Pregnancy / child
Well here goes... So 2 years ago I was sexually abused by a guy I was talking to he tried forcing me to have sex I would fight back so then he pleased hI'm self with his hand whike holding me down ejaulaTed into his hand to after pUT his hand down on me i fough back but coudon't keep him off. I was on the pill but had recently changed brands. A little after that I got involved with my ex to find out I was pregnant at first I didn't know who was the biological father of my child my ex & I thought it was him but my whole pregnancy I felt anger and rage I couldn't stand being pregnant I went into depression I want to abort but I never believed in abortion out of fear I never told my family what happened because they didn't understand. It drew me suicidal but my ex would try to help me out to not do anything. After my child was born I felt no real connection to this day something keeps pushing me away from him. Yes I love him he's my child & I know he has no fault but I have such resentment and anger. Today I got the results that my ex isn't the bio dad and I felt my heart drop because the idea on half of my child comes from a person I despise and that my child came from being sexually abused makes me so angry idk how to face this I know everyone will judge me because my ex isnt the father and I can't tell everyone what happened without being criticized. I don't know what to do or how to react I have such anger and hatred I don't want anything to do with the guy that abused me nor do I want my child to be around him I'm scared because my family won't accept it or believe me if I tell them everyone thinks I had sex with two guys and didn't know who the father was. My ex is the only one that knew & we both assumed the possibilities. Idk how to face this I'm scared and enraged I see my child n can't help to be angry... I know he has no fault but it gets me so mad how it happend that caused me to have him. I need advice help if anyone has been through this... I don't wanna be depressed or hold anger to an innocent child. My current guy knows the situation but doesn't exactly understand just knows rumors that went around I'm scared of him seeing me differently aswell how do you face a situation like this?... please help...
You don't. You don't face "a situation". You face lots of little, tiny portions of it, one-by-one over the course of whatever period of days/weeks. (Or would you eat a whole family-sized cake in one mouthful? Doubt it. So there you go - same difference.)
Try this: Just imagine that head-f**ked mess of a guy who abused you, taken back by your mind to when he was a tiny newborn baby then a cute toddler, completely innocent, heart and chubby little arms and hands wide-open, going "Mm-mmuh-bah-bah-guh-guh", etcetera (all the cute babbling noises), playing with his tiny little toes, bouncing his little bottom excitedly against his car-seat whilst making those cute panting noises, kicking his little legs and flailing his little arms with wide and fascinated eyes...
...He didn't come OUT like he ended up, did he... come out of the womb, being and behaving like the in-pain git he was when you met him as a grown adult, did he. He had been his whole childhood systematically mistreated and raised poorly somehow, day after week after month after year after decade, the poor little thing.
So now imagine what he'd have been like as an adult if from back then when that tiny baby then cute toddler, etc., etc., he'd been treated nicely and healthily. Different person altogether, right? Probably STILL a total sweetie, right? Because there was nothing wrong with his genes or his unfettered personality. Nor what would later become his sperm. He was a clean slate with loads of potential. Just his parents and bad experiences were what was wrong. Right again?
Now try to remember *yourself* as a tot.
Now take HALF of that sweet, cute and unblemished baby-into-toddler and mix him with half of yourself-the-cute baby-into-toddler. What, as a 'product', do you now have? That's right - your cute, sweet, pure-hearted, innocent and unblemished, loving, trusting, wonderful-potential-ed, little chubby-cheeked son.
Did that help?
If not, try this: You're not feeling angry and bitter with your baby son, ANYWAY. When you LOOK at him, he's just completely inadvertently triggering memories of your ex and, on from there, the un-asked-for predicament his major acting-out put you into. Due to the fact you're SEEING your situation as a negative predicament, including using what IS ONLY A GUESS (using your imagination under the power of fear and negativity) about how family/friends will think and react, you're fast-forwarding yourself in your mind to an wholly negative scenario. That makes you feel terrible, you don't WANT to feel terrible, ergo in your mind if you keep feeling terrible every time you have '5 minutes' to look properly at your son and take that trip down Bad Memory + Forward Imagined Consequences Lane, you wish you didn't have that trigger (your son's physical presence)...wish the SIGHT of your son didn't exist. That then clashes with your instinctual motherly taboo to never think such way about him, which produces GUILT, which then just compounds the bitterness. SO!...
Do you have any photograph(s) or momento(s) of your ex? If you do, make a little negative shrine out of it, somewhere in/around the house where you have to see it every or almost every day. (I suggest in the loo or in the space under the kitchen sink or somewhere outside, like beside the bins.) You need to create a NEW trigger mechanism for these feelings that are completely separate from your baby in order to take that 'role' and burden off of your baby altogether, combined with having for a while to FORCE yourself into seeing only the cute and innocent half-you-half-baby-ex product every time you look at him. If you do this (force yourself) enough times, it hopefully should start to become a new habit that then renders the old trigger entity (your son) obsolete...superfluous to requirements.
Now to your family: What actual EVIDENCE do you have to suggest they'd blame you for something that was DONE to you by force? When, growing up, you used to watch telly with them and a news report came on about some woman having been raped, did they all used to suddenly exclaim, 'Dirty cow, she probably ASKED for it!' or would they appear to feel suitably sorry and concerned for her like one should for a bona fide victim?
Why didn't you press charges against the guy?
Can you press charges against him now?
Because I was afraid & didn't want to further go into it. No I can't because there is no evidence aside from I have a child now :/
Your "current guy" knows that you have a child - and that's where you should leave it. No need to explain or complain.
(And DROP him, if this is a big deal for him. You need HEALTHY people around you now.)
All the baggage from the past need not cloud this relationship. This is causing you anxiety - why? Is it the humiliation? shame? (which comes from other people, not from you) guilt?
If so, then you can get rid of that all by yourself by cutting all ties with people who pull you down AND knowing that you are a person who deserves quality love and can give quality love NOW.
Your child deserves a happy mom, A LOVING MOM. When you can walk away from WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OR SAY then you will be happy and content with yourself.
Please get some counseling. Your local Women's Center (rape/abuse treatment) is a good start. That issue has never been resolved in your mind, and you are carrying it into your present.
Thank you SUSIEDQQQ and well it bugged him that we didn't know who was the bio father but he never saw my child differently once the results that where tested against my ex came in all matter where dropped because he understood the rest n left it alone to support me in what I needed. & I will look into counseling that might help I've never taken any. I appreciate the non judgment.