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Anxiety disorder

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I don't really know when it started but its really killing me now .. and I know its my fault.

When I'm going to start my college , I wasnt able to choose the course that I want since my parents told me to choose the hospitality because all of my uncle's and sister is working in carnival cruise line .. So yes I finished a 2 years course in hospitality industry and while im studying , i will not lie , i ended up not going to school even dropping my subjects .. and everything .. the 2 years course became a 5 years for me ... and now that I finished my studies they told me to apply in carnival cruise line ... WHICH also i dont like , i really want to be in landbase , But still they force me to apply , I took it since its also an opportunity and also thinking that WHAT IF they are right. maybe I could start my future in a cruise line .. when i got interviewed , the interviewer told me to wait for the position of Assistant waiter, but my uncle who works in carnival told me not to wait and take the position of Galley steward . he was mad if im going to wait , so AGAIN i took the job and thinking that maybe its for the better ..

Before I left my country I sold my Gaming Rig my Motorcycle and other thing that I have (Which I earned it myself by playing online games) and when I finally got on board the carnival ship. My first day makes me want to quit and go home because of the job .. and with that kind of job im only earning a small amount of money which I can also earn in my country .. Then my uncle called mad , he said that I have to stay whatever happens and soon ill be promoted , but i talked to my co-galley stewards they said that its been 4 years and never got promoted as a waiter . so I resign now finally im home , WITH NOTHING IN MY POCKET

I also have a girlfriend who supports me and i love her BUT, She is the type of a girl who's dream is to marry a dirty old rich guy , easy money in short, and wanted to go to japan as a japayuki , but that doesnt stop me to love her , and i convinced her to study and get a college diploma which she finally got , but the thing is , since now im home and i have no money , i told her to apply with me to some agencies , she doesnt want to work .. but she wants to spend money.. sometime eventhough I told her to save the money the next day I can see her ordering items online , with my money ...

Now my situation is , I don't have a money , I have tried to applied in many agencies but they said that for manpooling only , I have a girlfriend who doesnt want to work but love to spend , but i love her ofcouse , i dont want to give the obligations to my parents since I left my job , and now I'm really scared of my future , what if the day comes that i dont have anything with me , i ended up living in the street , what if i dont get a job what will happen to me tom. , what will I do if everything i have left fall apart . I ended up alone dont have anything to start my life ... I want to kill myself to stop thinking , i wanted to kill myself so i do not have to worry , i wanted to kill myself to escape from this nightmare

Anxiety disorder

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*** I also dont have friend because my Girlfriend dont want me to be friends with anyone , and I cant also get a job mostly because of my pimples ..

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