watching sport, or other recreation or even just watching a show together on TV. I could have watched anything on TV and she would not notice as she sits there on her phone. She has not pursued me in anyway, but complained that I did not pursue her sexually; she has not shown any interest in what I do, apart from the odd basic questions when I return from whatever it is I was doing.
Our arguments are often me pushing issues, trying to find compromise, but to a brick wall. She did not hold conversations, unless it is about our children or family, especially about anything that has no interest to her. I find myself wanting to change her all the time, which often causes further arguments.
I have confronted her about these issues multiple times, but only when I have threatened leaving her has she decided to make an effort to change. But I feel it is too late for me, I have no drive to fix it anymore. I have since fallen out of love with her and fallen in love with someone else.
The only thing holding me back from leaving, are my 2 boys. I am worried that they will grow up without me being an influence in their lives. I am worried that when my wife finds someone else he will become a bigger influence in my kids’ lives than me.
My question, what should I do from here?
Unless you're planning on moving away or you fear your wife will prevent you from seeing your kids, you really have nothing to fear about being an influence in their lives. It's up to you to make an effort to remain in their lives as much as you can. It's also pretty much a given that your new love interest should accept and respect your desire to do so.
Going by your post, your marriage is over and if you haven't considered some form of counseling, then you should do so for your own sake. You should also consider(you most likely have)dual counseling as well. You need to understand that your children need you to be happy and healthy for them to be the same. If you can understand the dynamics of your situation better, then the better you will be able to be a positive influence in their lives.
Kids are often a powerful motivator to keep two people together in a loveless environment but kids are not stupid and if you put in an effort, after separation and divorce, they will never forget their father, regardless of who their mother meets in the future.
I am in a very similar situation and find myself stuck in the same shoes you are. I have two children, married for almost 7 years, and a wife who seems to have put our marriage on hold for everything else in life for a while. I let her know that while I've been patient, everyone has their limits. I feel I've reached mine. While I still care and believe I love her, I feel most days that this marriage isn't going to change. We are not intimate, nor do we talk about anything other than the basic day to day stuff.
She acts like she wants to make stuff work after me saying this to her, but I ask myself how long until we're in the same routine if not already? I do not have anyone else I care for like that in my life, but that's the only difference I see in our situations. I shudder at the thought of not being able to see my little ones daily. I have a son who just turned 2, and a daughter who is almost 7 months old. It kills thinking I won't be able to see her smile daily, or my boy for that matter, and that is where I find fear in leaving. I feel stuck too.
" I find myself wanting to change her all the time, which often causes further arguments."
I'd say that's at the "core" of your problem.
Marriage is not easy. It's a constant compromise, then 100% or 0% control. You have to know when to hold em or fold em, as the song goes. Professional marriage counseling would have helped.
"I have since fallen out of love with her and fallen in love with someone else."
Instead, you fell into the arms of another woman. Sorry, I don't have sympathy for you.
It sounds like you have made up your mind to do what you think you must. So, why ask anyone for advice, now?
I am sorry to hear this. How have you fallen in love with someone else? What I mean is are you currently having an affair or is this just someone you know who has no idea that you are in love with her/him? Or is this someone who knows and loves you back but doesn't want to act on it until you have come to a decision with your marriage?
If you want to work on it with your wife, you need to go to marriage counseling and see if this helps. Even if for the sake of the kids. If you are not speaking to one another and you are hostile to one another then that will be a bad influence on your kids as they grow up. You speak of fear of not being an influence on them; well. . .you can be a positive influence or a negative one. If you are a negative one, meaning, they grow up feeling the tension; then perhaps it is better to split. As for worrying about if there is another guy in the picture who could have a greater influence on them. . .well. . .is she having an affair? Have you asked her? If you are speaking hearsay and first have to split with her in order for her to find someone new well. . .she won't find someone that quickly with kids to take care of unless she is currently seeing someone or has guys who you know are lining up for her. . .if none of this is happening then you are worrying too quickly and you need to slow down and put one foot in front of the other. If in the long term, she does happen to find someone who loves the kids too and can be fatherly and friendly with the kids, isn't that great?! all kids want is more people to love them after all. . . . .and good people at that!!! so if you do divorce and you are with the person you love, then of course you would hope too that this person you love can also have a positive influence on them and play an important role in their lives. Right?! Then wish the same for her!
Susiedqqq stated "Marriage is not easy" She is right on, you must give 110% always, if it isn't a win win situation then everyone loses. Seeking solace in another persons arms? Well running into a brick wall would also numb the pain for a while and probably have been less damaging in the long run.
Sounds like you are saying the going got tough so you got going... a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. Now, do you want a divorce? Do you want a marriage? Being a father -- well your actions speak louder than any words. If you want a divorce just do it and spare everyone the drama. If you want to stay married... make a list of all the reasons you married her in the first place... then court her... yeah, it won't be easy... but it will be worthwhile if you want the marriage. Yeah, go to counseling... suck it up... you are married and fighting for your family is part of the package.
As far as FALLING in or out of love... give me commitment anyday... love is a feeling that is conditional... sometimes we are drained, exhausted with too much all at once in our lives... easy to say not feeling it... easy to say I've fallen out of love... but did you make a commitment to tough it out in the good times and the bad? What about this NEW love? Without a commitment isn't is likely to end up the same way? You really have to decide what you want out of life ... out of your life. You only have one chance at it, so be very sure you are driving and not being driven by the wind.