Can I trust my wife again? Can this be fixed?
Not sure i can trust my wife now... .
Kudos to you if you can make it through this long story of my relationship and offer any advice id love to get some honest male and female input into this matter....
Well we have been together for 8 years of which i was quite happy for most of it except maybe the last 12 months, we used to love each other so much and always care for each other and show it.
we have been married for 6 years we started when i was 22 and she was 20, im now 30 and shes 28, she came from asia to live with me in australia after having a long distance relationship for a while, she had no friends and family here so she was a bit lonely and depressed at the start, but we spent most of our time together and at that time we both worked in the city together and went out occasionally with my friends and she made a few friends along the way but no really good friends untill after 2 years i went back to working in mining in a remote location on a 2 week on ,1 week off roster, so untill now i dont really know most of her friends she has made in the last 4.5 years as we spend most of the time i have off mostly doing things together and she usually hangs with her friends when im out of town, so i rarely get to see how she reacts to guys etc when they flirt when shes out with her friends, but there was a time in 2013 we were in the club she went with her friend to dance i finished my drink and went in there to find a guy grinding against her ass, i told him to piss off and she “said” she didnt realise he was doing it (harmless i guess but not really what i believe a married woman should be doing).....,
anyway lets start from the beginning she once told me of a story before our relationship where a soccer player invited her to his room when she was very drunk and she went with him, then when she realised he was trying to have sex with her she managed to tell him no and get out of there, there was also another time, when we were drinking together when she got so drunk she couldn’t even recognise who i was and when i tucked her into bed she said who are you get away from me.... Also another time i was attending a friends funeral out of town and she accused me of seeing an ex while there (which i didnt) and she got so drunk she was on the phone to me rambling on about how she had met her american ex here in australia and she had been seeing him? (turns out she says she only saw him and had a chat with him and he sat and had a beer with her and her friends),
Anyway i had to get my sister to head there and make sure she was ok, as i was heading home right away but it was a 2hour drive she was a mess and had drunk several bottles of spirit and vomited everywhere and didnt know what was going on, that night she added all her exes on facebook and tried to talk with them.
Another thing was at the start of our relationship for the first few months i found her emailing and in contact with exes and guys she has slept with in the past she had a call from one the first time we were in australia she says she didnt know who it was that her friend gave out her number but this guy was telling me she had sex with him at some stage, this all happened during our first few years of the relationship. Anyway im a jealous type of guy and obviously i had some trust issues because of these things which made me a bit controlling to her and have trust issues when shes out drinking when im not around, i didnt like her hanging out at night/ clubs etc when im not there, didnt like her being close friends with guys or wearing revealing clothes, we shared all our passwords and each had an app called life 360 (which she suggested) so we can see where the other is at on our phone via gps, we had nothing to hide and we both agreed to doing this.
Well after some time she had some mental issues and depression and used to say when she was down that she was not happy in our relationship and she had threatened to cut herself a couple of times ( i think was more just to get attention)
Anyway she has always wanted to have a child and i havent been ready up until now, in 2012 she became pregnant and told me over the phone while i was working away for 2 weeks on nightshift, i was shocked, after thinking about it i said to her im happy to go either way whether we keep the baby or get an abortion i will be happy and support her either way.
She couldnt decide either and she asked what i would prefer to do and i said id prefer to wait until we were more financially stable and have our own house and can afford a better life for our child so she agreed.
So we got an abortion. Stupid thing is ( yeah i made a big mistake) the next day my friend came to town and she insisted it was fine to go out with him so i did, we went out drinking and went to a strip club, got home at about 4 the next morning and went to sleep, woke up and she had gone she had tracked where i had gone that night and was pissed off i left her straight after the abortion and went to the strip club ( even though 2 days before she said i dont mind if you go to strip clubs and she insisted I go out that night??) She said we were done and she wanted to leave me, well i managed to talk her out of leaving. We would go on having arguments about not having kids, being too controlling and about the abortion ( which she now blames me for and has had thoughts about killing me for but couldnt because she loved me too much)
I said we would try for a baby next year in europe to calm down the arguments.
Well in europe the next year i felt i still wasnt ready as our relationship was always unstable having arguments over small things and dragging on about things in the past all the time and i wanted to travel a bit more before we did. Well she went ballistic and wanted to leave me because i couldnt give her a child when she wanted it. So we managed to not separate again on the condition she went out and did what she wanted and we lived like girlfriend boyfriend and so she went out partying living her young years instead of acting like a married woman and staying at home saving a lot, i thought fair enough.
Well the next year we bought a house and she started a new job, she made a new male friend at the new job who she chatted to on messages and phone i was a bit suspicious but anyway in April This year she went out to a food festival i was as usual working away on my 2 weeks on 1 week off roster , i called her before i slept and she said im a bit drunk but im heading home now.
Next morning i looked at life 360 to see what time she got home but saw she didn't go home but went to a house half an hour away then turned off location sharing at midnight so i could no longer see where she went.
I said in the morning what the heck was that did u cheat on me?
She said she went with that guy from work and a few of his friends to a house and smoked weed. She said she didnt cheat on me, she also broke a promise of not touching drugs. She said she did it because she wasnt happy in her marriage i was too jealous and controlling( about asking her not to wear revealing clothing and not hanging out one on one with guys and checking what shes up to when im away), and im not romantic enough and didnt compliment her enough ( i think i have been romantic, i do the occasional romantic thing like pick her flowers and regularly take her on fancy dinner dates leave rose petals on the bed and write her loving messages everyday, i devote all my spare time to spending it with her)
Anyway i came home straight away and we argued a bit and she said she wanted privacy and changed all her passwords and removed life 360 and after a few days moved out to stay with her friends to have a "break" for a while as we were arguing too much, well during this break she was drunk and told me a few things like that while we were in our first year of relationship she asked her female friend to use a vibrator on her and her friend said no so she masturbated in front of her friend anyway. Also that a french guy that was flirting her at the bar recently while i was at work he asked to give her a tour of the kitchen and cellar of his friends bar so she did and then he tried to kiss her and told her he wanted to have sex she apparently said no, but told him about all our marriage problems and he said he was married too and that he wasnt happy in his marriage all her friends thought she went off and had sex with him.
Another thing was her friend tried to hook her up with a guy and she said yeah why not and chatted to him but she says thats all that happened.
One morning after this i called her at 7am and a foreign guy answered then i heard some noise and then she came on and said oh sh*t thanks for waking me up im late for my course, i said whos the guy she denied there was any guy and said it was her voice so i dismissed it and went on with the chat, (i have a call recorder on my phone and listened again and it was definetly a guy so i accused her of sleeping with someone and sent her the recording she swears it was a crossed line or i was sabotaging her...
Anyway i took her word for it that it was a crossed line as i have had that before.
Then she called back that afternoon and said she wanted to be back with me, and i then asked for her icloud password which she gave and in there i found a screenshot of a message where she said quote “ sometimes because what I have been through made me feel I cant trusty anyman or anyone and start thinking all men are bad now, they all do sweet things at the start, u know what I mean right. I don’t play games im not a good player so if this sounds bizarre to you forget what I said Wednesday night” to which he replied quote “ who is playing games? Look I relaise you have been burnt and you feel you cant trust anyone including me, that’s why I have been taking this slow and not promising too much or buying flowers etc, but what I tell you when we speak is honest and from the heart, im done playing , I found you, I can wait for you to go through all this and support you through it, im not going anywhere, and I hope you done forget what we said to each other on wed night, it’s the truth it can never hurt” I asked what happened wed nightwhich she says was when she just told him that she wasnt interested which i think is a lie as the message says otherwise, all the while previously she told me they were just friends nothing more she also said he had come around to her place she is staying now to bring her some soup while she was feeling sick.
i asked her if she sent him any nudes and she admitted she did but she was drunk and couldnt remember which pics they were exactly, then the next day she denied it and said she swears on her mothers life it wasnt nudes and it was just a pic of her laying in bed under the blanket with her head sticking out and that she hadnt slept with him, she then admitted to having feelings for him when she started the job there last year. She also posted on a girls only facebook page asking questions about starting a relationship with the work colleague and whether she should trust a guy whos a flirter and had sex with married women before whether she should not trust him or just go with the flow.
After i found this out she had admitted she lied to me about him and that she told him she wasnt interested in a relationship and only kissed him on the forehead but still thinks she did nothing wrong.
She says she told him she doesn’t want to be contacted anymore from him(though they still work together) and I see she still searches him on facebook and looks at his page.
I also found a note in there saying in french which translates” thankyou so much my beautiful Merville, to bask in your joy and splendor is my new dream, it gives me hope for love and happiness” ( shes recently started french lessons with a guy in his house.. and when i asked her about it she laughed and said that note was meant for me, although i noticed some french talk in messages with the colleague from work)
So I after learning of all this deception i got angry and called her some names and said she deserves bad karma.
She was adding flirters on facebook as well who were winding me up with their sleazy comments on her pictures.
Ill also note that during this "break" everytime im home on my week off (after 2 weeks at work) we have been catching up and she stays the odd night in our house and we still having sex.
Should i stay with her and try trust her again or do you think she cant be trusted and i should move on?, i love her so much still and she says she loves me too and says doesnt want to be with anyone else, (but she told me that before too when she did all that behind my back) and she says wants to be by herself for now, but says if i can trust her we can come back, but trust is going to take me some time i think its not an instant thing ,and i would have to see her doing the right things when guys flirt with her etc (though she also admitted to liking sometimes flirting with guys and saying "naughty jokes").
No more lying or breaking promises.
But somehow she thinks im selfish now, where i think she has been the selfish one as while we have been on this break( and for our whole relationship) i have still been turning down flirting girls and being faithful, while she has done the opposite.
I dont know what i should do we are both confused now and both not 100% sure we want to be back with each other. Thoughts?
Your post has too many examples to keep up with, but I can give some of them a try.
I had a wife just like that. It may be the same person, except that my wife died 6 years ago from a long illness.
1. I think your wife is a borderline personality syndrome person. She was probably sexually abused in childhood, which is what causes that.
2. One sentence in particular revealed that, you wrote about what she wrote on a screenshot to this other guy:
"sometimes because what I have been through (sexual abuse as a child, is my interpretation) made me feel I cant trusty anyman or anyone (sexual abuse as a child) and start thinking all men are bad now" (sexual abuse, for it was a man who abused her).
Everything is right there is that paragraph.
3. Also n that screenshot, she wrote:
"they all do sweet things at the start (give you sweet talk and sex) u know what I mean right (she means sex).
"I don’t play games. (My borderline wife used to tell me this, and that is absolutely not true. That's all they do is play games, while claiming they don't) "im not a good player (yes she is) so if this sounds bizarre to you forget what I said Wednesday night” (she told him, I love you, is my guess.)
"...there i found a screenshot of a message where she said quote “ sometimes because what I have been through made me feel I cant trusty anyman or anyone and start thinking all men are bad now, they all do sweet things at the start, u know what I mean right. I don’t play games im not a good player so if this sounds bizarre to you forget what I said Wednesday night” to which he replied quote “ who is playing games? Look I relaise you have been burnt and you feel you cant trust anyone including me, that’s why I have been taking this slow...."
"One morning after this i called her at 7am and a foreign guy answered then i heard some noise and then she came on and said oh sh*t thanks for waking me up im late for my course, i said whos the guy she denied there was any guy and said it was her voice so i dismissed it and went on with the chat, (i have a call recorder on my phone and listened again and it was definetly a guy so i accused her of sleeping with someone and sent her the recording she swears it was a crossed line or i was sabotaging her...
Anyway i took her word for it that it was a crossed line as i have had that before."
My wife came back from a 2-week stay at a co-ed college where she was on her own. Many years later, when after her funeral from a long-term illness, as my mind allowed me the freedom to think about anything I wanted and come to any conclusion, with no penality (from her, financial, etc.), I realized: "She had an affair."
My mind would not allow me to think that while we were married, for a the first, we had a child, were buying a house, etc. My mind would have said: "You don't want to think about that, for you have to get this house paid for," type of thinking. As soon as a I came in from the funeral 27 years later, within 15 seconds of walking into the empty house, I thought, "She cheated."
What I didn't know at that time was how much she cheated. Once the dam broke, however, it all came pouring out. After years of thinking it over, I now realize that she had some 2,000 sex experiences outside the marriage. This would have include threesomes, with she and two males, and threesomes with her, another female, and a male. And this would have been happening during the week, from 2 to 4 times a week, on average.
One I figured the first puzzle, that she did have an affair, the others opened up in the following weeks and years. For instance, the college 2-week study course where she was in the dorms, she would have gone out every night to nightclubs, which surrouend the campus of several thousand men and women, with women from her dorm.
Once in the nightclub, men would have come up to her to buy her a drink. She would have accepted, danced suggestively with them, they would ask her to go for a ride, and she would accept. The would find a park place, or her apt., or his or her dorm which allowed co-ed visitation, and have sex. Next night, same thing. And she could have dated during the day in the afternoon, then gone back out that night to another nightclub.
She probably had 8 men down there, and dating several of them more than once. And she made sure to tell me before she left for that 2 week stay, "I won't be coming home for the weekend." And it was only about 100 miles travel back to our house. What does one do from Friday at noon to Sunday at midnight in strange town where you know no one? I know what she did. On Friday and Saturday nights, she hit the clubs. She could spend the nights with guys on those two nights.
I had no clue.
What was her tactic when she came back home? She looked me in the eye, as if to ask, what have you been up to for 2 weeks, and I actually felt sheepish, trying to assure her with my look, that I had been faithful. Talk about a game player.
They can play games so well because the trauma in childhood caused a divide in their ego. With one half of their ego being where the trauma was, and the other half being where they live, as still a 5 or 10 year old, as their emotional development stops with the trauma.
They can pull games because they're not nervous. Their emotions are gone. The trauma also takes their personality away, and replaces it with pathological anger. You don't know how deep their anger goes, because you aren't pathological. Oh, the kill part, she said she wanted to kill you. She may have been right. You don't believe it, for your anger doesn't go that deep. My wife made an attempt at that as her illness progressed. So you're living on the edge.
One reason I stayed was she was the best sex I ever had. Of course, it was the best sex half the guys in town had ever had. I bet sex with your wife is very good.
Also as a divided person, she needs 2 men: one to tend to her 5 year old emotional side, and to be a stable daddy to her 5 year old child side, and one to meet up with after work on in nightclub and to provide the kind of sex she learned as a child: completely irresponsible and free of emotions except for sex. She uses sex the replace the emotions and personality that were lost when she was abused.
I wouldn't have a child, it's harder to walk out on a child than it is on a wife you're going to detest one day.
Her behavior really changes when she drinks. Yours too.
Unless you and she quit drinking and/or drugging for at least 6 months and go to marriage counseling, there's not much chance of this relationship lasting.
Get some help or get out.
End it mate,she'll always lie. How often you going to let her take the piss. Crossed wires? Your insane to believe that.You will always have these issues in your mind when back together and you will use them as ammo when a argument/trust issue comes up in future
Hi thankyou for your responses
I dont think she has been sexually abused in her life, as i believe she would have told me that, we used to be so really close she would tell me absolutely everything about her life.
althought there is still a possibility.
She does need to control her drinking but she needs to do that for herself, as i said she doesnt like to feel like shes being controlled.
we have had marriage counselling in the past and also she has had one on one therapy but her therapist insists she moves on ( i think she tells her therapist and friends and incomplete story of her wrong actions in the relationship and only mentions my wrong actions)
She did say the day that the guyfirst said hello on the phone she swears on her mother life there was no man answering her phone and that she would pay for a polygraph test to confirm it and that if, it came out that she did nothing wrong i would have to pay for it.