As usual when I go to work he texts me all sort of mean and hurtful things, He told me today and other days as well, but today it got to me.... he stated t uh at I have a problem and I need to get help...I've never felt so Worthless in my life...I'm hurt and devasted..all at once.....
2. my husband talks and belittled me every chance he gets
I have an older brother like that. He was prob. sexually abused by my mother, who was sexually abused, and all he has left is hate. He has no personality, for the abuse took that away. My brother's probably borderline personality syndrome. Replacing the personality is anger, deep pathological anger, which, if you don't have that, you can't imagine how deep that goes. It goes way deeper than you can imagine, and it will never end.
This older brother criticized me every day of my life as we were growing up. I was the perfect target. I couldn't leave. Hello! My dad had anger personality disorder, so he was mad at me about everything, and they teamed up against me. When we grew up, we got out of the room that we lived in together, so that was a big help.
Then he would verbally attack me at family gatherings, calling me on the phone, trying to cut me out of our mother's will. After the will thing, say 15 years ago, I never had any more contact with him, got me a phone box and wouldn't answer the calls.
The last conversation we had, I stood up to him, but not too much, those people are wild, especially in a room where they're no witnesses. When I stood up to him a little bit, this monster, turned into a 5-year-old kid and said, "You can't hurt me." So the reality was, he was a 5-year-old kid, the age he was probably abused. That's why he was so mad.
So I think this older brother got two doses, one sexually abused (borderline personality syndrome, which you can look up on the net for signs that might match your husband's) and anger personality disorder (which you can also look up on the net) that he inherited from our dad.
What your husband might want to do is have a child, so he can just tear you apart, because you can't leave. See how it works? All other things being equal, I would get out of there. It will never stop.
My brother's former wife, told my wife many years ago, that this same older brother of mine would criticize her so bad, "I barely had enough confidence to walk out the door." She was basically the only one who had a job, which probably made him jealous and threatened, so he felt forced to criticize even more.
After the kids moved out of the house, she left him. Whoa! Finally. So now she has nothing to do with him, his cover is blown, and no younger brother or older sister, who has anything to do with him.
His cover has been blown. If you leave, his cover will be blown. He will really object to that. And you don't really understand what's going on, and what it will be like now, and five years from now, if you don't make great effort to get out of there (he'll still be belittling you).
He will have counter-moves, so be ready. I wouldn't do it all in front of him, so he can physically block you from leaving. He can use his temper and size to control, and you'll back down, if you do it in front of him.
While my former sister in law, said, "I barely had enough confidence to walk out the door," you said in your post,"he stated that I have a problem and I need to get help...I've never felt so Worthless in my life...I'm hurt and devasted..all at once."
He's picking on you because as a female, you're physically weaker than he is, and you're not as aggressive as he is. You'll notice, he's picking his opponents. And he only attacks you when its one on one, alone in a room. He's bigger, he's meaner, he's wrong, but he still wins. (I have that going on with a neighbor right now, he's in the wrong, but he "wins" with his path. hate. I have to find a way to stay positive, and counteract that.)
Your husband wins, that is, unless you leave, which he'll try to stop also. Then it will be a battle of wills, and he has pathological will, which you don't even know about.
If you don't get up some sort of plan and determination, maybe a social safety net of some sort, I'll bet on him. He'll run over you like a steam roller, because you don't have what it takes. You're a female, you're stupid, you're gutless, you can never win over an angry male, is what he wants you to think. You're in the right, but you don't have what it takes. Watch who wins.
This is about control, this is an abuser, no person deserves this. Get out, get away, get help... there are abuse centers all over, go talk to someone... this really only escalates. Oh, they tell you they are sorry, they are going to change, they didn't mean it, they love you... it isn't love... it is control.
Hurting someone like this is his way of feeling better about himself. It is an issue because it will take inflicting increasing amounts of pain upon you for him to continue to feel better about himself.
You are strong, you are capable, you are worthy to be loved, you can do this, you will feel better... it will take time but time will become your new best friend... it starts with one step...
Guys, please try not to make such huge leaps in assumption as lead to jumping to conclusions. You've had FAR too little data on which to base such confident 'diagnoses', let alone any future warning not to have kids with this man or, worse, to get out and get help. For starters, Tartan, there's no such thing as Anger Personality Disorder. It's Anger Disorder, a co-morbidity with other mood disorders such as ADHD and Bi-Polar *or* it's one of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. So please - and this goes as a general rule to everyone, not just you two - try not to pervert the normally laudible quality of empathy by reacting subjectively based on sponging up a poster's emotional state, particularly not when in this case she made it plain how she and her husband had only just recently had a FIGHT *which is still ongoing* due especially to his nonsense having 'today got to her', leaving her 'hurt and devastated' thus naturally not thinking as clear as one ordinarily might.
"been marries for almost 5 years in October, my husband talks and belittled me every chance he gets"
1. Since WHEN?
2. In response at the time to WHAT? What is it you say or do that elicits this unkind reaction? Or don't you have to say/do anything to set him off?
3. Define 'chance'?
"....we went out this past weekend to try and fix things,"
4. Fix WHAT specifically?
5. Went out where?
6. What actually happened - was there a long conversation that went wrong?
7. Has it occurred to you yet what it must mean that he AGREED IN THE FIRST PLACE to going out last weekend when knowing full well the point was to try to fix things by talking everything through?
"I thought there was some sort of understanding, I was wrong."
8. Might you be expecting instant results (impatience understandable or not) instead of allowing him time to let everything sink in before perhaps THEN seeing your side and starting to change his attitude to suit?
9. Did another follow-on bicker occur between that failed conversation and Tuesday as had him automatically reaching for his old reactionary habits as now has you prematurely concluding all attempts to fix are futile?
"As usual when I go to work he texts me all sort of mean and hurtful things,"
10. Like WHAT? 'Your bum is too big'? Can you replicate the entire exchange so we can get a more precise idea?
11. And again, what preceded it or was it an initiation by him out-of-the-Blue?
"He told me today and other days as well, but today it got to me.... he stated t uh at I have a problem and I need to get help"
12. A problem in what way/why/how, specifically, according to him?
"...I've never felt so Worthless in my life...I'm hurt and devasted..all at once....."
13. Yes. Welcome to Big Fight-ville. But how do you feel around this man at times when you're NOT, either of you, experiencing a clash or difficulty?
Replies are no longer accepted on this thread. Why not start your own topic? - it only takes a moment to register with your e-mail address