I dont know what to do in life anymore
I have no idea why im I do writing on this type of site,I never thought that I would feel this lost.I have never talked to anyone about any of my issues ,I usually keep everything to myself(dont even have anyone that would listen to me and care about it anyways) this is just how I am. To give a little background I am a highschool student currently 16.I had very bad school experiences that I dont want to get into manly because of how long it would take and how unsettling it is.So this has turned me into a somewhat antisocial person who doesn't fit in well with most people in my age group.One note to this is that a main factor to this is my parents.. Many of my problems stem from my caregives and their "lack of care " of what type of person I am and my interest. So let me get right to the main points I can already feel my brain failing to put together all of my thoughts, I have too much problems to talk about then I can mental handle all at once so forgive me for going off track (I took many online tests that shows results of adult ADHD and other unsettling mental illness ahaha).Jesus I did it again..
So back to main point, my life is filled with loneliness at most parts .I only text one person on a daily basis that its a girl ,but isn't someone that I can't talk to about serious stuff anymore(I used to like her and confessed but obviously that did go well).Anyways when you life such a life and you have internet your probably gonna be addicted to it ..like me. I became attached to it since I was nine,and it was the only real thing that made me kinda happy.The reason why I say kinda is that well all I could do is watch videos of people playing games back then since my parents wouldn't allow me to do play anything really.they hated when I play games ,I mean they got me a PSP when I was ten and got me one game and never bought me another one.I had to rely on hacking to get them illegally because I was so desperate. They would take it away so many times because it was the o ly thing I would be on,I mean they wouldn't allow me to go outside with "friends" or go their houses ,I didn't have a phone nor did I have numbers.I didn't even have a bike or any toy of any sort,what did they expect me to do ? Watch TV? All day? Now this brings me to the present,I went from loving console games to PC because I had a ps3 but again my parents wouldn't buy me anything (I don't fucking get why would let me play and buy one when they dontnlet me play maybe I'm just a dumb kid idk)and I went to PC because of the free games.But here's the thing I could only play in the summer with my ps3(because of my bad grades in middle school caused my the endless torment from "those kids" won't explain now)and when I played in the summer they hated it and hot mad at me every time,it was a endless cycle ..
So I decided to give up on it,I was only playing demos they had for free on the PlayStation store And had 3 actual games but no one plays them.that's another thing ,when I first got it I was so happy that I could connect with people and play with "friends".But when people wanted me to play with them is couldn't have any of the popular games that all the boys had, everyone would tell me why I always play demos. I really hated that people would think I'm poor and I couldn't afford games (which I'm started to think I am ,like now I play moba's and they are free but you can buy skins I would that guy with none bit I dont care much)I think I went off track again. Basically I wanted to PC game but I can't get a computer I had a old one with win 7 that can't run programs.and again my parents wouldn't allow me to play( they would even get mad at me when I play flash games like minefield..) So what I did for a long time And I still do this I just look at YouTube videos of people building PC's and talking about gaming AMD I would fantasize about being a actual game,pretty sad right huh..I would do this for all hobbies that I wanted to do like hunting,airsoft, animation, gunsmithing,and others.the only hobby I have is drawing but I have giving up long ago..Anyways around September last year I was fed up with this shit and I decided to secretly download my favorite game in the whole world league of legends(LoL) on my dad's Asus laptop that he bought and never uses.Lol was the number one game that i always wanted to play at the time ,I would watch tons of videos and basically learn to play when I never played it before .I would lie to ppl that had and say I did..,I would do this a lot
Lie and say I played a game but I have only watch tons of videos.all for the sake of not being left out.
Anyways when I did start to play I was good at it like really good for a new player.for the first time in my life I was good at something. Something that other people will see and know.I started to wake up at 2am on school days just so I can play it because I'm not allowed to play anything or use a computer. Doing this really effected me and my body but I didn't care I was getting better and I was having fun for once in my life .I had a dream and that dream was to become a pro player pretty stupid to.most people but I didn't care I could make a living out of something I was good at ,something I loved.let me cut the story a bit I played in secret for a few months,found other games,then Christmas came dad found out but then let me play ,pretty much Christmas gift (I dont get gifts at all pretty much first time) I kept playing while parents want getting to mad but mad. Now here comes now,my dad in the summer always cuts me short .every summer when a few weeks pass he says I can't play anymore when there's a whole month and a half of summer . now he did it again but this time its worst I can't play in the summer anymore or in the school year ,now this really pisses me off.everything that makes me happy my parents has to ruin it .Every damn time.they never let me go to people house they never let me go to birth day parties they get mad when I use my phone they get mad when I do anything that view as fun .my dads logic is that I never read books.. I never liked books and it is rare for me to find a good one.but the thing that pisses me off the most is that the reason for this that I can't walk to places so I can't walk to the library and my dad never want to take me there.he says he is gonna do it but he never wants to.He said I can play again if I go to the library and get some books ...that makes no sense how am I gonna go there? I dont even have a card..
Aslo they only target me no one reads on my house I have 3 sisters and one brother.my brother allways games hardcore and my dad never says a word to him they just say one word and direct everything towards me.this year was the first year where I had anything that I owned and that was a small phone. Everyone else they Bought them huge phones and tablets that they are on 24/7 and not a word goes to them .each of them has at least 7 devices and me? 2. A phone and a laptop that isn't even mine.I'm not the guy that ever complains this the most that I have ever done it I just had to let it out.I feel like they hate me or something.I have nothing that I am good at they tried to force me into sports but I never liked them.I wanted to do some before but they denied it at the time which makes zero sense. I just feel really lost I dont know what I'm gonna do for a living I have no experience doing anything of the things I want to do.and these things requires you to have some experience. I dont even know what I'm rambling about anymore WTF am I doing.now I just spend my dads on my phone watching YouTube..like that's much better then playing challenging games ,just doing nothing..
They dont even care..
Why did u read this nonsense
Thank you if you did but I wasted your time
I barely touched on all of my topics wow
You seem a bit confused. Do you really just want to play games and are so mad about this at 16 when you will be leaving home soon or can get a job and buy your own games? Are you off some kind of medication you should get back on? If not and if you are serious you need someone professional to help you. I am sure there must be more to this.
Yea I'm mostly confused. But I probably won't be able to leave to go live on my own when I get out of highschool mainly because of Money, even my sister and brother still lives her and they are in their late 20s.And trying to afford college is a different story, we came from a poor country so yeah.and about the medication I never received any form of mental examination.my parents has always thought I was that kid with no problems and I had friends ,so they dont have a clue on anything. If I told them anything they would think its nothing and probably get mad.(the place where they are from children who has any sort of mental health issues aren't treated as nicely).I wish I can get some professional help without them knowing ,the internet can only help so much. Aslo there was more things I meant to say but I have this thing when I over think on pressing topics or something I dont like my mind shuts off, like It goes blank and the pain in my head starts again.this has really affected me in school I wouldn't be able to hand in work on time.But its the worst in English. Anyways thanks you for reading and replying I been holding this in for so long without anyone to share with .thank you
Why can't you work and buy games even if you live at home or see a doctor about pain in your head? An x-ray might help you. It may be a physical problem.
It's very frustrating at that age and it seems very much like you need a friend or buddy to hangout with. See if you can speak with school nurse about headaches and some confidential advice
I made it about half-way through your novella. All I can say is: "Quit feeling sorry for yourself."
Sorry for your situation with your parents. Yes, it does stink that you don't get the support you probably should have. So you have two choices...
1. You can curl up in a fetal position and recite "poor, poor, pitiful me" sayings everyday until you lose all the mental capacity you have left. Or...
2. You can get a job doing something - anything... Mowing lawns, raking leaves, washing dishes in a restaurant, anything to keep yourself busy.
Whatever you do - and I am dead serious about this... Is; do NOT get into drugs. Those will ruin your life for good. Do NOT get a girl knocked up - that will screw you up too. Graduate High School - get your diploma. Why? Because if your home life doesn't improve and you have no idea what you're going to do after you graduate you have the option of enlisting in the military. I only say that because you kind of reminded me of me when I was 16... Not much support, not much interest, and I had no clue what I was going to do. I had a girlfriend, but she want to keep herself for marriage - damn the bad luck. Oh well... LOL
Hang in there. It's not the end of the world. Take charge of yourself and get off this feeling sorry for yourself kick. It's a waste of your time and energy. Get a job, get a hobby (something other than computer games), get a girlfriend, join a club in school, play foosball, do something.