Not sure what to do anymore
I have been married for 15 years. My husband has been a different person for many of them. It started about 3 years after we were married. He left me at that time saying he didn't love me anymore he got a new apt and phone before he even told me. If he is asked about this he says it was me that left him and me that didn’t love him. But was the one still in the house paying the bills. We ended up getting back together after 5 months things where doing good for a few years until a year after we had our son. (he is 10 now). Then he started seeing other women and getting on dating sites. When I brought it up he would say he wasn’t doing anything. I left it alone for a long time because he swore that he wasn’t doing anything and how much he loved me. About 6 years ago is when everything really hit the fan. At this point not only was he still talking to a lot of women online but also sleeping with them as well. I got to have a lovely chat with one of them. When I confronted him about it he said he wasn’t doing anything and if he was it was my fault he was doing it. If I bring it up at all he will call me every name in the book and tell me it is because of me he does this. This was the first time that he laid his hands on me. I left for a couple months but he talked me back into coming home. He seemed again very genuine and loved me. About 2 years ago. I found out that he was up to all of his old tricks again. I confronted him again. This time I had had enough of all of the verbal abuse and lies. This sparked a rage that would scare even his mother if she had been there. At this point I was grabbed by my neck and was told that if I left I would never get to see my son again. He knows that my baby is my world. So I have stayed and have tried not to say much about the subject. As I have been clearly put into my place I am to be seen not heard. If I ask questions, say anything he may not like or even put in my opinion on anything. I get yelled at and told I am wrong, naive and whatever nasty he spews out of his mouth. I could tell him this writing is black and I will still be proved wrong and it is my fault it isn’t black. I don’t know what to do. I cannot leave as he has shown and told me many times that I will not get to be with my son. At this point in our marriage he doesn’t want to touch me. If he does it is because he was watching porn or after a conversation he was having on his phone. I can stand in front of him with the sexiest thing on and will not even look at me. He says that it is because he is getting older. I would believe that if it wasn’t for the other women. I have been made to feel like I am nothing. I am not able to get a job even though he knows I like to have a job and we kind of need me working too. I have to tell him what I am doing at all times. But he can go out whenever he wants and I am not allowed to question him. I also am able to play games online and Facebook. But if he finds out that I was talking to anyone anywhere that wasn’t public for all to see I am in trouble. But he is able to be online all the time no questions asked. He never was like this until I told him I knew about the other women. I do love my husband but I am afraid that all of these years of being treated like I am nothing have taken a toll on me. He tells me every day how lucky he is to have me but in the same breath I am made to feel like nothing. My son has noticed the tension between us as well. I am thankful that I am able to reflect almost the entire negative towards me not my son when my husband starts his tantrums. He has never laid a hand on him. The last year has been rough. Every time I start to feel better about myself and start to feel that I am not the person he makes me out to be he finds a way to put me back in my place. I just don’t know what to do. I want to leave but my baby still needs his mother as I still need him as well. I have also been having a very hard time getting the thought of suicide out of my head. The one thing that stops me from doing it is my son. If I wasn’t here what would happen to him? I’m not looking for someone to tell me what to do just some sort of answer of how do I go about this.
Your husband is a control freak. You are an abused wife and you need to contact someone about this abuse. Be it police, a clergyman, or a social worker (of course, I have no idea what country you live in, but most countries have laws regarding spousal abuse).
When he leaves, take your son and leave. Contact authorities or someone.
It is difficult when you are feeling intimidated to move but you must move and soon. You have received two very good replies, this man could have a sexual addiction from the porn and affairs, what you do know is he is a verbal, mental and physical abuser. It seems that he has moments of being "better" or and "almost" husband. Truth is he is a great pretender, you read about them everywhere, they may be charming, intelligent, hard working, others find them kind or even sacrificing... but when they are with you... the words, the actions, sometimes the violence happens. Oh, they are sorry, they will tell you they will be different... you know that is not true now. It can be heard in "I am made to feel like nothing." "My son has noticed..." Yes, he has noticed, now you must choose, not just for yourself but for the child as well. No one blossoms in darkness.
You have been made to believe it will harm you or your child to leave, that you will have nothing and be nothing... the opposite is true. Not only will you find yourself after you have left slowly regaining sight of who you are, what your strengths are and find you are a hundred times more capable than you now believe but your son will also begin to flourish. When he sees you recover from this abuse then he will begin to open up as well.
There are many organizations that will help you... battered women's groups help not just the physically abused, but mentally and/or emotionally as well. It really is true when they tell you to get your son and get out with your life while you still are able. Despair comes from darkness and no hope... I hear strength in you, you are smart, you recognize what is happening, you desire to protect your son, you know in your heart this is wrong and you will find the strength you need to get your son and get away.
"If he is asked about this he says it was me that left him and me that didn’t love him."
Why? What was the fight about and what does he claim you said/did that allegedly so convinced him you didn't love HIM?
"But was the one still in the house paying the bills."
So? That's an action. This guy's too thick to note actions! He fits the M.O. of a flippin' woman, the type who completely misses the indisputable evidence over meaty things that actually matter - the significants - because he's too busy going on and on about pure meaningless statements said in the heat of the moment. I suppose he reckons you'd have paid the bills anyway because you and son didn't want to have to move out, right?
"Then he started seeing other women and getting on dating sites. When I brought it up he would say he wasn’t doing anything. I left it alone for a long time because he swore that he wasn’t doing anything and how much he loved me."
Sounds to me like he was desperately trying to get and keep your negative attention because positive either hadn't worked or seemed too much like hard wooing work for his liking, but that you couldn't sustain that level of resultant upped attention. Has he never heard of the phrase, 'Houston, I have to be honest - I'm feeling very overlooked and neglected lately'? Sorry - which one of your TWO kids is 10?
"About 6 years ago is when everything really hit the fan. At this point not only was he still talking to a lot of women online ***but also sleeping with them as well.***"
You sure-sure-SURE about that? Why didn't he just sleep with them from the off? Why wait another 6 years? Still weren't, despite constant 'chances', giving him enough fawning attention, per chance?... meaning, he had to keep upping his "look-at-mee-look-at-meeee!" ante until you *did* look at him and this time without ceasing?
"he said he wasn’t doing anything and if he was it was my fault he was doing it" - there you go, look - the proof! 'If you'd look at me and cease looking away again once you thought the coast was clear, I wouldn't have had to have weaved the impression I was now sleeping with them'. That's what that statement, examined in context, basically means. And that, I suspect, is because you're "the quiet one" to his verbal diaorrhea one. Right?
This guy isn't an outright Narcissist IMO. He's not clever enough. He's just a very spoiled baby who's [a] used to being admired and constantly attended to (meaning, if you don't then something's automatically wrong) or [b] was so starved of attention growing up that he's nowadays so ravenous it's rendered him as thick as two short planks. But so what - his behaviour still FEELS and falls into the realm of emotionally abusive.
"I have to tell him what I am doing at all times. But he can go out whenever he wants and I am not allowed to question him. I also am able to play games online and Facebook. But if he finds out that I was talking to anyone anywhere that wasn’t public for all to see I am in trouble. But he is able to be online all the time no questions asked. He never was like this until I told him I knew about the other women."
(No - public enough FOR HIM to see.) Yes, because he thinks you're so well convinced HE'S having an affair, in his mind it stands to reason you might reactively want to beat him at his own game. And he can't have that because he's, I reckon, NOT actually cheating, just trying to convince you he is so that you'll start walking on eggshells. This guy's a bluffer, a b*llshitter, a poker-player. And you're not. Which makes you wholly manipulable (and gullible/over-trusting by the sounds of that worry about losing your son nonsense).
Why have you never got couples counselling?
Also, 'laid his hands on you' in what way and with what bodily result? Did he leave marks and did anyone you know see them or hear you tell them about them (and right at the time)? Same question goes for him putting his hand around your neck: did he actually squeeze/cause pain or was it just a largely empty intimidation tactic?
Also, what IS this utter drivel of his that you've seemingly been swallowing about him seeing to it that you'll lose your son/never see him again? Lose him HOW? (This I'd LOVE to hear - I love a good laugh!)
"He tells me every day how lucky he is to have me"
Every day? Really? Every single day? And your son has noticed 'the TENSION'? Not 'the abuse'?
"Every time I start to feel better about myself and start to feel that I am not the person he makes me out to be"
Is what you're really saying, that once you start to RELAX (= cease constantly looking-at-him-looking-at-HIM) and re-grow confidence (= suddenly appear more attractive to other men on the prowl again), he starts to panic?
Here's my take on all of this: He's not "an" abuser, he is abuse-IVE. Whenever things get negative/tricky. Which unfortunately has lately and for too long become the status quo. Because he's emotionally very thick and can't hack making himself vulnerable in order to earn his little choccie drops and pats on the head. So instead he bites your ankles, trips you up, knocks over your favourite vase, chews your slippers, is seen to try again and again to escape over the back fence...that sort of thing. ..... He is not in your league and knows it. Or THINKS he's not. (Same difference.) So in order to make himself feel safer, less vulnerable to losing you or having you stolen off him he has to knock you down a peg or three using relationship-threatening, SON'S-WELFARE-threatening, and confidence-denting behaviour so that you're as equally insecure as him, equally 'wet weekend' in the face (thereby non-alluring to the other sex) as him. If you feel constantly threatened, insecure, paranoid, slightly depressed then the playing field is finally LEVEL, no longer the glaring contrast as makes him feel like the constantly worried underdog.
This man/emotional 6-year-old is insecure thus controlling. But FEELS abusive. BERBOM.
So...Tell you how to go about WHAT? How to leave him without (pff) losing your son? How to fix the relationship so you don't have to leave? WHICH?
1. If you're thinking about suicide, I think you should see a counselor, male or female as you choose. You can look in the computer yellow pages, phone book yellow pages, etc. Ask around. But I think you should definitely do that.
2. I've had about 27 years of being verbally, emotionally, situationally abused by my spouse. I find out she was having an affair 7 years into the marriage. From 7years into the marriage to 16 years into the marriage, she was still having the affair, but I still didn't know it, just like the first 7 years of the marriage.
I was a wreck, also. She died 6 years ago of a long-term illness. I was going to heart doctors for chest pain, and all of this stuff. It turned out, she was having about probably 30 affairs in those 16 years, probably 2000 episodes.
She would also try to turn my son against me, when he got 13 and found out what was happening. So I think that to look forward to. After you've done all the work, he will turn him against you when he gets to about 13. If he's low enough to do what he's doing now, yeah, that's what he'll do, is my guess.
I don't know what to suggest. If you could raise him on your own, would you like to do that? He might have to pay child support, and you might have grounds for divorces. I think you should also se a lawyer, male or female as you choose. I think you have to know what your rights are. I think that is imperative. Instead of ranting and raving and going in circles, go straight to an attorney, and a counselor.
I think you think he's going to get better, and all you can do is sit there. That's not true. You're leading to half of this defeat. You're not doing anything.
Why did I stay for 27 years? We were buying a house, and the kid was 3 when I found out. 20 years later he grew up and left, what about the last 7 years, why did I stay? Well, the house was almost paid for, and the last 5 it was paid for. So, why are you staying? Could you make it without him?